The Night Before Lure Coursing August 2014

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It was the night before lure coursing and every dog in Perth had nervously gathered round their computers checking the weather on Facebook while praying that the rain would hold off so that their day of fun, hot dog consumption and ‘social butterflying’ could take place.

Bearing in mind that the last event was cancelled due to bad weather, the dogs still hadn’t gotten over that little episode as the whole thing was rather dramatic, especially when the ridgebacks crates were blown over and Dee’s ridgies escaped and were found in the kitchen along with a few substantially sized sausages but that is another story entirely.

At the House of Mouse

Mouse, Barbie and Bender had just come back from their extended holiday in kennels and having stuffed their faces and been rather lazy, it was decided that Mouse would not be competing in the lure coursing as she was out of condition.

10501703_718650281511884_4420443276249970110_nMouse Norris – threatening a hunger strike

(Photography by Jet Ska)

‘But I want to enter, they cannot possibly run the course if I am not there’ The little white greyhound sobbed dramatically and threw herself on the floor and pretended to faint while Barbie fanned her with a bit of paper and muttered ‘Now see what you have done!.

The mere thought of NOT lure coursing on Sunday was too much for Mouse to contemplate, perhaps they could erect a life size cut out in her absence or maybe she could be placed in a buggy and paraded up and down so people could cheer her on? She would ask Brutus and get his opinion.

It took a whole heap of comforting from her owner in order to calm her down and even the promise of another exploding bed could not placate her, she wanted to go to lure coursing and that was that and Mouse had already decided to go on a hunger strike for 2 hours to make a few ribs stick out – that would teach them!

Pippin’s House

Pippin was on his computer checking the weather page for updates.  As the last meeting was cancelled, every dog known to man had gone in to a serious decline as it had been so long since their last lure coursing meet up, would they even remember each other?

‘Well, it says it will be OK in the morning but in the late afternoon there could be showers, but nothing is carved in stone as they say!’ Pippin said firmly and then took a delicate sip of water followed by a wiping of his pointy snout on his fleecy blanket.

‘I heard at the last meet, that all the dogs were blown away and that Vader and Brutus were actually blown along with Melissa’s Stafford’s down the Nullabor’ Bronte said in a matter-of-fact voice.

Pippin rolled his eyes and replied ‘Don’t exaggerate Bronte, everyone knows that Melissa’s Stafford’s floated away across the field on a bench and that Dee’s ridgebacks ended up in QLD’.

Bronte sighed and peered over Pippin’s shoulders to check out the weather for herself, after all – if this event ends up getting cancelled, she might be forced to do ‘whizzies’ round the garden, but then again, she does that anyway so perhaps not.

(sounds of Pippin’s phone ringing)

‘Hello? Mouse, good to hear from you, how was the holiday – all ready for Sunday?’ Pippin said in a super efficient which he reserved as a ‘special phone voice’ to impress people.

‘What do you mean?  That isn’t possible – out of condition?, you have to come, even the lure won’t run without you!’ Pippin squeaked, his normal ‘cool’ reduced to flustered.  Pippin hated it when his routine was messed up, he was ‘Mr Organized’ personified and if Mouse wasn’t going to lure coursing then he would have to re-organize everyone’s diaries.

Placing his fountain pen behind his ears, Pippin pursed his lips and started checking his iPhone to see just what he could do to make things ‘fit’.  Actually Pippin didn’t need to make anything ‘fit’ as the day would run wonderfully – providing there was no rain, but you all know Pippin, he is a super organized ‘Personal Assistant of Life’ and would have God himself organized if he could, actually I believe he does have God organised as God told me he did.

But that was OK, Pippin still had Brutus and Vaders diaries to re-arrange not to mention keeping the other Italian greyhounds in order – especially Rocco who has dreadful Tourettes and can be seen on the lure coursing grounds swearing and barking at any dog that cares to listen and any dog that doesn’t and his favourite word is ‘bollocks’.

Pippin was secretly very excited about lure coursing because there is nothing quite like a gang of Iggies trying to run down the track, well we can’t count Fletch in this as Fletch makes it his mission to go as slow as possible.

It will also be Pippin’s first race since the ‘Fastest Dog in Australia’ competition and the other Iggies have planned to cheer him on when it comes to his turn to run so as you see, it is all going to kick off on Sunday at lure coursing – providing of course, it does not rain.

IMG_6184Pippin – in charge of everything really!

‘Pippin?’ Bronte asked her little brother.

