If Dogs Could Celebrate Mothers Day……

Posted on June 4, 2015 by Samantha Rose

We love you Mum

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

It was Mothers Day in Australia and I had been woken up to the sounds of Rocky telling Brutus to ‘Shhhh’ and Brutus whispering so loudly to the point of shouting ‘Stop it, you will make me spill it’.

I had no idea as to what was going on and thought it best to peer out of the door to see what the boys were up to.

There stood Brutus clutching a tray with a piece of palm tree in glass of water, a glass with a quarter of orange juice in it and the rest spilt on the tray, a piece of paper with doggy scrawl on it saying ‘Love you Mum, U R The Bestest Mum’ on it, a dog biscuit, a tennis ball and Tony Abbott.

Not knowing whether to laugh or cry, I stared at the boys – Rocky was quivering in anticipation, Brutus had mud over his face and paws clumsily clutched the tray while standing tall and proud to show what a good boy he was.

Brutus the good boy!

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Oh boys, that is a lovely surprise, dog biscuits – my favourite and you have brought me your favourite toys and as for the piece of palm tree, it must have taken you ages to snap that off’ I gushed at them.

‘I had to swing on that tree for quite a while’ Brutus said proudly.

‘And I had to crawl right under your car to get that tennis ball’ Rocky added.

Rocky – also a good boy

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Wondering what to do with the tray, I stood there for what seemed ages until Rocky could stand it no longer and said ‘If you are not going to play with that tennis ball, could we please go into the garden so I can play with it?’

‘And if you are not going to have that dog biscuit, could I have it?’ Brutus asked hopefully.

‘Oh go on then!’ I laughed and gave Brutus the dog biscuit and Rocky his tennis ball.

‘Thanks Mum, love you Mum!’ Brutus yelled and then added ‘Oh, sorry I forgot – can I have my Tony Abbott as well please?’

Handing him his Tony Abbott doll, I was left with a piece of palm tree and an inch of orange juice.

Brutus and his beloved Tony Abbott doll

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

I watched the boys play in the garden, ‘Do you think she liked the presents?’ Brutus asked Rocky.

Brutus and Rocky – they are a team you know

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Rocky who was throwing his ball in the air and catching it, replied ‘Yep, she loved them – you could just tell’.

‘I love Mothers Day, it is such fun’ Brutus barked excitedly.

And as I stared down at the tiny piece of palm tree and orange juice, I am inclined to agree with him.

The End

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright May 2015

The Wrath of Mother Nature and Lure Coursing

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Samantha Rose

Pippin is not amused

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Urgent News By Walkie-talkie (just like they did in the war)

Pippin Pringle had called an important meeting of all dogs that attend lure coursing. He wasn’t sure what it was about but knew it was urgent as Dee Cole had asked for it to happen and Pippin had to in turn, relay the message.

‘But why do I have to leave my nice warm bed for this meeting?’ Millie the border collie said impatiently. She had a DVD put aside for that night about sheep herding and the modern-day bitch and had no plans to leave the house.

‘Not sure, but if Pippin has asked for it then that is what we need to do’ Brutus replied and then added ‘Come on Vader, stop dragging your jowls’ to Vader who looked as though he had lost his bottom lip the way his head was near to the floor.

Vader I should add, was feeling very sorry for himself as he had stolen Lexies’ marshmallows and had scoffed an entire packet and was now feeling sick.

Zara, Olive, Nica, Gigi, Rocco, Cino, Pino, Fat Harry, Apollo, Starbuck, Poppy, Woody, Fletch, Soobi, Bronte to name but a few had now gathered in Pippin’s living room to see what was going to be announced.

Even Bundy the Samoyed (AKA The Town Crier) was there just to announce everything and anything that might need announcing as he was rather good at that.

‘Z’ the cop dog was there in full uniform, just to give the boys a thrill as some dogs like a female dog in uniform and Z wore it so well.

Eugene the Angry Afghan was there fighting with himself while Bentley was trying to interrupt with Eugene’s invisible friend and tell him to piss off.

Mouse Norris looked thoroughly bored by the wait and was now admiring her nails and talking about the raw food diet with Barbie.

Basically it was a full house and the dogs were impatient at what news was going to be relayed to them.

Millie the border collie

(Photograph by Belinda)

‘I am tired, I want my bed’ Brutus cried to Vader who nodded his head in agreement. Having the attention spans of goldfish, the boys couldn’t stay interested in anything for long.

Brutus – wants his bed

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Millie who has never been known for her patience and has even sat up all night waiting for lure coursing, had decided to go over to where the tiny walkie-talkie was placed on the mantlepiece.

Picking it up and turning it on, she could just hear the ‘hissing’ of a badly tuned radio, feeling frustrated she tried to shake it.

‘Millie, what are you doing?’ Pippin demanded impatiently and snatched it from her and tuned it in.

‘Are we there yet?’ Brutus demanded to Rocco who calmly told him to ‘Shit off’ and then went back to washing himself.

‘I believe that we could be at war!’ Bundy the Samoyed announced to nobody in particular and when they ignored him, he shouted ‘Long live the Queen’ and when only Gigi responded, he decided to give up. There was no point in being the Town Crier if nobody listened to you.

‘Shhh, I can hear something!’ Millie hissed to everyone and waved her slender black and white paws to shut everyone up.

Aside from Rocco, Bentley and Eugene having fights with their invisible friends, everyone else was quiet – except for Soobi and Olive who were tickling each other and chewing on each others snouts in a game of ‘bitey face’.

‘Hello, this is Mac – Dee Coles Ridgeback, can you all hear me out there?’ A loud deep booming voice of a Rhodesian Ridgeback filled the air.

‘Since when did he get such a sexy voice?’ Bronte giggled to Gigi, Hershey, Nica and Starbuck.

‘Will you be quiet you lot, I am trying to listen’ Pippin growled and then pressed the button to speak.

You see – walkie-talkies are used for urgent announcements as they are far more dramatic than phones and stuff.

‘Mac, we can hear you – please go ahead with the announcement’ Pippin said in his ‘BBC English’ accent (think of a posh voice from the olden days announcing ‘Britain is at War’ and you will get the drift).

‘Good evening everyone, we regret to announce that due to bad weather predictions, lure coursing is now cancelled for this Saturday and Sunday.

‘As we still have memories of dogs floating off down the polo grounds at last years storm and cages sailing away and being found in other countries, we thought it safer to cancel’ Mac barked in his powerful voice.

‘Oh my god, I think I am going to die right here and now!’ Millie shouted dramatically and then behaved like any border collie who has had her sheep removed from her, and promptly threw herself on the floor and sobbed.

Taking a deep breath, Pippin replied ‘Thank you Mac and goodnight from us’ and then quickly turned the radio off and faced the group of dogs that were in his living room.

Met with a canine wall of silence, this was Pippin’s worst nightmare. There was nothing quite like a group of dogs (and good friends) that had been looking forward to lure coursing, to have Mother Nature literally piss on their parade and cancel it due to bad weather.

‘Did you say cancelled?’ Brutus asked as his bottom lip quivered.

‘Cancelled?’ Vader added.

One by one it was echoed around the room ‘Lure coursing cancelled?’

‘But how shall we spend our weekend now?’ Madam Gigi demanded.

‘I could organise a day of vomiting but that would only take an hour’ Nica said out loud.

‘I might just have to die’ Eugene the Angry Afghan growled and then accused his invisible friend of orchestrating it all and started to swear at him.

As the other dogs all shouted their protest, Starbuck and Poppy sat under the table and cried, Chewy hid behind his fur while Mako and Apollo were already on the phone to a dog psychologist to book a counselling session.

Bundy the Town Crier had decided that he had kept quiet for long enough and was no barking ‘Everybody, save yourselves and your family before they get eaten. We are now at war and lure coursing has been cancelled because the weather is going to be crap – may your souls be saved!’

Pippin takes control

Pippin was not amused and had taken a few moments to stand outside to get away from the upset dogs protesting in his living room. Several had now started arguing with invisible friends and were barking at fresh air and accusing it of severe weather control and ruining their lives. Mouse Norris was now threatening to go on a hunger strike and Barbie was threatening to join her.

Normally a kind, placid and gentle dog, Pippin was upset that their doggy plans had been ruined. However he knew that safety had to come first and the lure coursing would not have been called off if it was at all avoidable.

After taking a few minutes away from the group, Pippin took a deep breath and marched back inside.

He didn’t need to say much, they all stopped fighting, arguing and in Nica’s case – vomiting, and stared at him, silently pleading with him for direction and answers.

‘Right you bunch of girls, lure coursing is cancelled for our own safety, it has been put off for a week and thank god it has too because none of us want to be injured slipping on wet grass’. Pippin said to the group.

‘Save your mothers, fathers and save your dog chow!’ Bundy barked in his Samoyed voice.

‘Bundy please be quiet’ Pippin growled at Bundy who blushed and stopped shouting his announcements.

‘Who wants to be on the course anyway in thunder and lightning, not me that’s for sure and everyone knows dogs like us melt in the rain!’ Brutus said loudly.

Several dogs nodded their head in agreement as the Iggies also remembered that they actually do melt in the rain, well Brutus melts in the rain himself so I guess he knows what he is on about.

‘Apollo told me that thunder is the dogs over at Rainbow Bridge having a party over our heads and having fun’ Starbuck said to Poppy who said that she had heard the same thing.

‘Right, you lot can find your own entertainment for the weekend and you can all work on your techniques for the Fastest Dog in Australia second heats in a weeks time’ Pippin nodded to the group.

‘Fancy coming to mine to watch some naughty videos on dog training?’ Brutus asked Millie who grinned back at him.

‘Yes, sounds good – will you be there Vader?’ Millie barked in Vader’s direction.

‘Yep, count me in!’ Vader agreed and then asked Brutus to pull his paw so that he could fart. A very childish habit that the boys developed from a young age where they simply would not fart unless the other dog pulled their paw and made it more dramatic.

Finally the dogs left Pippin’s house to go back to their own homes. You could all hear them discussing the nights events as there was seldom anything bigger than lure coursing being cancelled, aside from the Fastest Dog Comp.

Goodnight Pippin

‘Glad that is over and done with’ Pippin said to Bronte and went to close the curtain. As he did so, he could hear Bundy’s unmistakable bark doing his ‘Town Crier’ bit.

‘Don’t worry everyone, it is a war effort and we all need a cup of tea, tea solves everything’ Bundy shouted. Pippin smiled at Bundy who was shouting stuff about cups of tea – Bundy is such a funny dog.

As Pippin watched his friends disappear out of sight, the last thing he saw was Bundy taking a piss up someones car.

Closing the curtains, Pippin thought to himself ‘Tea? Yes I think I could do with a mug of tea after the night I have had’

‘Cup of tea Bronte?’ Pippin asked his sister.

‘Don’t mind if I do’ Bronte replied and followed him to the kitchen to help him make it.

‘They were quite well-behaved really, all things considering’ Bronte said to Pippin as she pulled out two bone China cups from the cupboard and found a China teapot and stuffed a few teabags in it for good measure.

‘Yes, very well-behaved really’ Pippin smiled, ‘All things considered of course’.

But what Pippin didn’t see was Brutus, Vader, Bentley, Rocco and Fat Harry pressing their bottoms and leaving ‘marks of bum’ on the neighbours cars and Eugene the Angry Afghan doing a monster turd in someones garden and getting a large lump of poo stuck to his pantaloons much to the admiration of Chewy who tried to shit his own pants so he could copy him.

But other than that, yes – they were very good dogs indeed.

The End….

Lure Coursing for Guildford Polo Grounds Cancelled this Weekend Due to Predicted Severe Weather Conditions.

Sadly this is true and for safety reasons lure coursing has been cancelled for this weekend which is fair enough as the dogs safety is paramount.

There is talk of the Fastest Dog heats taking place the weekend after but this is yet to be confirmed – details will follow.

Sam Rose (C) Copyright May 2015

Dogs of War

Posted on April 24, 2015 by Samantha Rose

Brutus – named after a war dog

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

An Important Meeting

Pippin Pringle had called a meeting at his house, all the Iggies, Chewy, Starbuck and Poppy, Brutus and Vader were invited.

It was a serious meeting and most of the dogs realised it except for the special ones – Brutus and Vader.

‘What on earth could be wrong? I haven’t dug the garden in ages and the hole in Mum’s bra was done by Gordon’ Brutus said fretfully.

‘Not sure but we better go, you know how cross Pippin will get if we don’t’ Vader growled back with a mouthful of tongue.

Team Pringle’s House

On arrival at Pippin’s house, the boys were greeted by Bronte who was looking strangely naked and just wearing a smart collar.

‘Hi guys, just go through’ Bronte said cheerfully.

In the lounge was Zara, Nica, Olive, Bambi, Gigi, Rocco, Cino, Pino, Bentley, Fat Harry, Poppy, Starbuck, Dash, Apollo, Soobi, Lupo, Dobby, Mako, Woody, Chewy, Fletcher, Lilly and of course Pippin and Bronte.

‘Hi everyone, what’s occurring?’ Brutus said in his deep voice.

Normally there would be squealing when Brutus and Vader arrived as the girl dogs enjoyed having bigger dogs to flirt with and they saw Brutus as an Iggy anyway as he tried to make himself as small as them.

But tonight it was a case of sensible and respectable ‘Hello boys’ and that was that.
Wanting to make a joke or fart or something, Brutus’s instinct told him not to and he kept quiet, as did Vader.

Placing his spectacles over his long snout, Pippin checked some papers and then leaned over to his laptop and saw an email from Amex in QLD giving him some long awaited info.

Taking a deep breath, Pippin announced in his ‘BBC English’ accent ‘Right everyone, most of you know why we are here except for Brutus as he was too young to come last year, we are here to pay our respects to the Anzacs and the dogs of war’

‘Dogs of war?’ Brutus whispered to Vader, ‘I didn’t know there were dogs of war’.

Vader nodded solemnly ‘Yes there were, but not too many think or remember them’.

‘As you all know there were many great dogs that served in both wars, doing brave things and serving their masters – both man and dog sacrificing their lives so that we could have our freedom’ Pippin said firmly.

Brutus who normally has the attention span of a goldfish, found himself listening to Pippin’s authoritative voice. The other Iggies sat silently and listened to what Pippin had to say.

‘These dogs were also used as moral boosters, can you imagine being away from your family and everything you love, not knowing if you were going to make it home.

‘Being in the trenches, cold, hungry and thirsty, not being able to trust anyone other than your fellow soldier, where every sound was a potential threat?’ Pippin said.

Brutus briefly thought about it, he couldn’t imagine any dog being in a war, after all he hated being outside for more than 5 minutes, let alone sleeping outside with soldiers.

‘Brutus – do you have any ideas as to how great your name is?’ Pippin barked at him.

Brutus blushed and hung his head, he had no idea he just knew it was his name (along with ‘naughty boy’)

‘I shall tell you – Pte Chad Sherrin had a dog called Brutus, he was in the 8th Battalion, Royal Australian Regiment (8 RAR) and Brutus was his first dog. Chad began as a tracking dog handler and was promoted to Sergeant while serving in the 8 RAR’. Pippin added.

‘I am named after a war dog?’ Brutus stuttered, feeling suddenly very proud indeed.
Bronte looked at the big brown gentle giant and briefly thought how unsuitable Brutus would have been as a war dog. But at the same time he looked so proud to share the same name as Brutus the war dog, that he really looked as though his chest might have expanded with pride.

‘There was also a dog called Horrie the wonder dog who was an Egyptian Terrier that made friends with Australian Soldier Pte Jim Moody in Egypt’.

‘Horrie was used as a guard dog and was really good at warning the soldiers about the enemy. Horrie survived when the troop carrier ‘Costa Rica was sunk’ while being evacuated from Grease.

‘He was also hurt by a bomb splinter in Crete. In 1942 Pte Moody was sent back to Australia where he really wanted to take Horrie with him.

This was stopped due to the quarantine laws which as you know are strict’ Pippin said to the group as they hung on to his every word.

‘Moody loved Horrie so much that he smuggled him into Australia in a canvas bag that had wooden slats in it so Horrie could breathe otherwise he would have surely suffocated.

‘He smuggled him in, really?’ Olive gasped as Zara gripped Olives paw while listening in awe.

‘In 1945 Moody found out about smuggling Horrie when they realised that Horrie had been smuggled in illegally and they told Moody that Horrie had to be put to sleep’ Pippin growled.

‘But he was a wonder dog, why did they want to destroy him?’ Brutus stuttered, clearly getting upset about Horrie the wonder dog.

‘Because he should have gone through quarantine’ Pippin said firmly.

‘But you can’t shoot a war hero?’ Vader barked and the other Iggies agreed with him.

‘After being told that Horrie had to be put to sleep, Moody found another dog and gave it to the authorities instead, tricking them into thinking it was Horrie, except it wasn’t and the other dog was shot instead of Horrie’ Pippin barked.