‘Yes Bronte?’ Pippin replied.

‘Do you think it will rain?’ Bronte sighed, her little face so pointy that you could have dipped her snout in ink and written the word ‘Iggy’ with it.

‘Don’t know Bronte, I just don’t know’ Pippin sighed and crossed his little paws so tightly and secretly prayed that the rain would limit to falling on Tony Abbott’s head.

At Vader’s house

Vader and Brutus were having a play date which normally involves pulling down the underwear on Vader’s toys (yes toys wear undies), running round the garden, humping one another, arguing over a cows hoof and urinating over each other.

10606318_684483248306391_3219564786319427487_nCaught with its pants down and yes, the dogs did it!

‘I don’t know what I will do if it rains, is there any way we can stop it?’ Brutus asked Vader before pissing on his head.  Brutus was feeling quite fretful and totally devastated at the thought of not seeing his friends, let alone trying out the full course which involved corners/turns.

Vader lifted his head and stared at his new invisible boxer friend that he called ‘Frugal McGuff’.

Yes, I am afraid that Vader has an invisible friend that he often barked with, played with and argued with and his name was Frugal and I can testify that as I often hear Vader barking at fresh air in his garden and have come to accept the fact that dogs have invisible friends too.

And please don’t laugh at this, I bet you all had invisible friends as a child – I know I did, mine was called ‘Mr Manager’ who lived in Switzerland which was actually a camp that my Dad built out of sticks in the lane.  I used to ride invisible horses around the estate with my best friend Nicola and we had the rising-trot down to an art form as well as slapping our thighs with a stick, but let’s not go there please as it is quite frankly embarrassing.

‘Vader do you love Frugal McGuff more than me?’ Brutus asked Vader.  That was a hard one as Vader really did seem to enjoy arguing with his invisible friend and could be heard from over the fence barking and growling at him or with him and this made Brutus feel very insecure indeed.  Brutus doesn’t have an invisible friend as such, but he does have a strange relationship with his toys and can be heard growling at them so I guess it is the same really.

Vader looked at Frugal and then at Brutus, he couldn’t quite make his mind up as Brutus was not with him 24/7 but Frugal McGuff could be wherever he imagined him to be.  Frugal never judged him for making his beds explode and Frugal even took the blame for Vader’s naughtiness and Frugal never took the piss out of Vader’s exceedingly long tongue that was comparable to a slice of Christmas ham – as to quote Denise Pringle.

10577070_10152272532608317_899915858575841282_nVader – tongue like a Christmas ham!

However, Brutus was his best friend and nobody pissed on his head quite like Brutus did so that had to be something to consider surely?

‘I love Frugal’ Vader said with his huge fat tongue getting in the way.  Brutus’s face crumpled; did he love him (Brutus) as well?

‘But I love you more and we will be best friends forever and ever!’ Vader grinned and then washed Brutus’s jowls which made Brutus so happy that he had no choice other than to piss down his own legs with excitement.

10551075_683596318395084_4256826329900557973_nBest friends forever and ever!

‘Vader?’ Brutus asked the little boxer.

‘Yes Brutus?’ Vader replied while trying to reorganize his tongue and make it fit in his mouth.

‘Do you think it will rain on Sunday?’ Brutus asked again, thinking if he asked the question often enough, it would emphasize just how important it was for it to NOT rain on Sunday.

 Vader looked thoughtfully at Brutus before picking up one of his toys, ‘Nope, I don’t think so’

‘But how can you tell?’ Brutus demanded impatiently.

‘Because it’s lure coursing day!’ Vader replied simply.

And nothing more was said on the subject as both boys decided to sniff the same spot of dirt to find out if anything exciting had left its mark since they last sniffed it five minutes ago.

Dee Cole’s House

Dee was busy making some of her famous cakes which she knew would go down well as they always did.  There are absolutely zero calories in her cakes, once you cut the cake the calories fall out and that has been scientifically proven by some expert so I hear.

Dee’s ridgebacks were pretending to be good dogs but secretly Mac was planning how he could do ‘the great escape’ again and was trying to orchestrate an enormous large gust of wind to tip the crates over.

This was proving a problem as gusts of wind are not that easy to come by and it is not as though you can buy them in ‘Big W’ either.  Then it was suggested that Brutus be fed some Savoy cabbage and baked beans so that he could create a suitable gust of wind.  But as Brutus is known to follow a fart by explosive diarrhoea, Bailey quickly corrected Mac and the idea was canned.  It was no good, they would have to find their way to the kitchen by other means.

‘I am so excited I might be sick’ Mac muttered under his breath so that the puppies couldn’t hear it.

‘I hope we have nice weather’ Bailey replied.

And with that both dogs said nothing, they just sat there staring at Dee as she baked cakes, while making secret plans for a mass crate escape and a hostile takeover of the kitchen area and BBQ and taking all the sausages hostage.

At Sandra Burrow’s House – QLD

Kath the greyhound, Barney the big brindle horse/dog mix and Ruby the kelpie were having a chilled night in round Sandra’s house while playing the ‘Guess who?’ game.

All the dogs had a piece of paper stuck to their forehead while the other dogs had to give hints as to what or who was drawn on the paper, it is actually a very popular game amongst the dogs you know.

‘It’s white, woolly, makes a baahahahah noise and it gets its feet nipped’ Ruby the kelpie yelled in excitement to Barney.

‘A tampon on a string!’ Barney shouted with such excitement that he let out a huge fart which embarrassed him so much that he started noisily cleaning his genitals so Kath couldn’t see him blushing.

‘Barney you are SO disgusting!’ Kath said and wrinkled her long slender nose in disgust.  Greyhounds simply do not fart, they let out ‘puffs’ of air that smell of Sunday dinner farts, or if you don’t have Sunday dinner, then compare it to pumpkin farts as they too can be quite vile to inhale.

‘No it’s a sheep silly, not a tampon!’ Ruby sighed impatiently and then ran around the living room to herd up the cushions to show Barney how it was done.

‘You lot are SO childish!’ Kath said, shaking her head in disapproval before jumping off the sofa totally forgetting that she had a white sticker on her head with ‘Celine Dion’ written on it.

‘Don’t you want to know who you are meant to be?’ Barney shouted to Kath who was now in the garden behind her favourite bush squatting down to take a piss.

Barney and Ruby were patiently waiting for Kath to finish her toileting so they could get on with their favourite game.

Kath sighed ‘If you must, give me a clue’, then proceeded to dig up the grass with her hind legs and scatter soil everywhere.

‘Horse face Titanic Canadian’ Ruby the kelpie giggled as she said the clue to Kath.

Looking confused Kath replied ‘What the heck are you on about Ruby?’

‘Horse face Titanic Canadian’ Ruby repeated.

‘I know, I know! Black Caviar the racehorse!’ Barney shouted.  Not being the brightest dog on the block and a little bit ‘Brutus’ in the way of ‘gentle giant but not so smart’ title, Barney was so excited that he could even put out a clue, despite him not grasping the game that it wasn’t his turn to guess.

‘I give up, let’s go inside – ‘Better Homes and Gardens’ is on shortly and I want to watch Dr Harry’ Kath said firmly and walked inside with her sticker still on her head.

Ruby looked momentarily boot-faced but then agreed that they should go in as it would soon be tea time and she too liked watching Better Homes and Gardens especially when sheep and naughty dogs were involved.

The three dogs took their places on their favourite chairs, Kath had put her spectacles on so she could watch TV, Barney was lying on his back while flashing his genitals and periodically farting in between washing his anus and Ruby the kelpie was cuddled up to her toy sheep and occasionally nipping it to ‘keep it in its place’.

‘You know what day it is tomorrow?’ Ruby asked Kath.

‘Sunday’ Kath replied without looking up and then said ‘Why?’.

‘It’s West Coast Dog Sports lure coursing day in Western Australia, remember the last day Noah had to get his arc out as the day was a washout and dog were blown away and were seen floating down the Swan River on wooden crates, that is what I was told’ Ruby replied.

Barney stopped washing his bum and looked up ‘Oh yes, I heard they were meeting up, I had forgotten about that’.

Kath nodded approvingly and said ‘Well I hope they have a good day, it is a total tragedy when these events get cancelled and dogs can go into full depression when their lure coursing days don’t happen’.

‘Well I hear that it is going to be a beautiful day in Perth that day, wish I could come and meet all those Perth dogs, don’t you Kath?’ Ruby sighed and then went back to chewing on her toy.

‘Right everyone, quiet now – Dr Harry is on and I want to see the segment on stopping dogs digging the garden’ Kath said firmly and then spread her hind legs out like butter and her front legs to the skies like Superman as she stretched out in true greyhound fashion.