‘What happened then?’ Zara cried, she was easily upset at these stories and Nica was now patting her shoulder.

‘Horrie the wonder dog lived the rest of his life in some rural part of Victoria’ Pippin finished.

‘Dogs have been involved in wars and battles all over the world, they are the unsung heroes of the animal kingdom, and let us not forget the military horses as well.

‘I can’t go into every war dog but those are just two examples of canine bravery. Dogs that kept their masters safe, gave company and affection in times of dangerous conflict when everything around them was hostile’ Pippin sighed.

‘And for Pte Moody to risk everything to smuggle Horrie the wonder dog back into Australia shows how much love and respect he had for Horrie’ Pippin said as he removed his spectacles, puffed on them and cleaned the lenses.

The other Iggies were silent, none of them knew what to say but suddenly they felt very grateful for the likes of war dogs Brutus and Horrie the wonder dog.

‘Here is a poem that was written by Horrie the wonder dog, it is jolly nice if I admit’

Horrie the Wog-Dog by Ion L. Idriess
Written from the diary of Private VX13091 J. B. Moody, A.I.F. in 1945

“The Wog-dog blossomed into a war-dog as if by magic, despite the fact that we long since had ceased to wonder at his instinct and intelligence and adaptability.

He knew the whistle of bullets,
the whine of shells,
the scream of a bomb,
he knew exactly what to do.
In a moment he could act at some sudden alarm;
he knew at any time what was doing and was intelligently
ready to take his place at the right time and in the right way.

The Wog-dog grew very dear to all of us”

Madam Gigi, Nica and Bronte were now crying. The other Iggies were trying not to cry and Brutus who had never experienced such emotional pain purely from a story, did not know what to do, what to think or how to react.

He did however, know that he was hurting inside but it was completely alien to him.

‘So you see everyone, whilst our humans honour our brave Anzacs, we shall also honour the dogs of war and if you would like to take a minute to pay your respects, I shall get Rocco to do the honours – Rocco, if you don’t mind?’ Pippin said.

‘Good on you lad’ Fat Harry whispered to Rocco as he walked up to Pippin.

Madam Gigi had no idea as to what Rocco was going to do, she could only hope that he would be sensible.

Without saying another word, Rocco took the microphone that Pippin had given him and in a calm, well spoken and deep voice, he started to speak and without any effort, commanded the silence and the respect of every dog in the room.

‘They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them – Lest we forget’

(Ode by English poet and writer Laurence Binyon)

One by one each and every dog repeated ‘Lest we forget’.

‘That – is MY brother!’ Madam Gigi nodded her head so vigorously as she wiped the tears that fell down her pointy snout. ‘My brother, he is MY brother’.

Brutus who had kept his giant head down through the whole thing had realised that he couldn’t be funny, he couldnt make jokes because he felt too upset, grateful, heart bursting with pride to be an Australian dog.

He might not be a pedigree dog or the smartest dog on the block, but if pride could make him a pedigree – then at that precise moment he would be purebred.

‘Are you OK Brutus?’ Gigi asked him kindly while still wiping her eyes.

Brutus didn’t answer, he turned his head away and replied quietly ‘Yes, yes Gigi, I am fine – thank you for asking’.

But if you looked ever so closely at his face, you would have seen tears pouring down his face as the big dog fought and failed to not cry.

‘Leave him to me’ Pippin said to Gigi.

Later on

Pippin had taken Brutus aside to see if he was OK. There was nothing like a dogs first Anzac memorial and Brutus had not been to last years one.

‘Are you OK Brutus?’ Pippin asked him.

‘Yes, I am just so upset at the dogs of war and how brave Brutus and Horrie the wonder dog were and all the other war dogs’ Brutus sobbed to Pippin.

Not used to seeing the big dog show so much emotion, Pippin hugged him.

‘Pippin?’ Brutus sniffed and then noisily blew his nose on Pippins handkerchief that he had handed him.

‘Yes Brutus’ Pippin replied, making a mental note to throw the handkerchief away.

‘We won’t forget the dogs of war will we?’ Brutus asked him.

‘No Brutus, while just one of us remembers, then they will be remembered’ Pippin nodded firmly to him.

‘Lest we forget?’ Brutus asked Pippin.

‘Yes Brutus, Lest we forget’ Pippin said quietly.

To every soldier, to every war dog that served this great country and sacrificed their lives so that we could have our freedom – we thank you.

Lest we forget

Samantha, Brutus, Rocky and Gordon

Source for the War dog story – I have taken and adapted the text taken from the link below and all credit goes to the original author. Please take a moment to go on to the link as it is an incredible read.

http://www.mariansstudio.us/PDFandPP/till%20stars%20again.pdf

Dogs Do Lunch

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Samantha Rose

Chewy – all dressed up for the party!

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

When it comes to dog lovers, one thing that is abundantly clear and that is there certainly seems to be a market to cater for those of us that are mad about our dogs in terms of toys, clothes and anything pet related.

The latest thing to pop up in the suburbs are pet cafes that are aimed specifically for your dog, of course you are welcome to join but primarily they will cater for your dog and if you are lucky, there will be something nice for you on the menu as well.

Such cafes will sell a wide selection of clothes, treats, collars, leashes and toys, the food menu will have delights such as lasagna, biscuits and even custom-made birthday cakes – all made from healthy dog friendly ingredients.

Having never been to one of these doggy/pet cafes before, I had often wondered what they would be like to visit and had kind of assumed it would be good food for the dogs and distinctly below average food for the humans.

As far as scenery goes I could not even begin to guess how they would make a dog cafe so comfortable that the humans would want to frequent it too often.

Two of Brutus’s friends Cino and Starbuck were holding a joint birthday party at a dog cafe in Perth and Brutus had been invited and was pretty excited about the whole thing.

The venue was Furbaby Boutique and Cafe in Perth, Western Australia and although the other dogs in the gang had been before, Brutus and I had not.

The Furbaby Boutique and Cafe opened in Perth on Friday 26th December 2014 so as you can see it hasn’t been open that long but judging by how busy they are getting, you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

Starbuck and Cino’s birthday party – here is the guest list (sorry if I have missed anyone)

Cino
Apollo
Starbuck
Fletcher
Pippin
Bronte
Brutus
Poppy
Chewy
Woody
Lilly
Nora
Ciccio
Dash
Lupo
Nica
Dobby
Mako
Soobi
Rocco
Madam Gigi

The Day of the Party

Brutus was over excited at the thought of his first visit to the Furbaby cafe and was up super early to smooth down his whiskers and make himself smart for the event. He kept grabbing my car keys in an attempt to hurry me up and annoyed Rocky so much that Rocky had to hump his head in order to shut him up.

Rocky as you know is not good with other dogs and the amount of dogs going would be too much for him but that did not stop him feeling a bit left out and I had to heavily bribe him with a bone when I got back.

Brutus was so impatient that before I had even started the car he was asking if we were there yet.

‘We are going to Pippin Pringle’s house and getting a lift with Denise’ I told him firmly.

Brutus was to sit in the front with me in the foot-well while Pippin and Bronte sat in the back.

‘Pippin Pringle! I love him so much, I am SO excited, did I tell you I am excited?’ shouted Brutus.

‘I had gathered that Brutus’ I laughed as I drove out of the garden to start our journey.

Are we there yet Mum?

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

At Team Pringle’s House

On arrival at Pippin and Bronte’s house, we were welcomed by the fierce barks of the Italian greyhounds that sound like ‘Bup Bup’ kind of noise (ask Denise, she knows what I mean).

‘Brutus, is that you?’ Pippin shouted, absurdly excited that his giant friend had come round to his home.

‘Of course it is him silly, who else is that big in our gang?’ said Bronte impatiently. It was true, there was no mistaking Brutus who resembled a small pony from behind the slats of the fence.

Brutus grinned as Pippin jumped all over him while Bronte felt a burning need to run around the garden and show Brutus her latest outfit in flirtatious fashion before taking a pee in the sand like a real lady.

‘Very nice Bronte’ Brutus blushed approvingly and then asked Pippin ‘I am so excited about today, we are going to have such fun, do they really do doggy food especially for dogs?’

‘Oh yes, they have doggy cakes, lasagna and everything!’ Pippin grinned and as Brutus drooled in festoons from his mouth, Pippin went on to tell him just how delicious the food at Furbaby’s is.

‘Come on kids, let’s get in the car’ Denise said firmly to the three dogs, ‘Pippin – you are in the back with Bronte and Brutus is in the front with Sam’.

Pippin looked mortified and also aware that he didn’t want to look like a wuss in front of his pal Brutus, blushed like the posh kid being told off in front of his mates.

‘But, but I always sit in the front’ Pippin faltered and then bit his lip to stop himself going ‘Full Pringle’ and bursting in to tears.

‘Brutus can sit in the back with me’ Bronte giggled.

‘No, he sits in the front. Now Pippin get in the back now!’ Denise instructed him.

With his pointy snout virtually touching his chest, Pippin’s face went bright red as he tried hard to think about doggy lasagna to stop himself crying and looking like a girl.

‘Sorry’ Brutus mouthed to Pippin as he hung his head in shame while Denise securely fastened in his harness.

‘That’s OK’ Pippin mumbled. Had it been anyone else Pippin would be sobbing by now but as it was Brutus, he had an image to keep up.

On Arrival at the Furbaby Boutique and Cafe

We were the first there from our group and I must say I was pretty impressed with what I saw. The place was clean, tidy, bright and welcoming.

We had hired the ‘VID’ (Very Important Dog) area which was a secure fenced off Alfresco area especially for private functions.

In the public cafe area it was also lovely to see dogs on the leash as not all dogs like having other dogs running up to them and it was a delight to see owners having their dogs beside them enjoying their own treats.

Dog Cafes – through the eyes and mind of your dog

Enough of a human point of view, let us take a trip into the Furbaby cafe from the eyes of the dogs because it is far more fun.

The staff welcomed us as we walked into the shop part of the cafe and advised Denise and myself that the VID area would be opened at 10am for our group but in the meantime we could sit in the public area or browse the shop and as I had my heart set on buying something for Brutus, Denise and I decided to browse.

Everything you could want for your dog was on offer, collars, leashes, harnesses, clothes, even capes and a Batman costume to name but a few, toys, treats, bedding – the list goes on.

‘Mum, are you going to buy me some toys?’ Brutus shouted excitedly as Pippin and Bronte were eying up various items of clothing. Although they have a wardrobe to rival Gucci but we shall say no more on that.

I had been keeping my eye on a Harley Davidson cap for Brutus and at first was not sure if the large size would fit him but as he has a strange shaped head, a large would have to do. Having seen Francesca’s Iggy – Zara wearing hers, I was convinced it would be perfect for Brutus.

Carefully placing it on his head, I stood back to admire Brutus. With a large snout like well nourished leather, deep red/brown eyes, I thought he looked very nice in his hat.

‘Are you serious, I am NOT wearing that!’ Brutus cried while blushing furiously as Pippin snorted with laughter.

‘Oh my god you SO look like an extra from the Village People!’ Pippin barked while Bronte was a little more mischievous and started singing and dancing to ‘YMCA’.

Brutus in his Harley Davidson cap – ‘Don’t make me wear it Mum’

(Photograph by Denise Pringle)

‘If you buy me this I shall never speak to you again’ Brutus threatened.

‘Hello there big boy!’ A small but chunky Jack Russell with large genitals smirked at Brutus and then winked at him.

‘Thank you I will take it!’ I smiled and dragged a reluctant Brutus to the counter to pay for the hat as the girls in the shop admired him wearing it.

‘My life is over, totally over, I may as well be dead’ Brutus howled as I paid for the hat.

But the dramatics were short-lived as when he was led outside to the VID area and Poppy the Chinese crested who had arrived, saw him and told him how handsome he looked. Brutus decided that perhaps he did not look too bad at all and started to wear the hat ‘like a boss’.

Poppy admires Brutus – wearing it like a boss

(Photograph by Tanya Bennett)

The Social Set of Dogs

If you ever get the chance, observe your dog when he/she greets his friends because if you listen carefully then you will be privilege to their social lives and that is what it is – a privilege.

Anyway, a few of us were now in the VID area that we had reserved, Brutus and Poppy were catching up and discussing food. Totally beside himself Brutus simply could not decide what to have from the menu. I hadn’t told him that I was not ordering dog stuff for him and that he would be sharing my breakfast as the slightest change in his diet can turn him into gastro-pup and I know he can tolerate a small bit of sausage and some gluten-free bread.

‘I shan’t eat much, I have to watch my figure you know’ Poppy said pointedly to Brutus who totally missed the hint, ‘I said I have to watch my figure you know, I am SO fat’ Poppy added in a loud voice and then fretfully grabbed a leaf from the ground and started to eat it as if to prove a point.

Poppy stared at her slender non-existent belly and waited for Brutus to say ‘Oh you are not fat, you are just perfect’ but Brutus has never been one to ‘talk female’ and just didn’t take the hint.

It was down to Pippin to sharply elbow Brutus in the ribs before he got the gist of the conversation and stuttered ‘Oh no Poppy, you are perfect the way you are’ while Bronte nodded her head quickly in agreement. After all it is a girl solidarity thing that they must all agree on the weight issue and throw in the obligatory placating comments.

Satisfied that she was absolutely perfect, Poppy happily trotted off to talk to Madam Gigi about the latest in glitter collar designs.

Suddenly the gate to the VID area opened and standing there like Danny De Vito on a power trip was Chewy. A big dog in a little dogs clothing, Chewy stood there in all of his red hairy glory whilst proudly sporting a purple patterned tie.

Waiting for a few seconds until everyone had seen him, Chew barked loudly ‘I am here, you can relax now!’

Chewy – his beautiful coat makes an entrance before he does

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Chewy darling! You are here!’ Poppy cried and then went to air-kiss him and tell him how marvellous he was. Brutus was a little more restrained and offered Chewy is back in case Chewy wanted to hump him.

Pretty soon everyone had arrived and the party was underway. The humans had ordered food for their pets and for themselves and I was in for a surprise when my food arrived.

Having ordered a cooked breakfast, I can tell you it was delicious. The presentation was great, there was enough food at a reasonable price and the food itself was tasty so what more could you want?

The amusing thing about ordering food from a dog cafe is that whatever you may have ordered for your dogs, they also believe what you have ordered for yourself is theirs by rights.

‘Is that my bacon and sausage on that plate?’ Brutus asked and before I could answer, Pippin and Mako had gathered round and had made claims of ownership to my bacon. I had managed to eat a good part of it while fending the dogs off but as I had promised Brutus some of my bacon, then I had to honour it of course.

Unfortunately, according to Pippin and Mako by promising Brutus some bacon, I had promised them by default.

Is that bacon I can taste in your mouth?

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Brutus, stand still – I need to get that bacon’ Pippin said firmly and then in one swift agile movement, Pippin had jumped on top of Brutus’s back like a mountain goat, using him as a step-ladder to lean over the table for a piece of MY bacon.

‘It’s my turn Pippin!’ Dash appeared from nowhere growling impatiently as Brutus stood there while the two Iggies attempted to stand on his back – there certainly was room on him for both of them. Standing as still as he possibly could like a good boy, Brutus allowed the Iggies to use him as a chair

‘Thanks Brutus’ Pippin grinned as he jumped down with a piece of bacon in his mouth and some ketchup on his pointy snout.

‘Yeah thanks Brutus’ Dash added and then ran off before Starbuck could nip his bottom for having legs long enough to even jump on top of Brutus in the first place.

Despite having Iggies use him as a platform for food opportunities, Brutus was checking out the remainder of the bacon on the plate while trying very hard not to drool because he wanted some so badly.

‘Here you go Brutus’ I smiled at him and gave him a large slice of bacon from my plate just in time for Starbuck to jump up and snatch it from his mouth and run off with it with Poppy in hot pursuit yelling to ‘not be so bloody greedy’.

Looking as though someone had bashed him, Brutus stared at me with a confused expression on his face and said ‘Where did my bacon go?’.

Brutus – where did my bacon go?

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

It was a good job I had some more but we had to be quick about it as there were a few pointy snouts including Pippin Pringle’s, hanging around ready to take advantage of Brutus and rob him of it.

Dogs squabbling between them and then hiding under/behind Brutus for protection

As with any doggy function there is often a bit of squabbling over toys, leaves, invisible stuff. Dogs get tired and burst into tears and bitches get tired of dogs sniffing their bums and will snap back to put them in their place.

‘Will you leave my bum alone, I have told you several times before that you can’t sniff it until I say so!’ Bronte growled at Dash.

Meanwhile Nica absolutely did not want to play rough and tumble with the others on the floor and had insisted that she was carried around everywhere to be petted by each and every person at the table who told her how gorgeous she looked.