(Sandra Burrows walks in the door)

‘Hi dogs, I hope you have been good – who has been farting in here, is that you Barney?’ Sandra greeted the dogs that she had so lovingly trusted to have a ‘doggy night’ on their own.

‘I’ve got it, I’ve got it!’ Barney shouted at the top of his brindle voice.

‘What have you got – fleas?’ Kath said impatiently.

‘Titanic Horse Face Canadian – Celine Dion’ Barney snorted with laughter and carried on snorting despite Ruby nipping his feet to make him shut up.

‘That is SO not funny, I hate Celine Dion’ Kath said sounding totally fed up, her pointy snout appearing more sharp with ‘pissed-off-ness’, pulling the note off her head with her front paws, Kath looked the epitome of a dog with all the wounded pride of being called ‘Celine Dion’.

‘I know, I know, Barney shut up, that is SO not funny’ Ruby said to Barney while trying not to laugh.

‘Yes it is’ Barney snorted with laughter and ran inside before Ruby could nip him again.

Suddenly Kath received a text message on her mobile, this was most unusual for so late this evening but it must be urgent.  Glancing down at her phone she saw the message ‘It’s me Pippin, I need to speak to you urgently!’

Kath who had Pippin’s number on speed dial, called the Italian greyhound to find out what the problem was.

‘Hi Pippin everything OK?’ Kath said in a concerned voice and then yelled ‘Barney will you stop it, I am trying to have a serious discussion with Pippin’ Kath said in her best superior voice.  She was looking over the top of her spectacles now which always heralded that she was cross.

‘Kath, I have just had some bad news – thought you should know….’ Pippin said trying very hard to be strong.

Barney and Ruby could see Kaths face change from her normal greyhound expression to one of great sadness and it was a look that each and every dog knew and understood and nothing more needed to be said.

‘Oh Pippin, I am so very sorry – give my regards to the group’ Kath said now looking visibly upset.

‘We have only just found out ourselves this evening Kath so it is a shock for all of us but I will keep you posted how it goes tomorrow, it is going to be quite a sad day and even the humans don’t know about our plans as they have been so last minute but suffice to say that tomorrow we will be officially racing for a reason’.  Pippin replied.

‘Well it is lovely what the West Coast dogs are planning, but I don’t envy you on keeping it together, I know I couldn’t’ Kath said quietly.

‘I am sure you could Kath, I am sure you could – anyway, speak soon’ Pippin nodded trying not to show any emotion but we all know Pippin, the harder Pippin tries to be, the more we know that he is hurting.

‘Oh, Pippin, just one more thing before you go!’ Kath shouted at the computer.

‘Yes Kath?’ Said Pippin.

‘Good luck mate – with everything and do it for all of us in QLD!’ Kath nodded and just for once, Ruby and Barney sat quietly behind her and said nothing.

‘You OK Kath?’ Ruby asked Kath.

‘Yep, just got something in my eyes, that is all – I think it is a bit of grass or something, damn grass gets everywhere’ Kath said quietly and shuffled off to her bed.

Ruby and Barney nodded in sympathy because if you looked at them; they also had ‘something’ in their eyes and they too, needed a quiet moment to reflect, remember and wish with all their hearts that they could be in Perth on Sunday to join their friends in what was going to be a remarkable act of canine solidarity and support.

At Vader’s House

Vader sat subdued by his bed – nothing interested him, not even his toys.  He didn’t know what to say so he said nothing and even saying nothing, even doing nothing – hurt him.

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Vader 

At Brutus’s House

Brutus and Rocky had also heard the news that had filtered via Pippin that evening and unable to process it, both dogs had gone to their respective beds to make sense of it all.

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Brutus and Rocky discuss the news

Brutus was hugging his Tony Abbott doll and Rocky was curled up with his gingerbread man, both boys were uncharacteristically quiet.

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When only his Tony Abbott toy will comfort Brutus

‘Rocky?’ Brutus whispered quietly.

‘Yes Brutus’ Rocky replied.

‘Will I be a brave boy tomorrow?’ Brutus asked.

Rocky took a deep breath before he replied ‘Yes Brutus, I am sure you will, and Vader will as well’

‘I don’t want to cry, what happens if I cry?’ Brutus asked Rocky.

You could just make out the shadows of Rocky’s huge kelpie ears as he sat up, the moon shone brightly into the living room making ‘kelpie shadows’ by Rocky’s bed.

‘All dogs cry and providing you cry when it counts, it makes you a brave dog so please don’t worry about it’ Rocky said to reassure Brutus.