Woody with his stealth like ability to get woman’s perfume all over him by loaning himself out to every female at the table, had totally exhausted himself and had lost count as to who he had cuddled and who he hadn’t.

Dobby, Olive and Soobi were chasing each other round the table and looked like something out of a Benny Hill sketch as Soobi ran after the girls and tripped over his own legs.

Mako was on his Mum’s knee whilst admiring Brutus and was involved in some mutual jowl washing. Brutus was simply delighting the fact that the little Iggy was happy to have Brutus clean his snout and vice versa, although Brutus’s tongue was almost longer than Mako’s head.

Mako blesses Brutus with a mighty paw

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Soobi was a bit obsessed with Mako and wanted to play a professional game of ‘Bitey Face’ and was quite relentless in his mission to do so.

‘If you don’t leave me alone I shall get cross!’ Mako yelled and then tried to look tough which was not happening as the moment was totally ruined because Brutus washed the anger off Mako’s face like a wet face cloth.

As the dogs squabbled between them, they used Brutus to their full advantage by hiding under him, behind him and even on top of him. Rocco even suggested that Brutus could be made into a giant Iggy that they could use for camouflage if ever they needed to hide.

The significance of humping

Soobi had decided to hump everything and was quite proud of himself because he had started one big humping-train which is where dogs all jostle for pack position and it is rarely sexual, except in Pippin Pringle’s case and he loves boy dogs but that is another story.

‘Will you keep still Brutus!’ Soobi barked at the big brown dog who had even lowered his head so that Soobi could reach it to hump it.

Like a child full of sugar, Soobi spoke fast and in excited fashion as clumsily tried to hump Brutus’s head which probably weighed more than he did.

Dash had mounted Soobi’s bottom and at the end of Dash was Chewy looking mighty fine in his ‘pantaloons’ and a purple tie around his neck. It was a humping-train and there was no other word for it and Brutus’s head was at one end and Chewy’s bottom at the other.

‘It’s called Going Roman’ Pippin said confidently to Poppy the Chinese crested who was shaking her beautiful head in horror while Bronte just looked utterly bored with the whole thing as she had to watch Pippin do it at every Iggy meet and often with his invisible friends in the garden.

‘They are just showing off as they have longer legs than me’ Starbucks said fretfully and then gobbled up a bit of lettuce she found on the floor.

There was nothing we owners could do except to watch and laugh of course, because it really was that funny.

Let’s talk about ‘going Roman’

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Of course the staff at Furbaby are privy to this kind of stuff every day. I am sure that they ‘speak dog’ and get to see rowdy dogs enjoying their birthday parties and getting a bit raucous. They just took it all in their stride which is just as well for what I saw next.

It was one of those moments where I was not taking notice of anything, just observing the dogs all enjoying themselves and ‘partying’. I happened to glance round to the door to the kitchen where the staff come out with a plate of food when I saw Dash come running out behind them – completely unseen by anyone except for me.

He looked quite pumped and proud of himself and just blended in between whoever was walking out of the door and then he ran off and hid behind the table with ‘guilt’ written all over his face.

‘Did you see that? Dash has just come out of the kitchen!’ I yelled to everyone. All eyes were on Dash who was no blushing and shrugging his shoulders while mouthing ‘Who me? Don’t know what you are talking about’.

Brutus knows why Dash was in the kitchen – but he ain’t telling!

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Nobody knows to this day how long Dash had been in the kitchen, or if the staff saw him, or what he got up to. No-one except for the other Iggies and they have taken a vow of silence to protect their own.

But rumours have it and I don’t know who started them, that in the time that Dash was in the kitchen, he ate like a King, vomited like Nica and ate it like Brutus. Others say that ‘Dash was here – 2015’ was scraped on the wall by the food cupboard in the kitchen, but how true that is, is anyone’s guess.

Anyway, when the Iggies had got bored with playing with each other, they decided that Brutus would make a very good toy and they would all play with him instead. Because Brutus is so big and doesn’t know his own strength, he has to stay on the leash which is often hard for him as he would love to play with the Iggies off the leash.

Brutus and Dash were enjoying each others company as they had formed a ‘brotherhood’ kind of thing or you could say ‘bro-mance’ and it was wonderful to watch.

‘I love you bro, seriously I totally love you’ Dash said to Brutus as he hugged him.

‘Love you back man, you are my bro, can you teach me to cock my leg like a big boy?’ Brutus replied.

‘Honoured man, totally honoured’ Dash barked and carried on hugging him. It was their moment and I just had to photograph it.

Dash and Brutus – ‘Bro-mance’

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘It’s my turn to play with Brutus!’ Mako shouted, followed by Soobi who had already started to play ‘bitey face’ on Brutus’s flappy jowls.

Brutus was so happy, he loves his friends and doesn’t feel quite so ‘special’ when they all include him.

Brutus loves his friends

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Like a little child that is unable to play with the other kids, he will stare wistfully at the other dogs, longing to play with them. He doesn’t mean to be clumsy and uncoordinated and can’t help his appearance.

People have crossed the road to avoid him because of how he looks but he really is a very kind and gentle, submissive male with a tendency to make himself as small as possible to fit in with his group.

So having all of these Iggies pay him attention made his heart burst with pride, well except for Soobi humping his head and that was just embarrassing for Brutus as only Rocky is allowed to do that, even if he does have to stand on a plant pot in order to do it with his bad hips clicking like fingers.

Rocky – the main humper of Brutus

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

The arrival of the cake – dogs all excited and squealing for cake

The arrival of the birthday cake caused a huge amount of excitement with Nica threatening to vomit up whatever she ate purely to show off.

‘Oh my god, it’s doggy birthday cake! ‘ Brutus gasped and then added ‘It is amazing, look Mum, look at the cake!’.

I had no heart to tell him that he wouldn’t be getting an actual piece but he could have one of the biscuit bones on the top of it.

Doggy birthday cake – enough for all!

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Wagging tails circling around like the propellers of a helicopter, bums wriggling, happy dogs all excited at the thought of a piece of the magnificent cake that was put in front of them. Each and every dog thought that the cake was there just for them.

‘I do believe that is all mine’ Rocco said firmly.

‘In your dreams, it is mine’ Poppy snapped at him.

‘I beg to differ here, Chewy and I have decided to share that’ Starbuck said under her breath.

Starbuck – that cake is mine!

(Photograph by Sam Rose – 2014)

‘Excuse me, but I am the one with the iPad and the mobile phone collection, it is mine!’ Pippin shouted, his eyes threatening to cry at the thought of him not getting the lions share of the cake.

Well none of the dogs need have worried as there was not only more than enough to go round but plenty leftover as well for other dogs.

Soobi, Olive, Lilly, Dobby, Ciccio, Woody, Apollo, Fletcher, Nora, Dobby and Lupo were enjoying a bit of a food fight and had started to throw bits of sponge at one another.

‘Excuse me, but could you not throw sponge at my coat!’ Chewy barked angrily. Being very proud of his coat, there was nothing worse than cream and sponge once it had set.

‘Oh not to worry Chewy, I can get that out for you’ Poppy said happily and then started to clean bits of sponge from Chewy’s coat.

‘This is the best day ever!’ Brutus said to me. With some tomato sauce still on his face and some crumbs from the bone shaped biscuit from the cake, I have never seen him look so happy.

Rocco and his outbursts

Rocco who as you know struggles with what I can only describe as doggy Tourettes, had been trying ever so hard to keep his outbursts under control.

Rocco – argues with himself

(Photograph by Sam Rose – 2014)

Having previously had some bitter fights with his invisible friends and fights that involved dreadful language and growling, Rocco had promised himself that for this birthday party he would be a good boy.

But as we all know Rocco, his potty mouth sometimes gets the better of him, especially if he gets tired.

It was all going very well as Rocco was being carried around the venue and sat happily in his Mums arms while being taken round to say ‘hello’ to everyone.

‘Good afternoon, very pleased to meet you’ Rocco said politely to every person and every Iggy that he greeted.

‘Bloody hell, what has happened to him?’ Bronte whispered to Pippin who had stopped humping his invisible friend and stared at Rocco.

‘How has your day been?’ Rocco asked each dog/person and nodded sweetly like a gentle old man. Even Gigi and Nica stopped talking about dog clothes and stared at him as though he had two heads or something.

‘That is not Rocco, it can’t be – someone has swapped him’ Woody said to Fletch who looked just as confused.

‘Why are you talking like Prince William?’ Olive demanded.

‘I am NOT talking like Prince William’ Rocco replied indignantly.

‘Oh my god, you so are! He is SO talking like Prince William!’ Olive squeaked loudly.

‘No I am not, I am trying to be polite and talk in the Queens English, you should try it some time’ Rocco said in a hurt voice and then sat in his Mums arms looking as though his pride had been punched.

‘He will never be able to keep this up, no way’ Pippin whispered to Brutus.

‘Five bucks says he can’ Brutus challenged Pippin.

‘You’re on – so say goodbye to your money Brutus’ Pippin laughed.

Girls – you just can’t understand them

Poppy who has told Brutus off a few times for ‘getting a bit fresh’ had decided that at the party, she was going to claim him for herself and was shamelessly flirting with him. It was not one sided either as Brutus had developed a crush on her quite some time ago and had a few of her Facebook photographs saved in his kennel.

‘Brutus, do you like my feathering on my tail and ears?’ Poppy giggled and then walked right up to his snout to invite him to sniff her face.

Brutus still blushes if girls flirt directly with him but was aware that Pippin, Cino, Dash, Apollo and Woody were all staring at him in admiration and giving him the ‘thumbs up’ and shouting ‘Go on my son!’.

Rocco was pretending not to care and was still wearing his sensible expression which occasionally was betrayed by his facial muscles twitching as he fought to swallow the swear words that threatened to escape from his mouth.

Suddenly Poppy spotted a bit of food on the floor and went to get it and Starbuck also saw it and felt that she too should have it.

‘Give that back to me, I saw it first!’ Poppy growled as Starbuck replied ‘No way, it is MINE!’.

Suddenly both dogs were arguing over the tiniest bit of food as Starbuck jumped on top of Poppy and called her a ‘bitch’ and threatened to pull her hair while Poppy squealed back and said ‘You are so fat, you don’t need that food!’.

As quickly as it started it all ended and both girls were separated as Starbuck was carried off sobbing to her Mum ‘Mum, am I really fat?’ and no amount of placating could convince her that she wasn’t and she would go on the Bonio Diet right away.

Poppy sat on her Mum’s knee crying ‘I saw it first and I need it the most’ as Brutus stared at her sympathetically and vowed to wash her tears away later.

‘Women’ Pippin sighed at Rocco, ‘I just don’t understand them Rocco’.

Rocco who had witnessed the whole thing, replied ‘Jolly right old chap’ and then rested his head on his Mums arms while Gigi choked on her ‘pup-o-cino’ at Rocco sounding more like Prince William by the second.

Chewy and the boys just don’t get women

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Waste not want not

Soon the argument between the girls was forgotten and food was back in the minds of the dogs – if it ever disappeared in the first place.

Brutus had a piece of my mushroom and in his usual disgusting style, he had chewed the mushroom in his mouth a few times and then spat it out on the floor and before I had chance to pick it up, Starbuck was back on the scene and quickly ate it. ‘Waste not want not’ She nodded firmly as the other dogs all nodded in agreement.

I pee, you pee, we all pee – the laws of dog urination

Part of the fun of any dog gathering is the opportunity to cock the leg or squat and generally spread ones piss around the venue.

Furbaby are really on the ball with this and full cleaning facilities are available to owners to clean up after their pets but it seems the more you clean up their pee, the bigger the challenge to do another one.

‘If you piss on that wall, I shall piss on it and then you will be sorry’ Mako said to Apollo.

‘Yeah, and if you piss on my piss, I shall piss on your piss and then it will be YOU who is sorry’ Apollo growled back.

‘I shall piss until there is no more piss in my body and even then, I shall do invisible piss’ Pippin added to the conversation and to prove a point, he tried to empty his already empty bladder to show to Mako and Apollo that he could piss with the best of them.

‘I can beat that’ Bronte grinned and squatted to make her mark, she was shortly followed by Starbuck and Poppy while Gigi and Nica decided that they could not be bothered and sat with Lilly to discuss how rude it all was.

But I guess we shall never understand the delights of the doggy urination club and how marvellous it must be for them to leave their ‘perfume/aftershave’ for another dog that says ‘I was here’ or simply ‘Piss off’.

Welcome back Rocco

‘I think it was a jolly nice day today’ Said Pippin his ‘BBC English’ type accent, ‘I declare it a total success’.

‘I declare Dash getting into the kitchen unnoticed an even bigger success’ Apollo and Ciccio laughed.

Fletch and Woody were still in heated discussions as to whether or not they too could get into the kitchen while little Mako said he much preferred to stand on Brutus’s back for bacon.

The dogs declare the day a success

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Rocco who was on the floor and circling round looking for a good spot to pee had caught the attention of Dash.

‘Rocco, now you are speaking like Prince William, would you like to give a Royal speech?’ Dash asked Rocco with a big grin on his face.

Looking up at Dash, Rocco puffed his chest up and took a deep breath and replied in a posh voice ‘Bollocks, that is all I have to say on the matter’ and then started to attack his invisible friend and call it a ‘bastard’.

‘I guess I owe you five bucks’ Brutus laughed to Pippin.

‘I guess you do’ Pippin replied smugly.

‘Rocco is back’ Bronte laughed to Gigi who smiled happily and one by one, the dogs all clapped because Rocco being posh, is just not Rocco at all.

Home Time

Soon it was time to go home and the sound of high-pitched Iggy voices filled the air. The female dogs air-kissed and Gigi could be heard saying ‘Catch up soon darling’ to Nica.

Olive was using ‘teen-talk’ to Bronte and saying things like ‘Oh my god, that is SO totes adorbs’ and ‘Snap Chat me’.

The boys shuffled around and looked uncomfortable at the thought of going back to their respective homes. After all, who wants to leave the party when they have had so much fun and games?

‘I don’t want to go home’ Brutus said in a sulky voice as he looked around at the leftover cake, puddles of urine that had lovingly been forced out of every dogs bladder – just to prove they had been there, a bit like the doggy version of graffiti I suppose.

‘Nor do I’ Apollo sighed.

‘We have internet, we could all chat about it tonight and discuss the days events!’ Olive piped up.

‘That’s true’ Fletch said and the others all nodded their heads.

Then as if by magic they all remembered the marvels of modern technology, Facebook and Skype and realised that they could easily meet up that night in Cyber land.

The Iggies happily wagged their tails as their owners clipped their leashes to their collars or picked them up to be carried to their cars.

Brutus always gets jealous of the Iggies that get carried to their cars and would dearly love me to carry him but we all know that will never happen – not at 29 kgs and a pile of long legs anyway.

‘Mum, can you carry me to the car like the other Iggies?’ Brutus cried and then pointed his head in the direction of Rocco who was being held by his Mum.

‘No Brutus, you are too big to be carried’ I told him firmly.

‘So not fair, I can’t help it if I am big – stop picking on me because I am big’ Brutus grumbled under his breath and started to purposely drag his feet to the gate in protest like a naughty toddler, causing his nails to scrape on the concrete.

And soon the VID area was empty with the only trace of our party being the doggy graffiti in the form of pee on every post and that my friends; in dog language screams ‘The Italian Greyhound Club of Western Australia were here and we loved it’.

The End

Thanks and Acknowledgements

Thank you to Cino and Starbuck’s owners for the wonderful birthday party and inviting us all and to Furbaby Boutique and Cafe in Perth for such a fabulous venue, excellent staff and great food and hospitality and of course that lovely cake.

The Fastest Dog in Australia 2015 – First Heats

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Samantha Rose

Pippin Pringle talks to Gordon about lure coursing

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Firstly I would like to apologise in the delay of the Toppa in QLD story, I am halfway through that but have had a few personal things going on. Toppa has done very well in QLD in the show ring and his testicles are the talk of the town but that is another story and I shall get that finished as soon as I possibly can.

The Fastest Dog in Australia Heats 2015

This years contest is bigger than last year and the following clubs are now also competing which is fantastic news.

Adelaide Lure Coursing and Lure Racing are taking part as are the Yarra Valley Whippet Social Racing Club, Victoria so four states are competing this year. So come on Northern Territory, I have made up stories for your crocs, dingoes and kangaroos but having your dogs on board would be fabulous!

The Big Day Arrives

It was Good Friday and the day for lure coursing and the first set of heats for West Coast Dog Sports for the Fastest Dog in Australia for 2015.

It was also being held at a new venue – Dogs West Show Grounds in Southern River, instead of our usual Kings Meadow Polo Grounds site which was actually quite nice for a change although some of the dogs were a bit nervous about having their routine changed – well Brutus in particular.

‘Will the grass be as nice?’ Brutus sobbed to me that morning as I got him ready, he was panicking at the slightest change and for Brutus; another venue may as well mean the end of his big brown world.

Poor old Brutus – doesn’t take much to confuse him!

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Did you just ask if the grass would be as nice, did you just really ask that?’ Rocky demanded in amusement.

What did you just say? said Rocky

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Vader told me that the grass on the South of the River is brown and the grass in the Polo Club is a nice green colour and if we run on different grass then our legs will fall off’ Brutus protested.

He quite liked his legs and really did not want them to fall off. Rocky bit his lip to avoid responding but Gordon who had no such self-restraint muttered stuff about Brutus falling from the idiot tree and banging his head on every branch as he fell down.

Gordon can give a dirty look that shrivels grown men

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Don’t worry Brutus, you will not lose your legs’ I reassured him and gave Gordon a dirty look which was totally wasted as he was washing his bum and ignoring me.

‘Good luck Brutus!’ Rocky waved to us as we pulled out of the driveway.

Brutus pressed his face up against the car window leaving nose art smeared on the glass and waved back at Rocky until he disappeared out of sight.

‘Are we there yet?’ Brutus demanded as we got on to the main road.

‘No Brutus, we are not there yet’ I replied. ‘Have you farted?’ I demanded to him as I smelt the familiar smell of ‘gastro-pup’ fill the car.

Sniffing his own bum Brutus then looked at me and said flatly ‘Yes, I have’.

And with that reply I had could say nothing.

On arrival at the lure coursing grounds (Dogs West)

The Italian Greyhound gazebo was already set up with several of our group already settled. The first dog we saw was Chewy who was full of excitement at what the day had to offer him.

‘Hi Brutus, how’s it going?’ Chewy grinned to Brutus. Wearing his finest pants (pantaloons), Chewy the Tibetan, looked quite splendid in all his ‘smallness’ and for such a small dog, exuded presence that demanded that your admiration.

When Chewy runs down the track his sole aim is to get you to admire his coat, the fact that he looks uber cute as he runs is a bonus.

Chewy – the big dog in a little body with cute pants

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Hi Chewy, have you seen Vader – he came with his Mum and Dad and Tess in their car?’ Brutus asked nervously.

‘Nope, he isn’t here yet’ Chewy replied and then stuffed his nose up Poppy’s bum to see where she had been.

Deciding to have a look around to see who was there, Brutus left the Iggy camp and went for a walk.

Sighting the Mouse Norris the greyhound who was there with her sister Barbie and some other greyhounds, Brutus went over to say hello to them.

Mouse is officially head of ‘The Cool Gang’ and always does cool stuff like travelling, kayaking and just going everywhere and anywhere including riding in her own trailer at the back of her Mums bike.

Someone said that Mouse actually has her own passport and has been around the world but that is just a rumour although it wouldn’t surprise me.

Brutus and Mouse Norris in the early days of their friendship

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Hi Mouse!’ Brutus shouted. At one point Mouse would have ignored such a strange-looking dog but Brutus had been on the circuit enough to have proven himself and Mouse now greeted him like one of her cool gang.

Nodding at him and smiling, Mouse replied ‘Hi Brutus, good luck for today!’ while Barbie looked round and gave him the paws-up symbol for good luck.

Brutus was absurdly pleased and tried to look ‘cool’ at such an acknowledgement. As he walked off, he turned round and smiled back at Mouse and at the same time tripped over a blade of grass but thankfully nobody saw it except for a chunky looking Pug that snorted with laughter but everyone else thought that was just his breathing and totally ignored him.

Team Pringle

Brutus was now back in the Iggy section and Vader had arrived with his sister Tess who was air-kissing Woody and Hamish and telling them how marvellous it was to see them.

Brutus and Pippin discuss race tactics

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘It felt wrong us not being in the car together this morning’ Vader whispered to Brutus who agreed with him, although it was for the best as three dogs in the car and three humans would be far too much even by Brutus’s standards.

‘Haven’t seen you in years, shall we chew each others jowls?’ Vader asked Brutus who obliged by cleaning Vader’s mouth which caused Tess to wrinkle up her snout in disgust at such a public display of snot exchange.

Brutus and Vader – Jowl lickers forever

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Pippin was busy on his iPad trying to liaise with Nica and Zara who had gone with their Mums down South for the Easter break. He wanted to find out how things were going down there and so that he could give Nica all the updates and although they were on holiday; the girls were still expected to keep up with the lure coursing gossip.

Pippin trying to organise everyone

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Rocco and Madam Gigi were also absent as were Olive and Bambi and several of the others so the Iggy contingent were pretty thin on the ground although Woody made up for it with his stealth like ability to get on the knees of everyone that he met and would come off smelling of various perfumes from intense cuddle and petting sessions.

Brutus got quite excited at the little Dachshund and almost asked for its mobile number until Poppy told him that he was in fact a boy, not that it bothered Brutus as Pippin told him little things like that don’t matter.

‘Did your Mum get you that? I would SO love one of those’ Poppy the Chinese Crested gushed at Bronte who was showing off her beautiful collar that Dee Cole (The Canine Company) had hand-made for her. Pippin also has one – ‘Fifty Shades of Pippin’.

‘Yes she did and she has ordered me some other clothes as well’ Bronte said confidently. Bronte had the best wardrobe for miles only rivalled by that of Tess, with a rich selection of dresses, skirts, tops and collars to name but a few.

The latest on the catwalk – according to Bronte

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

In fact rumours had it that even the top fashion designers from Paris, New York and Rome would come to Bronte’s house for ideas for Paris Fashion Week and consult with the tiny Italian greyhound about ‘what is hot’ and ‘what is not’ in the world of Iggies.

‘Do you like my pants?’ Chewy barked loudly, feeling a bit left out; he wanted to direct the conversation towards himself to show off his ‘pantaloons’ which looked just like the baggy Arabic dance pants and very good they looked too.

‘I wouldn’t mind a pair of pants like that’ Brutus nodded approvingly and then asked Vader for his opinion on Chewy’s pants. ‘I could shit in those and Mum would never know, how much fun that would be!’ Vader replied momentarily excited at the thought of having some pants to store turd in. He could use them as weapons to flick over the fence to hit next doors cat, now that would be fun.

‘Please excuse my brother, he is quite revolting’ Tess sighed and then went back to discussing joint issues and the benefits of supplements with Woody.

There are two Woody’s in Tess’s life – here is the toy one

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Millie the border collie, Poppy and Bronte were busy looking through some samples of dog collars and clothes. ‘I wouldn’t mind one of those collars’ Millie said pointedly at her Mum who must have overheard as the next minute she was rifling through the box looking for something to order her.

‘I wish my Mum would buy me one of those collars, I tried a Hugh Hefner style collar on at the last event and thought I looked quite mature for my age’ Brutus said wistfully to Vader who giggled as the words ‘mature’ and ‘Brutus’ simply did not go in the same sentence.

‘My Mum said there is no point in wasting one on me, she reckons I would break it in seconds’ Vader laughed truthfully.

Brutus just hung his head and said nothing. He thought he looked jolly nice in the collar he tried on and would have loved one for himself but a new collar was certainly not on my priority list for him when I had other things to think about financially.

The Cloth Dogs and the ‘Crate of Barks’

You have all read about what I describe as ‘The Cloth Dogs’ which are Kim and Ian Cross’s Afghan hounds. I use the term ‘Cloth Dog’ as when they run down the track they look like a piece of silk cloth floating along the grass and the image can be very suddenly ruined when they decide to roll in horse shit which although hilarious to watch, must take ages to get out of the fur.

One of the Cloth Dogs is called Eugene and he also plays the piano and enjoys a bit of 70s dancing but once again, that is another story.

Eugene – The Cloth Dog

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Eugene like Rocco, Bentley and Sting the Italian greyhounds, suffers a bit of Tourette’s and is prone to outbursts of bad language and insults and can always be heard from his crate yelling stuff to other dogs as they go by.

Today was no different and surrounded by his wives, Eugene was absolutely furious at every dog that had the audacity to walk past his crate.

Eugene has a strong foreign accent that gets harder to understand the angrier he gets and when he is in his crate with his wives, it can get quite heated. The crate I might add is known as ‘The Crate of Barks’.

‘Your Mumma she eat turd for her breakfast!’ Eugene yelled in broken English to a couple of Ridgebacks that walked by while Lucy – one of Eugene’s wives giggled behind him and hid behind her fringe for anonymity .

‘Your Mumma she lick the cats bottom!’ shouted a grizzled looking dog in a fake Italian accent back to Eugene while a group of Weimaraners looked horrified at such words and shook their heads in horror. (dogs will often talk in fake foreign accents purely for effect)

All you could hear was the exchange of angry words between the grizzled dog and Eugene with stuff like ‘Your Mumma she did this’ and ‘Your Mumma she did that’ and my personal favourite ‘Your Mumma has a snout like my Mumma’s anus!’.

‘I eat your family for breakfast!’ growled Eugene and then whispered to his wives in the crate ‘You girls can bark as well and make it sound scary’.

‘This is the bad-ass crate for the bad dogs, you are in my hood now!’ the angry Afghan barked.

‘Yeah, I could eat you for breakfast you big fat hairball!’ squealed a Jack Russell Terrier who looked a bit like Danny De Vito, ‘I have contacts you know and I could snap you like a twig!’

‘You have been watching too many movies little dog, I shit things out of my bum bigger than you’ Eugene barked.

‘I will come back with my friends’ spluttered the Jack Russell angrily and then realised that he hadn’t actually brought any friends and would have to round-up some invisible ones instead.

‘And that man-bun on the top of your head makes you look like a hairy sumo girl!’ snarled the Jack Russell which caused Eugene to stop yelling and ask Lucy if he really did look like a hairy sumo girl.

‘I don’t look like a girl do I?’ Eugene asked her. Lucy flicked her fringe dramatically and replied soothingly ‘Just ignore him, he is jealous’.

‘Big fat hairy sumo girl!’ barked the Jack Russell and then started to flash Eugene his bum to antagonise him.

The thing is with little dogs, the smaller they are the bigger that they think they are and the more you reprimand them and hold them back, the more they say ‘Let me at it, I shall eat him alive’ – even if the dog is the size of a small snack, it simply won’t stop them thinking how big and tough they are.

Just as it was about to all kick off, Brutus walked past with Millie and grinned at Eugene ‘Hi Eugene, how’s it going?’

‘Piss off and don’t ruin my moment’ Eugene growled harshly at Brutus.

‘He is such a kidder, he is a teddy bear really, I love him’ Brutus said confidently to Millie (Brutus loves everyone and thinks everyone loves him which is not strictly true).

‘I am not so sure about that Brutus’ Millie said nervously as Eugene flipped Brutus the bird through the bars of his crate and gave a flick of his ‘man bun’ which is the hair on top of his head all pinned up so that it doesn’t get knotted.

Leaving Eugene and his wives to defend his ‘crate of growls’, Brutus and Millie made their way to the sausage sizzle because Millie wanted to give Brutus a lesson in how to vacuum off a sausage from the counter in one easy step while ignoring the onions.

Millie I should add, was an expert in this as she had already inhaled her human brothers cheese and salad wrap from the table leaving no evidence except for a bit of cheese on her black and white snout.

Millie the border collie and expert inhaler of food

(Photograph by Studio Joy)

A Hot Dog Affair

‘So you see what you do is to pretend you are asleep but have the sausage firmly set in your sights and when your parents are not looking you quickly lean up with your head to the side and inhale the sausage’. Millie whispered to Brutus.

‘But watch you don’t choke on it and always run away and eat the evidence so they can pin nothing on you and never eat the onions as they are poisonous’ Millie added confidently.

Brutus was taking on board everything Millie told him but then he realised that we never actually have sausages in our house so he would have to try something else. He briefly wondered if hash browns would be as good but if he swallowed one of those whole he would end up with a triangular shape in his throat (or so I can imagine).

Bundy – The Town Crier and Brutus The Good Boy

You all know Bundy the fluffy Samoyed otherwise known as the Town Crier, he announces everything and anything and nothing but does so with such passion and enthusiasm that the title cannot possibly be removed from him.

Bundy and Brutus have become good friends after Bundy came to Brutus’s birthday party and the boys always enjoy catching up.

Brutus and Bundy – the Town Crier

(Photography by Sam Rose)

Dogs have been known to watch Bundy to see what he has to say and even clap afterwards despite his speeches making no sense whatsoever. Bundy is what you might call the Martin Luther King of the dog world when it comes to giving speeches.

‘Here I am everyone, I am here, I am there and I am everywhere!’ Bundy barked to everyone that would listen and anyone that wouldn’t.

‘Race for your lives, race for your families, race for the world and then spread the word that lure is the cure!’ Bundy barked hysterically working himself up to fever pitch. A small crowd of dogs had gathered round Bundy who was totally not stopping for breath.

One husky wagged his tail enthusiastically, proud to be part of such a gathering while Millie and Brutus had left the sausage sizzle and had joined Bundy to hear what he had to say.

‘Brutus you must go back to Team Pringle at the Iggy stand at once!’ Bundy barked in a firm voice. ‘Yes, you must go at once’ the Husky added to the instruction and then every dog in the area had added their part ‘You must go at once’ until it became so loud that ignoring it was simply not an option.

‘Goodness what on earth could this be about?’ Brutus asked Millie who shrugged her shoulders as she had no idea at all.

‘Your Mumma eat the shoe off my foot!’ Eugene shouted from his ‘Cage of Barks’ and as Brutus and Millie walked by he added ‘Go to Team Pringle at once!’ followed by ‘Your father eat mouldy socks for tea’ while a tough looking Dachshund standing next to him did a ‘cut throat’ sign with his paw for effect and nodded so vigorously that his head nearly fell off.

‘What have I done wrong? I only washed Pippin’s genitals once and I haven’t chewed Mum’s bras in ages’ Brutus thought nervously. He had been a good boy, or at least he thought he had.

It was very important for Brutus to be a ‘good boy’ and it had got to the stage where Dee Cole and the Iggy crew had even awarded him a certificate for a pretend ‘Good Boy Award’ because it meant so much to him.

On arrival at the Team Pringle tent, Pippin was holding court to the group who were all whispering and nodding and doing the usual stuff that is indicative of gossip.

Pippin Pringle calls the meeting

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Shhh, here he is!’ Bronte hissed to Pippin who blushed and then picked up a piece of paper with a speech written down on it.

‘Oh I can’t wait for this one!’ Woody grinned to Vader who was now trying to persuade his tongue to get back into his mouth and stop interrupting.

‘Can I stand next to Brutus so that he can sniff my bum?’ Poppy the Chinese Crested asked Pippin who frowned at her and told her to remember her manners. Tess had no such self-control and was flashing her pink paws and tidy bottom at Brutus who was so scared of what was to come that he never even noticed.

Chewy, Millie and Taia sat impatiently waiting for the announcement and Bronte was whispering stuff in Pippin’s ear as he went through what was written on the paper.

‘What’s going on? What have I done?’ Brutus asked Pippin who had put his half rimmed spectacles on (with no glass on them but they make him look smarter) to read the speech.

‘Sit down Brutus please’ Pippin ordered the big brown gentle giant who was so nervous that his bottom had started to have a party all by itself by farting.

Wrinkling her delicate nose, Poppy said ‘What on earth is that smell?’

Vader whispered ‘He has farted, we always fart when we are nervous – it is a medical condition you know.

‘Right, let’s get started!’ Pippin coughed to clear his throat and then clapped his skinny paws together to get everyone’s attention.

‘We – the Iggies and honorary Iggies would like to award you The Good Boy Award for being a good boy and would very much like you to have this collar – hand-made by Dee Cole (The Canine Company) which means you are officially a Good Boy and an honorary Iggy’ Pippin said proudly.

‘But Rocco said that the Good Boy Award was just made up to keep me happy’ Brutus faltered, blushing and trying to make himself small as everyone was staring at him.

‘Yes that may well be so but you are OUR Good Boy, and you protect us Iggies and have become part of our little group so that makes the award official’ Pippin added.

‘And Dee Cole, Kim Cross and Denise Pringle say you are a Good Boy, so does Fran Forbes in QLD and all the others in the Iggie club say it so it must be true’ Bronte said in a tearful voice, (she always gets emotional at speeches and has been known to thank everyone including the Queen, Gucci, Prada and her Mum).

Looking down at the beautiful hand-made leather collar, Brutus examined it closely and admired the soft leather and the gold patterns on it. It really was gorgeous and it was the Hugh Hefner collar that he had tried on and had always wanted but never thought he would have.

‘I don’t know what to say’ Brutus said quietly as he did his famous Brutus-expression with his bottom lip hanging down like a coin slot.

‘Well you could try it on for starters!’ Chewy laughed at the big brown dog who was going red and clearly about to go ‘Full Pippin’ and burst into tears.