‘I don’t care about the race, I just hope I am a brave boy tomorrow – that is all’ Brutus sighed.

‘I am sure you will be’ Said Rocky.

‘Goodnight Rocky’ Brutus sniffed a few minutes later.

‘Goodnight lad and do us proud tomorrow’ Rocky replied.

But Brutus never heard that bit as he was fast asleep while clutching his Tony Abbott doll and dreaming about lure coursing, how painful life can be and absent friends.

Winston

This story is dedicated to Winston who crossed over to Rainbow Bridge far sooner than he should have done.

I would like to thank Winston’s owner Vanessa, for kindly allowing me to pay this tribute to Winston whom I had the pleasure to see at the recent Lure Coursers Anonymous lure coursing event at the Naval Base near Rockingham.

Winston had such fun with his lure coursing and was a joy to watch and even won a trophy on the day.

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Winston proudly displaying his trophy.

(Photography by Vanessa Pusey)

Racing for a reason

So tomorrow we shall go to our lure coursing event, we shall have fun, we shall catch up with friends.  Our dogs will have fun and enjoy themselves and no doubt have a blast as they chase the lure.

But when they do it, my guess is that if I know the characters that frequent my stories and I think I do, they will not only run for themselves – but they will sure as hell do it for Winston and they will ‘race for a reason’.

Next instalment to follow.

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright August 2014

All photography is copyright by myself, Jet Ska and Vanessa Pusey.

 

 

 

 

Dogs (Iggys) of War

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Today’s blog is about what happens when two breeds of opposite extremes clash and let’s face it, some times that can happen. Warning – some adult content/words but don’t blame me, blame Rocco.

Dogs (Iggys) of War

The Iggys were thoroughly over excited because the day that they had been waiting for had finally arrived – the Italian Greyhound Play Date. Everyone had been talking about it; Pippin had been busy organising everyone’s diaries and the other Iggys had been instructed to wear their best designer outfits.

Rumours had it that many of the dogs would be wearing the posh hand-made clothes from ‘Spoiled Bratzwear Canine Couture’ from the USA; which really is the canine equivalent to ‘Prada or Gucci’. Competition for these clothes is fierce, after all every dog wants to be unique in their fashion sense so other dogs on the blog can get jealous and Spoiled Bratzwear is THE place for the respectable dog to get his/her clothes from.

So basically as you can see, the Iggy play date was the place for the Iggys to show off their new clothes and make other dogs jealous because the biggest complement for a dog is not a human admiring their collar or jacket; it is in fact when another dog admires it.

‘Does my bum look big in this?’ Bronte asked Pippin who muttered something about ‘looking just fine and not having time for this girly rubbish’ Pippin never knew what to say to Bronte when she asked that question and thought it safer to change the subject. Iggys could be very peculiar about their weight and several of them had been known to make themselves vomit on command in order to get attention or fit into the latest outfit.

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Bronte shows off her purple outfit to Pippin

Pippin was looking very dapper in his suit, sporting the colours of the USA and he was also excited because his Mum Denise had been up until the early hours on the Spoiled Bratzwear site buying even more clothes. Pippin believes that a good dog can never have too many nice clothes in his/her wardrobe.

Actually Pippin had become a bit of a ‘dealer’ in dog clothes and was the dog to go to if anyone wanted anything ordering. Bronte who didn’t want to miss out on the action, found herself becoming very popular amongst the group because she got first dibs on the best outfits although I do believe on one occasion she ruined her credibility by pissing on her new sassy pants – but don’t tell her I said that as Bronte is still ashamed about that little incident.

Anyway as I said it was ‘the’ event to be seen at and all/most the Iggys would be there, some would even be talking in fake Italian accents and wearing Gucci sunnies, whilst some would smoke catnip cigarettes in a cigarette holder. Those that could not be there still would not miss out, as they would see it by Skype and this included Amex in QLD who rarely if ever missed out on such an event.

‘Is Brutus going?’ Bronte asked Pippin, secretly hoping that he would be there as she harboured a bit of a crush on the Scooby Doo lookalike.

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Scooby Doo (Brutus) – simply cannot be disguised as an Iggy!

 ‘No he isn’t, he really is too big to fit in with us and despite our best efforts, and we cannot disguise him as an Iggy’. Pippin replied and then added ‘Are you ready, Mum wants to leave – we don’t want to be late’

‘Hold on, I have to check if my bum is clean’ Bronte squeaked and then stuffed her pointy snout in the direction of her anus to make sure it was clean as Pippin rolled his eyes to the heavens – girls, they always took too long to get ready.

At the dog park

On arrival Pippin noticed that there were lots of big dogs in the area that the Iggys were meant to be going in to, and as the ‘head of the Iggy group’, this made him nervous as it was his job to protect them all but if truth be known these dogs could eat him for breakfast and he knew it.

As more Iggys arrived, there were lots of air-kisses and ‘hellos’ as they were all pleased to see one another. Lots of cheeky little Iggy bottoms wriggling and tails wagging at high speed as the dogs happily got into the spirit of things.

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Italian greyhounds – such gossips you know

‘Bronte – lovely outfit darling!’ Madame Gigi shouted in her high-pitched helium voice.

‘Pippin – looking cool my man’ Nica said approvingly at Pippin’s outfit, causing Pippin to blush at such a public display of affection.

‘Bollocks, go away! Piss off fart face, god you are fat, who do you think you are? Call that a snout?’ A familiar voice growled at various dogs walking by. Rocco was having a burst of his Tourette’s again which involved shouting at random dogs that happened to catch his eye.

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Rocco can argue with himself quite nicely thank you!

‘Rocco you are so naughty!’ Fletch said in a calm voice, Rocco who was really in no mood for pleasantries, simply replied ‘Yes I know, I am sorry Fletch’ and then yelled ‘piss off, bollocks, who stole my bones? God you are so fat, did you eat all the dog chow?’ at a chunky Labrador that was sitting near him.

Rocco was so furious and wound up that his Mum had to have words with him to stop him insulting people.

Finally the Iggys were all present if not incorrect and were taken into the fenced area of the ‘off-leash’ part of the dog park and that my friends, was when the trouble started.

‘Oi, pointy snout brigade, where the hell do you think you are going?’ A rather large and common looking tan mongrel dog with a straggly beard and a faded leather collar on his neck; yelled loudly at Pippin.

‘The name is Pippin, this is my group – can you let us in please?’ Pippin said in what he hoped was a firm voice. He actually thought of addressing the other dogs in Italian but judging by their ‘derro-faces’, it would not work and they would certainly not recognise the class and breeding of the Iggys.

‘My name is Bastard and I don’t want you in this area, we are doing obedience you know’ the mongrel said in a nasty voice.

Pippin raised his eyebrows – obedience – really? I think not and judging by his behaviour, you simply cannot polish a turd.

‘What’s this then, lunch on legs?’ A big Chow Chow walked up and stood beside Bastard the mongrel, ‘Oh more like a snack I see’ he added.

‘Yeah right, you want some? I could rip you a new arse if I wanted to and I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this but your back is sloping and you look deformed’ Starbucks the pug/cavalier shouted in a surprisingly loud voice for such a little dog.

‘I bet your Mum gets your collars from BigW’ Starbucks yelled and then decided to keep quiet as the other Iggys were now hiding behind their owners legs and Starbucks realised that her mouth was far bigger than her body although she looked cute though I have to say.

‘Come on everyone, we have as much right to be here as they have’ Said Pippin trying to sound firm when secretly he wanted to soil himself and much to his horror and shame, he did a ‘Brutus’ and for those of you that don’t know; ‘doing the Brutus’ is when you fart and almost shit yourself.

‘Bloody hell man, that’s disgusting!’ The Chow Chow shouted and started to choke, although he was a fine one to talk, as nothing and I mean nothing farts quite like a Chow Chow – aside from a boxer – just ask Lexie on that one, we have been gassed out of her car on several occasions by Vader the boxer.

‘Let’s play chase!’ A husky shouted and promptly started to chase one of the Iggys and made him cry by placing a paw heavily on its back.

And before long it became every dog for him/herself as the bigger dogs tried to chase the Iggys while shouting rude things about Pippin’s fart and pointy snout. Obedience – I don’t think so judging by the way the dogs were behaving, it was like a bun fight.

‘Run for your lives, run for the hills, just run for cover’ Pippin yelled as a mass of skinny legs and pointy snouts scattered like little spiders to the safer area of the park with the bigger dogs hot on their tails.

Once around the corner the frightened and exhausted Iggys were all shouting in high-pitched voices, speaking so fast that they could barely be understood.

‘I think I am dead, Pippin am I dead, I think I am broken, I am sure I am broken – someone catch me before I faint!’ Madame Gigi said dramatically to anyone that would listen and everyone that wouldn’t.