*Pippin Pringle is prone to bursting into tears when he is tired or emotional – hence the term ‘Full Pippin*

‘I shall help you put it on’ Tess said gently to Brutus and then stood on her little white hind legs as Brutus bowed his head down to have his Good Boy Collar placed on his neck and it fitted him very well I might add and made him look very handsome.

Pippin presents Brutus with his ‘Good Boy Collar Award’

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Speech! Speech!’ Bronte and Millie squealed together as Woody, Tess and the others all started to join in with a slow and deliberate clap of paws.

‘I do feel like you are my family really and I know that you are all smarter than me and I am a bit clumsy but I do love you all and would like to thank you for my lovely collar’ Brutus stuttered as he tried to find his words and not quite knowing what to do next; he farted and then turned round and checked his bum for stains.

‘Good lad!’ Vader said with his voice full of pride as Tess poked him to be quiet,

‘And I know that I am not a pedigree or a show dog but winning The Good Boy Collar Award means so much to me’ unable to find the words to say anything else, Brutus was so overcome with emotion, that he hung his big boofy head down and couldn’t think of what else to say as he took little gasps of breath while trying not to cry as tears poured down his brown cheeks.

Brutus displays his collar and tries to stand like a show dog

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Here’s to Brutus the Good boy!’ Eugene shouted from outside the Iggy tent as the other dogs clapped and cheered. Having dragged his Mum Kim down to the Iggy camp. Eugene was wearing his 70s flared pants and still proudly sporting his ‘man-bun’ above his head.

Not used to seeing Brutus show so much emotion, Pippin decided that a diversion was in order to get things back on track and to save the big brown dog from further embarrassment.

‘Come on you lot, rumours have it that Brutus and Vader are going to be called for their first trial for the Fastest Dog in Australia contest, so let’s get these boys ready!’ Pippin shouted to his team.

Standing there wearing his ‘Good Boy Collar’, Brutus stared round at his friends. They were all smiling at him and wagging their tails.

Even Eugene had stopped his bout of Tourette’s and was wagging his big fluffy tail in response, but don’t be fooled by that – he was back to swearing and shouting ‘Your Mumma eat turd for breakfast’ a few minutes later.

‘My friends – they are all my friends and I love them’ Brutus thought to himself and remembering just a year ago when he first went lure coursing and hadn’t met the Iggies, now he could not imagine his life without them in it.

And let us not forget Vader, his trusty ‘special’ mate that body slams him, that engages in mutual cleaning of the jowl flaps and enjoys bad habits with, now that is a friendship that is truly special.

The Fastest Dog in Australia – Brutus and Vader do their bit

‘Oh god I am nervous, what do I do, where do I run?’ Brutus cried as Lexie took his leash – she was going to release him and I would catch him at the other end.

This time he had to go through narrow timing gates to get a precise timing for the competition. ‘You know what to do, you have done it before and however you do I am proud of you’ I reassured the trembling dog who just a week before had been laid up with gastro due to some dodgy kangaroo meat.

Making my way down to the other end I nervously bit my lip waiting for him to be released. ‘Is that Brutus, who normally crashes the barrier?’ laughed the lure operator and feeling my cheeks burn, I said that yes it was. (Brutus can’t turn corners you see and just thinks it is easier to crash the barriers).

Within seconds Lexie had released him, the lure had been set off and Brutus shot forward with his mates cheering him on shouting ‘Go on Turd Legs, you can do it!’.

He ran so well and was right on the lure and totally ignored me – he was fixed on it like a good boy. Usually he looks for his Mum (me) but this time he knew what he had to chase and was hell-bent on getting it.

Vader stood at the side waiting his turn and shouted ‘Go on Brutus, you can do it!’ in between choking on his tongue and farting with nerves and excitement.

Brutus I must add; has a fabulous imagination and each time he runs he has the ‘Chariots of Fire’ theme tune in his head as he imagines he is running is own Grand National.

Although you and I both know that he is running alone chasing a plastic bag on a lure, in Brutus’s eyes he is a professional racing dog.

Brutus taking his turn for the Fastest Dog in Australia competition

(Photograph by Studio Joy)

He has been known to get so emotional that he cries down the track and imagines people cheering him and congratulating him for ‘winning his race’.

I am not one for ruining his dreams as we are all entitled to those but I do get fed up with the Chariots of Fire theme tune though that Brutus insisted on playing in the car on the way down to get him in the mood.

I was very proud of him though as this was a new venue and Brutus ran straight through the timing barriers like a champion and in true Brutus style ran straight past me and then came back for me to put his leash on.

Brutus going through the timing gates at the finish

(Photograph by Studio Joy)

‘Did I win? Did I win?’ Brutus panted and as usual I did not have the heart to tell him that it was more a timing thing than a race and that he wasn’t racing against anyone but let him enjoy his moment all the same.

Then it was Vader’s turn and in a true Jowls of Fire event, Vader, his tongue and his jowls flapped their way down the track in a flurry of snot as the chunky boxer dog also ran like a champ.

Being a total pro at turning corners, Vader was only mildly disappointed that there were none there but did very well all the same.

The dogs were all watching Vader while chanting the Chariots of Fire theme tune which sounded hilarious if you can imagine a gang of dogs shouting ‘Da da da da da da, da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da’ (I bet you have just sung it yourselves haven’t you!)

‘Look at that tongue!’ Bundy shouted and then started to bark frantically to announce the arrival of Vader’s tongue.

Vader – (Jowls of Fire) does his heat in the Fastest Dog in Australia competition

‘Go on flappy jowls!’ the Irish terrier growled in support as he did like to cheer on the other dogs and was a passionate lure courser himself.

Vader thundered over the finish line to be met by his mates who all congratulated him for his effort.

‘Proud of you Vader, you did well. Where is your tongue?’ Brutus asked his friend.

Opening his mouth, Vader displayed his enormous tongue and said ‘I think it is here’.

‘Good, now keep it tucked inside safe before someone mistakes it for a Christmas ham’ Brutus told him as both boys walked back towards the Iggy tent while trying to talk over one another as to who ran the fastest and it was decided that Vader’s tongue won by a metre.

Never underestimate the power of Vader’s tongue

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Bundy has his turn

As Bundy took his turn to run it was soon realised that there was no-one to announce it so Bundy decided to do it himself.

‘I am running now, lock up your families and feed your children, I am about to set the grass on fire’ Bundy barked to everyone.

He got so excited that he actually almost pulled his Mum round the wrong way and nearly ran in the wrong direction. ‘Let me at it, where is that lure?’ Bundy demanded angrily.

‘It’s behind you, if you run in that direction you shall end up in the ladies toilets!’ Eugene barked while Lucy his wife tried not to laugh.

‘I knew that, I totally knew that’ Bundy said in an embarrassed voice before his Mum had managed to turn him in the right direction.

‘And he is off!’ Eugene nodded approvingly as Bundy set off like a cotton ball shot out of a cannon as he chased after the lure while continuing to bark and announce himself to the world.

Bundy the Cotton-Cannonball takes his turn in the contest

(Photograph by Studio Joy)

The importance of friendships – both real and invisible

I have said before that every dog has an invisible friend for the days when there is no-one else to fight or argue or play with and the power of these invisible friendships should never be underestimated.

If you look around the grounds at any doggy event be it a dog show, agility or lure coursing, you will see dogs playing with their invisible friends. You will see dogs barking at nothing – except that it isn’t nothing, it is their invisible friend.

You will see tails wagging at nothing in particular but what you won’t see is the invisible dog that is inciting that reaction. It really is a marvellous phenomenon, not to mention the fact that when your dog does something naughty in the home, the invisible dogs are always to blame.

Anyway back to lure coursing where one dog was having a fight with his invisible friend over the lure and threatening to bite him. Growls and barks filled the air as the terrier insulted his invisible friend and threatened to piss on his head until his owners came and got him for his turn to race and then it was ‘game on’ as the little dog ran its legs off.

All dogs have invisible friends you know

(Photograph by Studio Joy)

A beautiful chocolate colour kelpie called Bruiser didn’t appear to have any invisible friends. It was his first time at lure coursing and he was busy taking in the atmosphere while trying to work out who was what and whether or not Bundy was a sheep that needed to be herded up.

Bruiser the Kelpie‘s first time at lure coursing

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Hi, the name is Brutus’ Brutus barked at Bruiser the kelpie and offered his bum to be sniffed as a greeting which Bruiser did quite happily.

‘You look just like my brother Rocky except you are chocolate colour’ Brutus said in his special voice – he is a bit of a Forrest Gump is my Brutus.

‘Pleased to meet you’ Bruiser grinned, ‘So, tell me what all this lure coursing is about then’.

‘Well, it’s like this…..’ Brutus started to say. As the two boys sat side by side, Brutus patiently explained to Bruiser about how lure coursing is a sport for both dogs and their owners to enjoy, a day out for everyone and a display of fitness and endurance.

Not just limited to Australia, lure coursing is also popular in many countries around the world and the day is made extra nice if you can scrounge some treats from your Mum/Dad.

As quickly as Bruiser thought he had come to the event with no friends, he had made a new one in Brutus, Vader and the rest of the gang. That is how it is at lure coursing you see, you are never without a friend for long be it invisible or real.

Bronte and Pippin – Their entries for Fastest Dog in Australia

Bronte was now at the starting line waiting to be released as Denise waited at the finish line to catch her.

‘That’s my sister that is!’ Pippin nodded to a Borzoi who was standing next to him.

In a strong Russian accent the Borzoi replied ‘Zat is a tiny leetle dog with a long snout, I bet she go very fast’.

But before they had chance to discuss Bronte further, she had already reached the finish line in such good speeds that the dogs around the barriers had taken out their calculators to see whose time she had beaten.

Looking the epitome of elegance and beauty, the Borzoi who called himself Valdov, was oblivious to all around him except for Bronte. Who was this beautiful little red and white dog with long legs and he wondered if he could he take her back to Russia to be his wife?

‘I did it! Did I do it well?’ Bronte panted as Denise proudly carried her away from the track.

Pippin was not happy at the way Valdov was eyeing up his sister and he especially wasn’t happy with the way the giant dog was swigging Russian water from a hip flask either.

‘Pippin, it’s your turn’ Bronte said breathlessly, ‘Hello, I am Bronte – pleased to meet you’ she added holding out her slim paw to acknowledge Valdov who was boring his eyes in to her.

‘Hello Bronte, Vood you like me to teach you how to speak Russian?’ Valdov asked Bronte causing her to blush. (Imagine that sentence in a Russian accent to get the idea)

Before she had chance to answer, Pippin whispered to the Borzoi ‘I know some Russian’.

‘Eeez zat right?’ Valdov smirked.

‘Yes’ Pippin said firmly and then stood up on his hind legs to make himself bigger and said loudly ‘Leave my sister alone or I shall piss in your vodka bottle’.

And with that Pippin walked off and took his position on the starting line to do his entry for the Fastest Dog in Australia while secretly shitting his pants as he had been so brave in standing up to the Borzoi.

But that is what you do for those you love, you stand up for them even when it scares you.

‘Go on my Pippin, you can do it!’ Bronte squealed as the little dog ran for his life towards his Mum Denise.

Brutus was cheering him on in his deep voice from the sidelines. He looked on Pippin and Bronte as family and loves to see them racing, especially as this contest is a big event for any Australian lure coursing dog.

Jumping into his Mum’s arms, Pippin was every inch the hero as he was carried off the track.

Winner of the Fastest Iggy in Australia last year, the Iggies were very proud of Pippin and how passionately flew the flag for the club in the competition for 2014 and had equally high hopes this year.

However, we shall not say anything about his secret penchant for ballroom dancing though and his liking for tight satin pants because you shall find out all about that another time and without saying too much, Eugene is heavily involved in that as well which kind of makes fun of his ‘Crate of Barks’ and ruins his reputation but there you go, we all have a guilty secret somewhere.

Lucy – Wife of Eugene and ‘Cloth Dog has her turn

Lucy the Cloth Dog was about to take her turn for the run and as usual provided some fabulous entertainment as she ran down the track in elegant fashion whilst resembling a piece of black silk cloth in the wind.

With the Cloth Dogs it is not the actually race that people come to see, it is the show they put on at the end which usually involves leaping over the barrier, joyously running around and if there is some horse turd to roll in then all the better.

The trouble was is at Dogs West Show Grounds there is no horse manure for them to roll in but that did not stop Lucy standing there after her race and saying ‘Who has hidden the horse shit?’ while the Dachshunds yelled things like ‘Little dogs have rights too’.

Lucy the Cloth Dog floats down the track

(Photograph by Studio Joy)

This of course set everyone else off including Bundy who was barking away shouting ‘I am the fastest cotton dog in the West!’

Satisfied that Lucy had caused enough of a rumpus with her antics, Eugene had gone back to the ‘Crate of Barks’ and was busy trying to find his own bottom amongst all that fur so that he could wash his anus.

The life of Tess

Tess had made herself comfortable in my chair and was busy discussing respectable things with Hamish and Woody.

‘I have two homes you know and in one of them I get to do as I like and have my own personal chef (my husband) and two leather sofas. (Tess looks on my house as her house and that is fine because Gordon loves her as well).

‘I have lots of laps to go on and I can get cuddles and pats whenever I want’ Woody added to the conversation.

‘I just love everyone’ Vader replied to nobody in particular and reached out to wash Brutus’s jowls which was quite a disgusting habit enjoyed by both dogs but really was not pleasant for public viewing.

The End of the Day

The exhausted dogs were resting around the gazebo, some were asleep, some falling asleep but those that were awake were discussing the day and the next lure coursing session. Always planning in advance for their next social event, nothing excited them more than lure coursing (well except for a play date at the Furbaby Cafe).

Tess being a social butterfly while the others rest after a busy day

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Brutus was sitting in my chair with his legs apart and his manhood rudely on display which of course had Vader making comments about sausages and stuff. (I never even realised that until after I posted the photo on Facebook).

Brutus on my chair – once you see it, you cannot ‘un-see’ it

(Photograph ignorantly taken by myself – Sam Rose)

‘Pippin?’ asked Brutus, ‘Will you be having lots of mobile phones like last year and talking to all the States in Australia?’

Pippin looked thoughtful and replied ‘Of course I will, in fact I have a new mobile phone as well – do you like it?’ whipping out a Galaxy Note 3, it looked as though he was holding a laptop.

‘That’s enormous!’ Bronte gasped, ‘We could watch TV on that’.

‘Oh yes and Barney, Kath and Ruby will be reporting for their side and Amex, Shine and Gracie will be helping them and I do believe Luciano will be the Karratha Correspondent’ Pippin added.

‘Will you be talking to the Northern Territory again like last year, I remember some, crocs, roos and dingoes were involved’ barked Vader.

‘Oh yes, we must not forget the Northern Territory, the crocs are hardcore supporters of lure coursing you know’ Pippin grinned.

‘Can crocs do lure coursing, I never knew that?’ Brutus piped up from his (my) chair.

Poppy, Chewy, Hamish, Woody, Bronte, Taia, Millie and the little Dachshund burst out laughing. ‘Crocs don’t do lure coursing silly!’ Tess shook her head while giggling at Brutus.

‘I knew that, I was just seeing if you knew that’ Brutus blushed as even Vader laughed at him.

‘Yes, more people are involved this year and each year will see it get bigger and better than the last as we learn from each event’. Pippin said firmly.

‘It’s good to be part of it though isn’t it?’ Millie barked as the others all agreed with her.

‘Do you remember us all sat at our computers last year for the finals, that was awesome’ Bronte reminded the others.

‘Oh yes, none of us got much sleep that night’ Pippin laughed, ‘But it was worth it though’.

‘Well, here’s to the next heat for the contest and let’s hope we can better our times and if not, we shall have a bloody good time anyway’ Brutus barked loudly.

‘Here here!’ barked the others and for a few minutes that is all you could hear – the sound of barking and the sight of tails wagging as the gang acknowledged that the Fastest Dog in Australia competition 2015 was well and truly underway.

At Barney’s House in QLD

‘So is everything in order then, what happens now?’ Kath the greyhound asked Barney who was sitting at his desk typing up notes for the Fastest Dog in Australia contest.

‘Let the competition commence and may the best dog win!’ Barney replied as he nodded to Kath.

At Amex’s House in QLD

As one of the official correspondents, Amex had been ready for this contest months. In fact he was born ready and being meticulously organised, had his office sorted, computer connected and webcam wired up for a live feed around Australia to keep up with the contest.

Remembering how much fun it had been last year Amex was really looking forward to it this year and had even purchased an ear piece so that he could listen to updates when he went outside for a pee.

Yes, Amex was ready for the competition and was proud to be a part of it all. It was something that united the dogs of Australia and raised awareness about the sport and the great fun that dogs and owners can have together.

Back home at Brutus’s House

Brutus had shown his ‘Good Boy Collar Award’ to Rocky who although he had called Brutus a ‘Girls blouse’ for wearing such a posh collar, Rocky was secretly jealous that he hadn’t got anything.