‘I don’t think I will ever recover’ Nica sobbed and then started to count her legs to see if they were all still there. Fletch tried to comfort her but then remembered how scared he had been and decided to let out a few whimpers so he too could get some sympathy.

Meanwhile Apollo, Cino and Lily were re-living the entire thing and were already planning on how they were going to tell everyone at the next lure-coursing event and even got out their mobile phones to update their Facebook statuses.

‘Fought off a wild pack of dogs – at least 1000 of them, but we are OK for now’ Lilly wrote on her FB and within minutes had replies of ‘OMG, really, are you OK hun?’ from her FB friends.

Nora, Charlie and Joey pretended to collapse so that Quartz the greyhound could revive them but even Quartz was at a loss what to do with the dramatic tiny little dogs that believed the canine apocalypse had started in the form of mongrels and Chow Chows.

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Quartz the greyhound 

Then suddenly Hershey noticed that Bronte had escaped the group and had gone round to where the other dogs were and was joyously galloping around proudly showing off her purple romper suit.

‘Look at me, aren’t I pretty!’ Bronte yelled and before she knew it; found herself being chased by Bastard; who ran straight into the Iggy area and started verbally abusing them whilst shouting something about eating disorders and legs that snap like carrots.

‘Bronte come here now!’ Pippin screamed at his sister while Quartz the greyhound looked on in admiration at the Bronte in her purple suit running around teasing the other dogs.

‘You – Bastard, back away from MY group NOW!’ Pippin shouted in a voice so loud that he frightened even himself with his newly acquired attitude.

‘Yeah, and who is going to make me?’ Bastard the mongrel dog sneered whilst flashing his grubby canine teeth, worn down from chewing rocks.

Pippin swallowed nervously but not taking his eyes off Bastard, he took a deep breath and replied ‘Me, I am going to make you’. Pips legs were shaking and he hoped that Bastard wouldn’t notice just how terrified he was.

‘Yeah, and me as well’ Rocco stepped forward and then did a threatening ‘cut-throat’ gesture with his front paws.

‘And me’ Starbucks barked from the safety of her owners arms, but she meant it though and she was sure she could take out this dog if she wanted to.

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Starbucks – good things come in small packages!

‘Yep, and me as well and I will not be easy to take down either, I have chased rabbits faster than you’ Quartz the greyhound added her part.

‘And me’ Bronte added.

Nica, Madame Gigi, Fletcher, Apollo, Cino, Lilli, Nora, Charlie and Joey then formed a ‘chain of Iggys’ separating Bastard the mongrel from the ‘safe area’ where all the Iggys were standing.

‘And you can take us on as well if you want – but you pay the price if you do’ said Apollo in his firmest voice while the others puffed out their skinny chests and tried to make themselves look big.

‘You reckon I am scared of you lot?’ Bastard laughed and then tried to beckon his Chow Chow friend and the husky to come over.

Pippin whose heart was doing summersaults in his chest drew a surprising amount of strength from his Iggy friends. Shrugging his shoulders at Bastard, he said simply ‘Your choice, you can take the chance with my lot or you can piss off back to your so called obedience class’

At that point Madame Gigi almost wet herself and Cino and Lilli snorted with laughter as they had never heard Pippin swear and it sounded funny coming from Pippin, a bit like the Queen – can you imagine old Lizzie saying ‘bollocks’?

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Madame Gigi – easily amused by Pip swearing

Bastard the mongrel looked around the little dogs in disdain and said in an angry but somewhat defeated voice ‘You lot will keep until next time’.

‘Yep, I am sure we will but next time we will have more of us and we will keep getting more of us until you realise that you do not own the park but you do however, own your behaviour which I might add is shockingly disgusting’ Pippin replied, and with that he turned around and faced the rest of the group, leaving Bastard standing there feeling deflated.

Bastards owner came and got him and took him away and pretty soon everything had calmed down, well actually it hadn’t calmed down as Pippin who is actually sexually confused, was now taking out his stress by humping the boys and sniffing their genitals but once again, that is another story entirely because Pippin is known as ‘metrosexual’ and has a strong appreciation and liking for humping male dogs and if desperation kicks in – humping fresh air.

‘What on earth happened there?’ Amex demanded to Pippin when he heard about it later on Skype.

‘Just a bit of trouble with some dogs, nothing I couldn’t handle’ Pippin said with fake confidence but inwardly feeling all weak and wobbly like you do as a child when a teacher tells you off.