I did actually remind Rocky that Fran Forbes from QLD had bought him a Julie Gillard doll and Brutus a second Tony Abbott doll but Rocky still maintained he deserved a Good Boy Award even though he hasn’t always been a good boy if you know what I mean.

Rocky and his Julia Gillard doll that Fran Forbes bought him

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘So, how fast did you go today Turd Legs?’ Rocky asked Brutus later that night.

‘Don’t know really but I had great fun’ Brutus replied simply. Curled up on the sofa with Gordon the cat, Brutus was exhausted after his day.

Rocky looked thoughtful and barked ‘Yep and that’s what counts’

‘Here Brutus, tell me about your Good Boy Collar Award again’ Gordon asked. Being an indoor cat he loved hearing about their stories.

Brutus winning his race (in his dreams of course)

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

But Gordon never did get to hear about it because when he glanced round to Brutus, he saw that he was fast asleep with his legs twitching. No doubt dreaming about ‘winning his own race’ – which in my book, he does so well.

Until next time……..

Acknowledgements and Thanks The Australian Lure Coursing Association

Thank you to the Australian Lure Coursing Association for their promotion of the sport in Australia at a National level and for overseeing that it is run fairly, appropriately and to a high standard.

Sandra Burrows and the team put in a huge amount of work to get the results of the Fastest Dog contest out to us, it is no small job either so thank you Sandra for all your hard work in doing this, we do appreciate it .

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1399559963621860/?fref=ts

West Coast Dog Sports

Thank you to Dee Cole and all of the team at West Coast Dog Sports for their hard work in organising their heats for the Fastest Dog in Australia competition and for the lure coursing events in general that give our dogs the chance to compete in the sport.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/242717789174231/?fref=ts

Amy Joy from Studio Joy

Thank you to Amy Joy for kindly allowing me to use her photographs for my blog to bring it to life. Amy is available to take stunning photographs your animals at very reasonable prices and If you would like a photo shoot with her then please contact her directly:

Amy Joy tel: 0430 549 346

https://www.facebook.com/PhotographyStudioJoy?fref=ts

A special thank you from Brutus

Thank you to Dee Cole, Denise Pringle and everyone at the Italian Greyhound Club of Western Australia and Kim Cross for Brutus’s Good Boy Collar. He will be saving it for evening wear and lure coursing.

If any of you would like a ‘Good Boy Collar’ for your own dog, please contact Dee Cole at the Canine Company:

https://www.facebook.com/thecaninecompanywa?fref=ts

Disclaimer:

No offence is intended by this story and I just write things down as they come in to my head. Whilst some (not all) of the dogs in my stories are in fact real, the dialogue that I give them is invented and any bearing or resemblance to the real dogs is purely coincidental and is in good fun and from my imagination only.

And if my husband is reading this and you suddenly find a tuxedo in Brutus’s wardrobe, you can blame Lexie as she got me started on all this and said that Brutus needed formal wear and as for the Hells Angels cap – I am saying nothing.

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright April 2015

Watermarked photographs remain the sole copyright of Studio Joy and unmarked photographs remain the copyright of myself.

The Night Before Lure Coursing – March 2015

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Samantha Rose

Pippin Pringle – The Organiser

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

At the Pringle Headquarters

You all know the drill – it was the night before lure coursing and Pippin Pringle was doing his usual organising of what was to be expected on the biggest night of all self respecting lure coursers agenda’

‘No Bronte, you cannot possibly wear that dress as it is far too short!’ Pippin said firmly to his sister Bronte who was wearing a dress so short that you could see her knickers (had she been wearing them).

Bronte

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

Straining to look at her bottom in the mirror, Bronte gave a haughty to look Pippin and then carried on admiring her bum causing Pippin to roll his eyes impatiently. He had so much to do before tomorrow, things like make lists and stuff and organising the Iggy meeting where no doubt Rocco, Bentley, Fat Harry and the gang would cause a scene of some sort involving Rocco’s invisible friends to fight with.

(Pippin’s phone rings)

‘Hello, Pippin Pringle here’ Pippin said in his posh voice that he does so well, you know a ‘telephone voice’ that we all adopt when we answer our phone in the hope that someone says ‘Aren’t you posh’.

‘What did you say? James? Are you sure?, Well this changes everything – no, don’t worry, I shall tell them tomorrow’. Pippin said quietly while staring at Bronte who without a care in the world was now kissing her own reflection in the mirror and telling herself how hot she was.

‘What’s up bro?’ Bronte giggled to Pippin and just as she was about to give her brother a playful poke, she saw his face and thought better of it.

‘James the mini wired Dachshund tragically crossed over to Rainbow Bridge – I have only just been notified’ Pippin said sadly. Being ‘The Organiser’ of his little group, it was down to him to break the news.

‘James has gone over to Rainbow Bridge? Are you sure?’ Bronte’s voice faltered as she fought to stop herself from crying.

That was the thing you see, when any of their lure coursing pals went over to Rainbow Bridge it was always sad, well not for the dogs that have crossed over because Rainbow Bridge is a lovely place but sad for the loved ones that have been left behind to miss them and mourn their empty bed.

‘Yes I am afraid so, a feisty little dog as well who will no doubt be keeping them on their toes up there but it does mean that Kim and Ian his parents will need special hugs and dog licks tomorrow at lure coursing’ said Pippin firmly.

‘If Brutus and Vader lick them then that will be more of a bath than a lick don’t you think?’ Bronte asked Pippin who looked somewhat alarmed at the suggestion because it was so accurate.

‘Yes, but she does have Eugene and the rest of the ‘Cloth dogs’ (Afghans) and remember when one escaped the barrier at lure coursing and rolled in horse shit? Well I am sure they are ‘hard core’ and familiar with all things like that’ Pippin barked his response.

‘What do we do Pippin? You always know what to do, What do we do?’ Bronte asked her brother.

‘That is easy Bronte, we race for a reason and tomorrow’s reason is James’ Pippin said confidently.

These dogs do not often race for a reason, in fact the last time they raced for a reason was for a beautiful staffie so this time they will be doing it for James.

Race for a reason – James the mini wired Dachshund

(Photography by Kim Ian Cross)

Because racing for a reason means that each dog is released to catch the lure and their purpose is to celebrate the canine friend that has crossed to Rainbow Bridge to honour them.

Brutus’s House

Brutus – the energetic lure courser with his new Julia Gillard doll

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

‘What does wait and see mean?’ Brutus sobbed loudly to me as I tried to ignore his pleading eyes.

‘It means providing that you can keep your dinner down and stop farting like a shit machine, that you can go to lure coursing tomorrow’ I replied.

Brutus being Brutus had eaten some kind of crap in the garden and having a sensitive stomach, it had inflamed his tummy and caused him to vomit up the copious amounts of grass that he had eaten and also fart like a guffing truck.

Totally refusing all food, he was also accusing his own bottom of assaulting him because he farted so loudly that he stared at his anus for a bit and then went ‘full Pringle’ and burst into tears.

*Full Pringle is to do what Pippin does when he can’t get his own way and that is to burst in to tears*

‘But I want to go to lure coursing with Vader!’ Brutus broke out into noisy sobs which of course put pressure on his stomach and he farted in between each word.

‘Let’s see how you go Brutus’ I tried to sooth him but it was no good, he had got into more states than Australia and was now walking around the living room with Rocky’s gingerbread man tightly gripped in his mouth as he tried to plonk the soggy wet toy on both my husband and myself to try and prove a point.

‘You are such a girl’ Rocky sneered, secretly jealous that Brutus got to go lure coursing and he didn’t.

Rocky on holiday on the farm in Denmark

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

Brutus walked aimlessly around the living room for a few minutes, contemplating that his entire world would end if he could not go lure coursing.

Already deciding he would go on a hunger strike once his appetite came back, he would also do a dirty protest and crap on the floor like prisoners did in their cells. But hold on a minute, Brutus has done dirty protests before so let’s not go there.

Planet Iggy – Zara and Nica’s house

‘I am so excited I might be sick’ Zara squealed happily. It was to be her first lure coursing event and she had already packed some cycling shorts and several hats.

‘Nica, what are you trying to do?’ Zara asked her sister who had her back facing her.

‘I am practising my vomiting techniques for when people ignore me and thought that if I made more noises when vomiting, then I could also throw in a fainting episode’ Nica growled.

Raising her eyebrows, Zara grinned ‘That should work but it might be better to pretend that you are lame as well’.

Nica who SO did not ‘do’ lame, looked horrified, ‘I shall stick to what I do best and that is vomiting’.

‘Your loss but I think it would be far better if you had a walking stick as well’ Zara shrugged her shoulders.

‘What would you know, you are only a puppy’ Nica snapped and then did the new vomiting sound that she had perfected that made her sound like Kylie Minogue on helium.

Vader and Tess’s house

Vader – tongue firmly inside mouth (for now)

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

Lure coursing was very nearly a non-event for Vader when he had a bit of an accident involving a tongue and a tuna can and as you all know, he has a substantial tongue to have an incident with and he is still very embarrassed about it.

I cannot go in to too much detail other than that he ran up to Lexie shouting ‘Mum! My tongue, save my tongue!’ in a special lick-the-kennel-windows kind of way, except that he couldn’t lick the windows because his tongue was too busy being tangled in the open lid of the tuna can.

‘Oh Vader what have you done’ Lexie sighed. Honestly this boy was at the vets far too often for her liking.

‘My tongue is caught’ Vader sobbed as Lexie spotted his tongue caught in the tuna lid and yes, there was a fair amount of blood to go with it.

Saving Vader and his tongue and freeing him from the tuna can, Lexie gave him first aid and sent to his bed to feel very sorry for himself while Tess laughed at him and made jokes about his tongue now being served in cans in the supermarket.

Fast forward to now and Vader is fit and well for lure coursing and has been making himself ‘match fit’ by doing squats and press ups in the garden and also jogging round in circles.

‘Can you please stop, I am so tired’ Tess sighed as Vader managed to do one sit-up and then insist on a rest.

‘I can’t stop, I am racing tomorrow’ Vader puffed and then managed another sit-up before falling over and lying on his back forcing him to admire the cloud formation in the sky.

‘I can’t wait to see Brutus’ Vader said happily.

‘You two are such girls’ Tess laughed, ‘I am going in to lie on my bed’ and with that she shuffled off like an old lady towards the house.

‘Brutus, are you there?’ Vader shouted at the fence.

(sounds of fence snuffling)

‘Yes, I am here! Are you excited for tomorrow?’ Brutus barked excitedly.

‘Yes, so excited and I am doing vigorous exercises in the garden and have a body like a finely toned greyhound’ Vader said hopefully.

Trying to imagine Vader with a body like Mouse Norris, Brutus felt a bit nervous as he was not match-fit and had been rough housing with Rocky in the garden but that was about it really, aside from walks on the farm in Denmark on holiday a couple of weeks ago.

‘I am going to get the Good Boy Award tomorrow I am sure’ Brutus said to Vader.

The only two dogs I might add that actually believe The Good Boy Award exists are Vader and Brutus and every race meet, Brutus believes that the crowds are there to see him and if they cheer him on, he truly thinks that he has won The Good Boy Award.

And the only dog that really believes that Brutus has won it, is Vader who passionately supports his good friend and when Brutus thinks he has won it, Vader happily cries along side him because he is so happy for him.

‘You have won The Good Boy Award? Really?’ Vader barked and then mentally started to imagine the scene on the day so that he could cry for him.

‘Yes but I have had a bad tummy for eating stuff in the garden and Mum has said I have to be normal better by tonight or I can’t go’ Brutus said to Vader.

‘But you have to go, if they don’t let you then go on a hunger strike’ Vader growled to him.

‘I am already on one of those but I did manage some dog biscuit and tried to steal Mum’s lamb and veggies so I think I am feeling better’ Brutus sighed.

‘Good lad, right I had better go as Mum is calling me to lie on the sofa with her and Dad for a belly rub’ lied Vader who I might add really was lying because I know his Dad would not do that but it was enough to make Brutus jealous.

‘See you tomorrow!’ Brutus barked at Vader and then ran off towards the door and demanded to be let in.

‘Mum, Vader is going on his sofa for a belly rub, can I get on the sofa for a belly rub?’ Brutus insisted hopefully.

Letting him inside the house, Brutus jumped on the sofa and then displayed his belly for me to rub it. Only he is so big there was nowhere for me to sit so I relented and let him have the whole sofa and then moved to the chair that I am sitting in now so I could write this story.

‘Mum?’ Brutus asked me.

‘Yes Brutus?’

‘I have been told that I have won The Good Boy Award tomorrow’ Brutus said proudly.

Rocky did not even look up as he was used to this routine of The Good Boy Award now and knew it didn’t actually exist and to correct Brutus would break his heart.

‘You are a good boy Brutus’ I laughed at him.

‘I like The Good Boy Award, it makes me feel like Rumble the cop dog’ Brutus growled.

Rumble the cop dog is Brutus’s hero and Brutus has convinced himself that one day he too will be a cop dog just like Rumble which is probably why he thinks he has won a Good Boy Award each month at lure coursing, just so he can big up his ego.

‘Mum?’ Brutus asked again.

‘Yes Brutus’

‘I hope I can remember how to run’ Brutus said sounding a bit worried.

Remembering how he crashed through the barriers because he couldn’t turn corners, I replied ‘So do I Brutus, so do I’.

Rainbow Bridge

For the benefit of those that do not know about Rainbow Bridge – feel free to read a blog post I did on it last year.

https://jotitmedown.wordpress.com/2014/03/19/rainbow-bridge-just-a-nice-place-for-any-pet-to-go/

James the mini wire haired Dachshund sat comfortably from his chair at Rainbow Bridge and stared down at his parents Kim and Ian as they prepared their dogs for lure coursing tomorrow.

He felt somewhat sad that he wouldn’t be there to greet them when they got back but he also knew that they were OK about it, after all every dog that goes to Rainbow Bridge lives the life of a strong and healthy dog and isn’t that what counts?

‘How do you reckon our lot will do?’ Bowie the white greyhound asked James.

‘Probably jump the barrier and roll in horse shit like they normally do’ James grinned.

‘Bowie, is farting still allowed in Rainbow Bridge?’ James asked Bowie. Still being unsure of the rules, he thought it best to ask.

‘Farting?’ Bowie laughed and then added ‘Yep, louder the better and you won’t get told off for it either’.

‘Great’ James barked and then let out such a loud fart that several dogs stopped chasing butterflies and clapped in appreciation.

Rainbow Bridge – the rules are that there are no rules aside from laughter and that of course, is mandatory.

Until next time…

Dedicated to James – the mini wire haired Dachshund who is now bossing everyone around at Rainbow Bridge and farting with the best of them.

Toppa goes to QLD

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Samantha Rose

22Toppa the Iggy strikes a pose

(Photograph by Fran Forbes)

The day had arrived for Toppa to fly to QLD to stay with Fran and her Iggies – Shine, Gracie and Amex and show Fran what he could do in the show ring.

For those of you that have not read the first installment of this story, here is the link if you fancied reading it.

https://jotitmedown.wordpress.com/2015/01/10/toppa-the-italian-greyhound-goes-to-qld/

Pippin and Bronte were round Toppa’s house to see him on his way and Pippin was doing the organizing and finalizing of the finer details.

‘Are you bags packed? Do you have your passport? Have you packed a clean collar?’ Pippin asked Toppa.

‘Yes, I have checked my bags three times, I think everything is there – I am a bit nervous though and I have a clean collar’ Toppa said fretfully.

‘Is your bum clean?’ Pippin demanded.

Toppa glanced round to his bum and had a brief check before replying ‘Yes, I believe so and my anal glands are empty’.

‘Good, because we don’t want the QLD dogs thinking we have dirty bottoms’ Pippin growled.

Pippin was in his element checking and organizing everything. He had 4 mobile phones, an iPad, a notepad and a pen plus a packet of Schmackos to chew on for his nerves.

Bronte was looking boot-faced because she was not invited and we won’t even go into how upset Brutus and Vader were that that the invite had not extended to them because they had totally convinced themselves that they were also going on this little trip.

Brutus and Vader the boxer wanting in on the trip to QLD

(Photograph by Samantha Rose)

‘I have heard that you will have to wear a muzzle in QLD and that the cane toads are so big that they can carry you off to their homes and feed you to their families and everything’ Bronte said without looking up as she admired her nails.

‘Bronte – Toppa will not have to wear a muzzle and no, the cane toads do not kidnap dogs and feed them to their families and if you can’t say anything helpful then say nothing’ Pippin growled back firmly.

Doing a last minute document check, Pippin nodded towards Toppa. This was it, the moment they had all been waiting for – Toppa going to represent the WA Iggies in QLD to help Fran Forbes in the dog show ring. It was not just good news, it was positively exciting for all concerned and the QLD Iggies were also looking forward to meeting Toppa as well.

‘Right then my good man, are you ready?’ Pippin said in his best ‘BBC English’ type voice, took a deep breath and straightened Toppa’s collar as a last minute tidy-up and then put some saliva on his paw to wipe some dirt off Toppa’s face (the way your mother did to you when you were a child).

‘Yep, I think so – that’s it then, I shall call you from the other side’ Toppa said sounding far braver than he actually felt. He wasn’t really a brave boy at all but he was determined to show Fran how what a handsome show dog he is and do his best in the show ring in QLD which incidentally; Brutus had convinced him was officially known as ‘The land of the banana, cane toad and Bindi Irwin’.

‘Brutus said that there are more bananas than people there and that they don’t speak English, is that so?’ Toppa whispered to Pippin who rolled his eyes and made a mental note to tell Brutus off next time he saw him.

‘Ignore what Brutus and Vader tell you, they are the ones that believed their muscles were called rifles and pistols instead of guns so the less you believe from them the better’ Pippin replied.

‘I’ll miss you Toppa, will you bring me back a present?’ Bronte said hopefully.

‘I’ll try and I will miss you too’ Toppa said as he hugged her.

‘Safe flight’ Pippin grinned and say hello to Fran, Shine, Gracie and Amex for me’.

Toppa was carefully loaded into his airline crate and placed in the car to go to Perth airport where he was to take his flight to QLD and he didn’t mind admitting that he was more than a bit nervous about the whole adventure.

‘Do you think he will be OK?’ Bronte asked Pippin.

‘Yep of course he will, he is going to be ace!’ Pippin said confidently.

‘Ace? What does that mean? Who taught you that word?’ Bronte demanded to know. She had never heard that word used before except in the show ring.

‘Ace? Oh all the dogs in the North of England use it, Brutus told me’ Pippin said firmly.

‘You told me never to believe what Brutus says’ Bronte replied, ‘And how would he know what they say in England when he has never been?’

‘He told me he has seen the photos and everything, don’t ask such daft questions Bronte’ Pippin said dismissively and then grabbed one of his phones and sent a text to the entire Iggy group saying ‘The Eagle has taken off’.

And the last Pippin and Bronte saw of Toppa was him waving frantically from his cage as the doors to the van were shut.

Bronte hung her head down, she hated it when one of the Iggy gang left to go anywhere and QLD was so far away.

‘It’s OK Bronte, he will do us proud – now let’s go back inside and if you behave yourself I will share with you my Schmackos’ Pippin said affectionately to his sister who managed a grateful smile and wag of the tail.

On the plane a while after take off

Toppa – flying high to QLD

(Photograph by Jeni Sach)

It was one hour after take-off and Toppa was in his cage in the hold of the plane in the special area that the animals go in to. Humans don’t go in there and have no idea as to what goes on and I only know because I am a bit special like that and have an imagination as fertile as a female guinea pig.

‘Hello Toppa, would you like a drink sir?’ A beautiful blue whippet bitch stewardess stood next to Toppa holding a bowl of chilled water.

‘Hmm, no thank you – if it is all the same with you I am going to try and sleep’ Toppa said nervously. He wasn’t sure what to do and through sheer nerves, he farted. The whippet wrinkled her nose in disgust but quickly regained composure and pretended to not smell the horrible gas that was indicative of Toppa going on a bin raiding session the night before.

‘If you need anything please don’t hesitate to contact me and if you need the toilet – it is over there’ The whippet said pointedly while cupping her beautiful grey snout and staring at the toilet.

‘Thank you, perhaps later’. Toppa smiled and then shut his eyes to try and sleep, which he would have done quite happily had it not been for a couple of Schnauzer puppies arguing over a Kong toy and who was going to take a piss on the bedding in the cage.

Just as he was about to drift off he felt someone kicking the back of his cage, glancing round he could see a beautifully hand stripped Irish terrier wearing a neckerchief with the Irish flag on it.

‘Excuse me do you mind not doing that?’ Toppa asked politely.

‘Oh would you listen to that Aussie accent, I love the Aussie accent. Will you not be so boring and talk to me, I am flying to QLD as well you know – I am going to be a show dog’ The Irish terrier said in a cheerful Irish accent.

Toppa glared back, who was this dog with the strange wired coat, neatly clipped furnishings on its feet and an angry beard and why was his snout not as refined as an Iggies or whippets/greyhounds? As for being a show dog, would that mean he would be at the same shows as Toppa, surely not?

‘The name is Ronan and I am from Ballybunion in Ireland’ The terrier said in a high pitched ‘sing-song’ voice. (I think the Southern Irish accent is my most favourite accent ever)

‘The name is Toppa and I am from Perth’ Toppa grinned, ‘Ballybunion? Did you just make that up?’ he added and then laughed mercilessly as the Irish terrier looked positively furious at such an accusation.

‘No I did not make it up, it is a real place I’ll have you know’ He snapped back at Toppa who was already making notes to ask Pippin if it really existed

(Actually it does exist because my good friend Joe from my veterinary nursing days lived there).

‘Would you like me to tell you some jokes, I have some good jokes from my Daddy – he is a top prize winning Irish terrier you know’ Ronan said happily, and he was happy as well as there was nothing nicer than meeting someone on the plane and making friends with them.

‘I am rather tired if you don’t mind’ Toppa sighed and then closed his eyes. He couldn’t wait to see Fran and meet the other Iggies and then report back to Pippin and he had grand plans to display his ‘walnuts’ (testicles) to Gracie and show her his ‘Magic Mike’ impressions that Brutus had taught him. (Brutus had a lot to answer for).

‘Did I ever tell you about my brother Justin, he was a Crufts champion you know and he liked a bowl of beer every week or he would simply not perform. That is the truth you know’ Ronan said quickly without drawing for breath and adding ‘you know’ to each sentence while managing to sound like Mrs Brown from the show ‘Mrs Browns Boys’.

‘He was a right fecker though you know and he would take a shit on my bed, did you ever take a shit on someone’s bed? I took a shit on my human sisters bed and my mother rubbed my snout in it, I was picking shite out of my beard for weeks afterwards’.

But that little story was lost on Toppa because the little Iggy had fallen asleep in his crate and was now dreaming of QLD, Fran and her gang and winning all the prizes in the show ring.

‘Oh he is such a dote, don’t you just love him?’ Ronan said to the whippet stewardess who had come to check on them.

‘I think he is asleep Ronan, best you leave him be’ The whippet smiled at the Irish Terrier who was quivering with excitement at the idea of having a new friend.

‘Well he is not very talkative but I think we are going to be great friends’ Ronan said to nobody in particular as the whippet had walked off and was using her pointy snout to do a head count as she nodded from left to write to make a note of who was sat where.

‘Would you like a Schmacko?’ Ronan asked a loudly snoring Toppa.

‘Perhaps not’ Ronan sighed and looked around for someone else to talk to and seeing that everyone else was fast asleep, he began to talk to his invisible friend about the time that his Aunty Coshene the Irish terrier had bitten the ankles of the milkman and pissed on his legs.

Welcome to QLD

‘Thank you for flying with us, hope to see you soon’ The whippet stewardess said in robotic fashion to each animal that was offloaded from the plane onto the tarmac.

Toppa was first off the plane and never got to see the Irish terrier, not that he cared really as he was so hyped up about meeting Fran, he had heard that she was really strict and Amex had said that Fran would not take any nonsense so Toppa was a bit scared really because Jeni (his Mum) and all the other Iggy Mums had all spoilt him at some point.

Most Iggies have ‘nonsense’ down to a fine art and have their humans so well trained that the humans don’t even know when ‘nonsense’ has crept up on them. But the rumors in QLD were as such that Fran wore a ‘no nonsense suit of Armour’ when it came to her Iggies.

(However, let us not talk about the prawns, smoked trout or sleeping on the bed which has since come to light since Toppa has been there, I am sure Fran can explain it all).

As Toppa was wheeled to the animal collection area he was greeted by Fran who looked absurdly pleased to meet him which was very nice and although Toppa scrutinised her, he could see no evidence of the ‘No Nonsense’ suit of armour he was told about.

She did have a funny accent though which Toppa later learned was a QLD accent but he was relieved to know that despite Rocco and Bentley trying to convince him otherwise, Fran did speak English as did all QLDers and there were no cane toads waiting for him in ‘Arrivals’ to eat him like Brutus had said there would be.

Toppa sat in his crate at the back of the car back for the journey to Frans house and took in the sights, sounds and smells as they left the airport. This was to be his home for a while and he had to do his Mum proud not to mention show Fran what a good boy he is in the show ring.

But first he had to do the most important thing and that was to update his FB status to tell Pippin and the gang that he was OK.

Grabbing his mobile phone Toppa typed in the status update and the message was simple ‘The Eagle has landed’.

Back in Perth

Pippin’s phone bleeped, he did not hear it initially as he was snoozing but Bronte gave him a nip on the bum which woke him up.

‘What’s up?’ Pippin asked sleepily.

‘Your phone, it bleeped – I think it is from Facebook’ Bronte said and nodded towards his phone.

Pippin saw the message come through and grinned. ‘Toppa has done his FB status update, he said that he is in QLD, that’s good he has got there safe and sound’.

Going over to his laptop, Pippin added to the status update ‘Remember to keep your bum clean and your walnuts tidy’ Pippin wrote back.

And within minutes some of the other Iggies had all responded to add their congratulations to the status including Brutus who posted something about not knowing any eagles and he thought that it was Toppa that had gone to QLD.

At Fran’s House in QLD

The first thing that Toppa noticed when he arrived was how beautiful the place was. Fran’s garden looked beautiful and like a treasure trove fit for any Iggy, lots of places to hide, plants to dig, room to run – he was going to love it there, he was sure of it.

Gracie introduces herself to Toppa

(Photograph by Fran Forbes)

‘How are you going, the name is Gracie, I have heard lots about you’ Gracie the Iggy introduced herself to Toppa in her strong QLD accent.

‘My name is Toppa and I am pleased to meet you’ Toppa stuttered nervously and then remembered this was the girl he was meant to be impressing with his testicles (walnuts) and doing Magic Mike impressions for.

‘You must be tired after your trip, allow me to show you round the garden and you can meet Shine and Amex’ Gracie smiled at Toppa.

Toppa suddenly felt homesick and a bit disorientated, he wanted his Mum, he felt lost and out of his depth and was sure he would never be able to converse with this confident little Iggy who was so proud of her home and family, let alone impress her with his testicles.

As Gracie led him to where Shine and Amex were standing, Toppa nodded politely as the two Iggies greeted him warmly.

‘Welcome to our home, hope you are not too tired as we shall be having a delicious feed later’ Amex said cheerfully to Toppa.

‘But I have heard that your Mum doesn’t spoil dogs?’ Toppa asked looking bewildered.

Shine snorted with laughter, Gracie giggled and Amex said firmly, ‘That my dear, is what we lead people to believe but you shall find out the truth later’.

Toppa did not need to wait long for the truth to come out either because not much later, the ‘truth’ involved smoked trout, prawns and power naps on Fran’s bed and as for cuddles and kisses – Toppa was positively overdosed on them and all worries of homesickness had gone as Fran loved him as one of her own.

Later that night

The three Iggies were curled up on the bed discussing the events of the day.

‘Do you think you will like it here Toppa?’ Amex asked him.

Toppa looked thoughtful, although he missed his Mum and all of his friends – even Brutus despite all the stories he had told him about cane toads and Bindi Irwin, he just knew he was going to like it in QLD and he also knew that he was going to love living with Fran and showing her about dog shows.

‘Yes, I think I will like it here and I especially love Fran’s version of ‘no nonsense’ Toppa replied.

Amex and Shine burst out laughing.

‘Yes but don’t you tell those WA Iggies, we have a reputation to keep up’ Amex barked in between snorts of laughter.

‘Goodnight, see you in the morning’ Toppa said to the others.

‘Goodnight Toppa, good to have you here’ Shine smiled.

What would tomorrow bring? Who knows, but Toppa was ready for it and his time in QLD was his for the taking – he could do with it what he wanted and not a day would be wasted either.

And within a few minutes, Toppa and the other Iggies had fallen asleep to dream about smoked trout, prawns and Fran’s bed.

Amex, Shine and Toppa

(Photograph by Fran Forbes)

To be continued…..

Brutus, Vader, Guns (and rifles)

Posted on February 7, 2015 by Samantha Rose

Vader the boxer – confused about canine weaponry

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

The other day Brutus and Vader were in the courts together playing. Brutus was doing his usual twenty laps of the court to check out the ridgeback/cattledog bitch that was trotting on the other side of the courts.

Brutus (left) Vader (right) – ‘special’ in every way

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

He (Brutus) has started to beef himself up a bit and puff himself out when he wants to impress the girls and if you can imagine a young man slapping on aftershave and suddenly taking a huge interest in his appearance, then you can imagine Brutus.

Vader admires Brutus’s muscles

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Vader was looking at Brutus, totally fixated on the large brown dog; Vader kept looking at his own body and feeling parts of it and then looking back at Brutus.

Brutus was unaware that Vader was staring at him and he kept winking at the ridgie bitch and asking her if he could have her phone number.

‘Call me’ Brutus mouthed and did the typical phone gesture with his paws, the ridgie bitch giggled and blushed furiously in response.

‘Brutus, what is that on your back and on your shoulders?’ Vader asked him.

‘What is what?’ Brutus replied and then strained his head to have a look at what Vader was trying to tell him.

‘That!’ Vader said and then wiped his snotty face on Brutus’s back to show him what he meant – the muscle pads on Brutus’s shoulders/arms.

‘Oh, that, they are my rifles’ Brutus replied knowingly.

‘Rifles?’ Vader spluttered, ‘What the fuck are rifles and how did you get rifles on your back’

‘It is what young men and dogs build up on their bodies when they mature’ Brutus growled in a superior voice, he liked knowing stuff that Vader didn’t.

‘Rifles? Are you sure? Why don’t I have rifles? Brutus, do I have rifles?’ Vader demanded and then promptly burst into tears and wailed to Lexie ‘Mum, where are my rifles?’.

He became so upset that he was drooling in festoons from his mouth and almost shit himself in the courts which would have been a disaster.

‘Every dog should have rifles on their back’ Brutus tried to placate Vader but Vader just got worse.

‘Mum, haven’t I got rifles on my back?’ Brutus ran up to me for reassurance, his huge brown eyes stared at me, silently demanding a confirmation about his ‘rifles’.

‘What did you say?’ I asked him, trying not to laugh.

‘I have rifles on my back and Vader doesn’t and now he is upset’ Brutus stuttered and then like any kid that has overdone it on defending himself, also burst into tears.

‘Brutus, that thing on your back and shoulders is known as muscle and all adult male dogs will develop it, some more than others and the term for it is not ‘rifles’ it is ‘guns’, who on earth told you it was called Rifles?’ I demanded to know, while trying not to snort with laughter.

Meanwhile Lexie was trying to reassure Vader that he had his own ‘guns’ and not ‘rifles’ but Vader was beyond comforting and was now a fully fledged boxer snot-monster.

‘I am never going to be normal unless I get rifles’ Vader howled before adding ‘I need to go for a poo’

So there was Vader with his anus winking like a pervert in a panty shop, Brutus was now crying that he didn’t have ‘rifles’ and now had ‘guns’ and I was wondering who the hell had started all of this.

Both boys had to stand next to each other while we explained about how muscles (guns) could look different on each dog and Vader had his own set of guns that were a bit more hidden than Brutus’s.

Anyway, after that we decided to go home and the boys said goodbye to each other.

‘See you later Vader’ Brutus said quietly.

‘Catch you later Brutus, we shall have to sort this out so we know what we have on our back if it is rifles or guns’ Vader cried and that was the last I saw of him as his big fat winking anus disappeared behind his door to no doubt treat his garden to a ‘man-shit’ later on.

‘How was your walk Turd Legs?’ Rocky grinned at Brutus when we got inside the house.

Rocky lied to Brutus about his ‘rifles’

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘It was OK but Vader is upset as he doesn’t have rifles like me and then Mum said I don’t have rifles and I have guns, so I don’t know anything any more, it is all so confusing’ Brutus said fretfully.

Rocky snorted with laughter ‘You SO did not believe me about the rifles, really you believed me? Oh my god I am going to tell everyone!’

‘Rocky, did you tell him his guns were called rifles?’ I snapped at the little black kelpie dog who was laughing so hard that he almost wet himself.

Gordon finds Brutus’s gullibility so very funny

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Rifles?’ Gordon cried, ‘Oh Rocky you didn’t, now that is funny’.

‘Pretty good isn’t it, I didn’t think he would believe me but he did’ Rocky smirked.

Poor old Brutus, it took some living down for that little episode and he still gets embarrassed about the fact that he asked the ridgie bitch in the park if she would like to ‘tickle his rifles’.

Brutus is dreaming about his ‘rifles’

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

This morning the boys were in the garden when Vader was at the fence trying to get Brutus’s attention.

‘Oi, Brutus – come here – I have some news for you’ Vader said with a mouth full of his tongue.

‘What’s up Vader?’ Brutus barked.

‘Wanna see the pistols on my back?’ Vader said teasingly.

‘Pistols?’ Brutus replied and then looked at Rocky while mouthing the word ‘Pistols?’

Rocky laughed and picked up his tennis ball and muttered ‘nice one Tess’.

‘Yeah, Tess said that I have pistols on my back’ Vader snotted back through the fence.

‘Told you he would believe me Rocky’ Tess shouted through the fence to Rocky.

‘Window lickers – the pair of them’ Rocky barked at Tess who giggled back at him.

Tess – loves teasing her brother Vader

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Guns, pistols or rifles – I don’t know what we are meant to have’ Vader growled to Brutus through the fence.

But Brutus had already gone back inside and was busy on my laptop trying to Google about weapons and the modern day dog.

‘Mum?’ Brutus barked.

‘Yes Brutus?’ I replied while trying to make a coffee, he always disturbs me when I am making coffee.

‘What’s a shot gun?’ said Brutus.

(deep sigh)

‘Brutus, I think we need to talk……..’

Brutus – so many questions

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

The End

Italian Greyhounds and Nail Trimming (leg amputation)

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Samantha Rose

Pippin Pringle knows the horrors of nail clipping

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Anyone that owns an Italian greyhound will testify that they are not the bravest of dogs and the most seemingly simple of things for any other dog, is a fate worse than death for an Iggy.

They will also tell you that there is nothing and I emphasize that word ‘NOTHING’ worse than the Iggy scream of death which is often performed during routine stuff such as expressing of anal glands, general restraint, being bitten by an insect and of course trimming the nails.

This scream of death can be heard in the next suburb and some say, in the neighbouring States of Australia but that is just a rumour which was actually started by Amex the QLD Iggy who claimed to have heard the screams of Nica one day.

Any activity that has resulted in the Iggy scream of death is usually followed up by accusing looks, long guilt trips and the classic hurt gaze of an Iggy where they stare at you with bulging eyes that almost look as though they have tears in them.

This blog entry is dedicated to Zara and Nica – two beautiful Italian greyhounds that are characters in my stories and owned by two lovely ladies that are the epitome of ‘coolness’ and look exceptionally trendy just by their presence so it is no surprise that their Iggies are cool as well.

Francesca and Zara – part of the cool gang

(Photograph by Denise Pringle)

At Lexie the Dog Groomers House

Zara and Nica were due at Lexie’s this morning for a quick nail trim. Now please understand that when I say ‘nail trim’, in Iggy terms it roughly translates to having all four legs removed in the most brutal fashion and it jolly well sounds like it too.

Well today I was to witness it for myself as I was round Lexie’s to organise our afternoon play session with Brutus and Vader so I can totally vouch just how traumatic it is for Iggies to have their nails (legs) cut.

Their Mums pulled up in the tiny little car which is really an Iggy car and tiny like the Iggies but full of attitude and fun.

Zara who is a cheeky young pup and in my stories she wears one of those special helmets to stop her bumping into things and hurting herself – just imagine a tiny Iggy with a huge bobble head wearing a crash helmet and you will get the idea.

She was so full of beans and speaking in her super fast voice that goes up several octaves at the end.

‘Hi everyone, how are you all, we had such fun, we had breakfast, we played in the garden, I went for a turd, Nica vomited for attention, everything happened, how are you all?’ Zara said without drawing breath and totally forgetting why she was at Lexie’s.

‘Oh god, please don’t cut my legs off, don’t kill me, I need my legs!’ Nica sobbed dramatically into her handkerchief. Why she had started crying so soon was beyond me, she wasn’t even in the salon.

It was decided that Zara had to be done first so she would not be alarmed by Nica’s dying dog routine.

Nica was already looking distraught at the thought of her sisters legs being amputated and had started the warning system to try to ‘save her’ from the dog groomer.

‘Zara, call the police, if they cut your legs off tell the police, tell them that you need your legs!’ Nica shouted after Zara who was wearing her special helmet to stop her bouncing into things and hurting herself.

‘I will be OK Nica, I can do this!’ Zara said with a fake confidence which came from wearing her tough-girl harness.

‘I can do this, I can do this, who needs legs anyway, they are so overrated’ Zara said quickly in between making whimpering noises. ‘Where is Brutus, I demand to see Brutus, I know he is here somewhere!’ Zara shouted.

Brutus had been there twenty minutes before but I never told her that but as she has met Brutus before, she has decided that she quite likes him.

‘Oh my god, was that my leg? You chopped my leg off! Nica was right all along!’ Zara cried, ‘I am SO going to report you!’ Bashing her special helmet around as her head wriggled around like a bobble head.

‘That’s you done’ Lexie the dog groomer told Zara and carried her out to her parents.

‘I did it, I fought them and I won and I still have my legs, it didn’t hurt and I was a brave girl and everything!’ Zara reassured Nica who was having none of it as Zara was still trembling at being assaulted by the nail clippers which was a dead giveaway that she wasn’t as brave as she was making out.

Handing Zara over to her parents, a quick swap was done in return for Nica who was announcing to anyone that would listen and everyone that wouldn’t.

‘I have done my Last Will and Testament, I leave everything I own to Zara, including my collar selection, I leave my iPad to Pippin because he loves iPads and I leave anything I vomit to Brutus’ Nica howled.

‘And if I should survive this ordeal, I have ordered myself a wheelchair for when I am disabled and Brutus can push me around in it and I shall need a specially adapted house for disabled dogs plus a tartan blanket to cover my knees’ Nica said firmly as Lexie carried her inside the salon.

‘I love you all, never forget that and I hope you can love me too, even when all of my legs have been amputated in the guise of a nail clip’ Nica squeaked as Lexie shut the salon door so all Zara could see was Inca’s mouth opening and closing like two biro pens clicking together.

‘Love you Nica and I will love you with no legs as well’ Zara barked and then decided that she too had better check all of her legs were there and not amputated along with her nails. ‘Oh my god help me! That hurt!’ Nica squealed.

‘That’s OK Nica, I haven’t touched you yet’ Lexie reassured her.

‘Just testing’ Nica said with her lips pursed together, ‘Keeping you on your toes’. ‘Ouch, that was my leg, that was my other leg, that was all of my legs, that was my head!’ Nica cried and then started reciting various prayers that dogs do when they get desperate.

‘Oh my god, how in the name of god can you expect me to run around on stumps? Did you have to cut my legs that short?’ Nica said in a voice so high-pitched that she sounded somewhat like Aled Jones with his testicles slammed in the door.

‘Nica, don’t be so dramatic’ Lexie said firmly and then picked up the nail file to finish the job.

‘What are you going to do with that?’ Nica looked horrified as Lexie gripped the nail file.

‘Tidy up your nails’ Lexie laughed and then set about filing Inca’s nails down to make them tidy.

‘You can’t file my head off – I need my head!

‘Zara please come and help me, go and tell Brutus to come and get me!’ squealed Nica.

Brutus however was oblivious to the noise as he was helping his Dad to finish his toast next door.

‘I won’t be good as an amputee, do amputees lead next to normal lives?’ Nica cried fretfully.

Nica was soon finished and carried out back to her owners looking as though someone had bashed her and cut her own head off and used her snout as a fountain pen.

Fanning her pointy nose with her paws, she briefly glanced around to see if any of the neighbors dogs had seen anything.

‘I am never coming back; each time I come here my legs are amputated. I have to draw the line somewhere so I am never coming back’ Nica shouted with a new-found bravado.

‘And I am never coming back either!’ Zara said firmly and then shouted ‘Oi, you – brindle staffie over the road, what are you looking at?’ to our neighbors dogs over the road.

It was very easy for Zara to be brave with other dogs while snuggled up in her owners’ arms but she always feels tough when she wears her camo harness.

The girls were put back in the car and as quickly as the drama had started, it had all finished.

‘Are you OK Nica?’ Zara asked her sister. Dabbing her eyes and composing herself,

Nica cried ‘Yes, I think so – now. My legs have grown back which is something’.

‘That’s good, I think my legs have grown back as well’ Zara said gratefully and then bent down to admire them.

‘See you in three weeks’ Lexie waved to the girls and their mums.

‘Oh god, we have to go through this again?’ Zara barked in a horrified voice.

‘Awful isn’t it, it’s a wonder we don’t run out of legs’ Nica sighed.

As the car pulled out of the driveway I could just see Zara’s special helmet wobbling around and Nica was being quite animated as she was telling Zara her grand plans to vomit everywhere once she got back home – purely for attention.

Iggy nail clips – it is never ever just a nail clip; it is a partial or total leg amputation at the very least. Never underestimate it.

Nica (left) and Zara (right) – Trust no-one

(Photo by Francesca Perino)

Chinese (Crested) Whispers and your dog

Posted on January 10, 2015 by Samantha Rose

Pippin was sat at his desk wearing his half rimmed spectacles whilst attempting to do his spreadsheets on the laptop and yes, dogs can and do wear spectacles, even if they have no glass in them in a bid to look more intelligent and what is more, they can use computers as well but you should all know that by now, especially if you have dogs yourself.

Pippin Pringle at his computer

(Photograph by Denise Pringle)

(sounds of Pippin’s phone ringing) ‘Hello, Pippin Pringle here’ Pippin said in his clipped posh voice that sounds a bit like ‘BBC English’ in the way they announce a war.

Pippin – speaks in a ‘BBC English’ accent you know, just imagine him with spectacles on the end of his nose

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Yes it’s Amex here, we have it on good authority that Toppa will be coming to QLD to show Mum the ropes about showing, can you pass on the news that he must have his bags packed ASAP and tell him whatever he does, he must not bring budgie smugglers’. Amex said full of his own importance at such wonderful news that would send the Iggies from all over Australia and Puerto Rico, completely into meltdown.

Amex in QLD – giving Pip the good news!

(Photograph by Fran Forbes)

‘What? Are you sure?’ Pippin gasped causing Bronte to put down her edition of ‘Lure Coursing and the modern day Bitch’ and look up at him for answers. ‘Toppa is going to QLD to hang out with Amex and the gang’ Pippin mouthed to Bronte while covering the phone with his paw.

‘OMG, do you think I could come? I have always wanted to travel’ Bronte said excitedly as she had mental visions of her lazing on Surfers Paradise in a skimpy bikini purchased from a trendy surf shop, wearing over sized sunnies while sipping cold water and watching the hot-dogs go by.

Bronte (left) pleads to be able to come to QLD

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘No, the invite isn’t for you, it’s for Toppa and we had better get the word out ASAP so he can prepare himself for the QLD show ring’ Pippin said firmly, and then added ‘OK Amex, I’ll spread the word and will speak to you later’.

Within ten minutes, Pippin had circulated the news round the entire Iggy group, well with the assistance of Bronte who was ‘snap chatting’ on her phone and had even passed it on to the Texas Iggy Group who had promised faithfully to tell the Iggies in the rest of the USA.

‘I must tell Brutus’ Bronte said fretfully, she had run out of dogs to tell and still had a burning desire to tell someone – anyone, so she would tell Brutus as he had a tendency to hang off her every word purely because she was a girl and she was pretty.

Before Pippin could tell Bronte that Brutus is not a proper Iggy, only a pretend one, Bronte was on the phone to him.

‘Hi Bronte, how are you doing?’ Brutus said putting on his posh voice but really he sounded like Mick Dundee from Crocodile Dundee – in fact, that is actually Brutus, well it could be if Brutus were human.

Brutus – AKA ‘Forrest Gump or Mick Dundee’

(Photograph by Francesca Perino)

‘I am fine thanks, I’ve got some news for you’ Bronte said quickly, ‘Toppa is going to QLD to teach Amex’s Mum about the show-ring and they will be all sunbathing on Surfers Paradise with the hot-dogs’.

Now I have explained in my blogs/stories before that when dogs get news or one dog on the street barks at invisible intruders and garbage men, that ‘Canine Chinese Whispers’ always follows and what starts off as one conversation will end up in another entirely.

Hamish the Chinese Crested dog and is in charge of all doggy newspaper releases for the CCW

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Canine Chinese Whispers or CCW are always started by Chinese Crested dogs – they are the best at it you see and even if you don’t have a Chinese Crested dog on your estate or suburb, you can bet your bottom dollar that one will have started the rumour from somewhere and spread it around for other dogs to feed on and enjoy.

Because really, what fun are the garbage men if they are just garbage men, when in fact if you ask a Chinese Crested, they can be garbage men with super bones in their pockets, out to eat your family and rip your toys up and shit on your lawn?

Chinese Crested dogs are such majestic and marvellous dogs, they can make any story worth listening to and everything so much more exciting in the ordinary world of a dog that may spend time on his own in the garden.

A Chinese Crested – preparing for Canine Chinese Whispers

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Anyway, Brutus being Brutus totally got the wrong end of the stick and carried the ‘CCW stick’ and run with it like the Olympic Torch, because he really thought that both he and Vader were invited as Brutus only hears what he wants to hear.

Brutus – he has selective hearing with those satellite ears

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘What? QLD? OMG, I think I might shit myself!’ Brutus yelled and then promptly farted before hanging up leaving Bronte open mouthed in shock at such a response.

‘Shitting oneself for Toppa going to QLD is a bit much don’t you think?’ Bronte said to Pippin and then shrugged her shoulders and wondered who else she could tell.

Bronte – who else could she tell?

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Brutus grabbed his mobile and ignoring the surprised looks from Rocky, called Vader to tell him the news.

Rocky is surprised by Brutus’s announcement

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Vader, it’s Brutus – we have been invited to QLD to be life guard dogs on Surfers Paradise and we have to wear board shorts which we can stuff with socks to make our genitals look bigger!’ Brutus said happily.

‘Oh my god!’ Vader barked and then choked on his tongue and had to sick it up again so that he could continue the conversation. ‘I must tell Tess!’

Vader – am I really going to America?

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Tess, Brutus and I are going to America to see some Iggies from QLD so we can be film stars in a Bond movie and we get to wear a Tuxedo and budgie smugglers and hang out with Tony Abbott’ Vader said importantly while quietly farting in excitement causing the cats to cover their noses and say stuff like ‘Jesus Christ that stinks’.

Brutus and Vader think they are going to be Bond Dogs

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Tess looked thoughtful and being rather different as a Powderpuff girl and having pink paws, she had never been one for Canine Chinese Whispers and thought she should do the sensible thing and call Bronte to get the truth.

Tess – a Powderpuff but not into whispers

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Hi Bronte, it’s Tess – what’s this about the boys going to America to be Bond stars?’ Tess asked Bronte.

‘Oh dear, no it’s Toppa going to QLD to show Amex’s Mum about dog shows and stuff, Brutus and Vader are not invited’ Bronte said firmly.

‘Not invited?’ Tess gasped and then looked at Vader who was pretending that his tongue was a red Hollywood style carpet and trying to persuade the cats to walk on it.

Vader using his tongue as a red carpet

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Nope, this is Toppa’s adventure, good God, can you imagine Brutus and Vader on a plane?’ Bronte giggled.

At Toppa’s House

By now the news had got back to Toppa that he was going to QLD and he was busy packing his Iggy suitcase which consisted of some clothes, a selection of collars, his favourite toy, some dog magazines and a bone.

‘I-am-going-to QLD!’ Toppa grinned as he poked his reflection in the mirror.

Toppa – going to QLD but will he pick up a QLD accent?

(Photograph by Jeni Sach)

He wondered if he would learn to speak in a QLD accent, perhaps he should start practising now in the hope that nobody would know any different when he got there.

He briefly toyed with the idea of being nervous of flying but then remembered how Brutus told him that he has flown around the lure coursing grounds before and he was OK, so quickly squashed those nerves on the head.

So Toppa is going to QLD to hang out with Amex and the gang, will he come back with a QLD accent? Will he start wearing Steve Irwin style shirts and shorts and will he develop a love for surfing and hot bitches on the beach?

Who knows, not me that’s for sure – I make it up as I go along so quite frankly, anything could happen.

To be continued.

All photographs remain copyright of the photographers, please do not use them or reproduce them without their consent.

The Pigaloo Diaries

The magical world of talking animals and my view on life

Tag Archives: Brutus

If Dogs Could Celebrate Mothers Day……

The Wrath of Mother Nature and Lure Coursing

Dogs of War

Dogs Do Lunch

The Fastest Dog in Australia 2015 – First Heats

The Night Before Lure Coursing – March 2015

Toppa goes to QLD

Brutus, Vader, Guns (and rifles)

Italian Greyhounds and Nail Trimming (leg amputation)

Chinese (Crested) Whispers and your dog