‘I would have bashed those dogs for you no trouble, they would not have messed with me’ Amex said confidently and then started doing karate moves with his legs on camera to show Pip his ability to take down big dogs.

Pippin laughed ‘Yes Amex, I know you could’

(Sounds of barking as a commotion started to take place)

‘Where is Rocco?’ Madame Gigi asked while straining her neck to look around.

Hershey replied ‘I haven’t seen him but I think I can hear him swearing somewhere’  straining his head like a meerkat, Hershey heard the familiar sounds of Rocco shouting various swear words and insults.

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Hershey the little meerkat

‘Oh my god, is that him?’ Joey asked.

‘I think it is’ Charlie responded as Pippin mumbled something along the lines of ‘God help us!’

‘You big fat turd legged bunch of anus-heads!’ Rocco shouted as he happily ran in-between the obedience group while flashing his anus at the Chow Chow.

‘Rocco, come here now!’ His mum demanded in a loud voice.

‘You all smell of turd, piss off, god you are so fat, where is your snout, at least I don’t have bad hips’ Rocco yelled as he ran around the area whilst flipping the bird and flashing his bum.

Starbucks was now barking her head off and begging to be aloud to join Rocco while the other Iggys just sat and watched in horror.

Eventually Rocco was caught and reluctantly brought back to the group but not before he had called every dog in the obedience group fat/ugly/crusty/no snout/big ears and whatever other insults he could think of at the time.

‘I, Rocco, regret nothing and I think you are all bastards’ Rocco said in a rather proud voice.

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Rocco (he regrets nothing)

‘He never does – regret anything I mean’ Madame Gigi whispered to Hershey who nodded in agreement.

‘Thank you Rocco, now that will be all if you don’t mind’ Pippin replied firmly and just as Rocco was about to argue again, he looked at Pippins face and thought better of it.

Home time

The Iggys were ready to go home and their owners were getting ready to take them to their cars. Pippin was writing something in his diary about Madame Gigi wanting to place an order for designer Italian clothes and a diamond collar; as well as taking notes for the next big event, which is lure coursing of course and the question being; whether or not Mouse Norris would be in attendance.

Pippin was secretly exhausted and badly shaken up after the day’s events but he couldn’t let his group know just how scared he was as it was his job to defend them – even from dogs that could eat him.

But what he (Pippin) didn’t notice was that the other Iggys, Quartz and Starbucks had formed two lines to Pippin’s car.

‘OK everyone, we will regroup next week to discuss lure coursing and of course to catch up with Gidget Goldsmith who has been off circuit for a while’ Pippin said importantly, unaware that the dogs were lined up in a ‘corridor of Iggy’.

‘Are you lot listening?’ Pippin sighed, ‘What is going on with you ……..’ Pippin trailed off in mid sentence.

Staring around him, Pippin saw every single Iggy plus Starbucks and Quartz lined up and one by one, each Iggy started to applaud him until every single dog in that area was clapping including a beagle puppy and a white fluffy dog that had gate crashed the event.

‘What is going on?’ Pippin asked, now blushing like a girl with embarrassment.

‘For standing up to the bullies’ Nica said proudly and the other Iggys nodded frantically in agreement – it was like several pointy snouts all going off at once like a pointy pen writing contest.

‘Three cheers for Pippin!’ Shouted Madame Gigi in her high-pitched voice.

And although Iggys don’t have powerful voices, as each cheer got louder and more passionate, by the end of it every single dog in the park had heard it and what is more, they knew why little Pippin was being heralded a hero in the first place.

With his stiff upper lip and restraint, Pippin took a deep breath and nodded appreciatively and replied ‘Thank you everyone, now let’s all get home and I will see you all next week’.

Pippin stared at all of his friends – Nica, Gigi, Fletcher, Apollo, Cino, Lilli, Nora, Charlie, Joey, Hershey, Quartz, Starbucks and of course the angry little Rocco who was quietly arguing with himself in the corner – tiny little dogs with attitude and he was very proud of them all.

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You take on one Iggy, you taken on them all – according to Apollo!

Bronte stood quietly by her brothers side, she was bursting to take orders for their new clothes but this was Pippins moment and she wasn’t going to steal his thunder, well actually she would steal his toys later but that’s OK; what is Pippin’s is also Bronte’s – especially when it comes to food, toys and treats.

Pippin and Bronte were lifted into the car, Bronte put in her crate while Pippin was secured into his seat belt where he proceeded to look out of the car window and smile at his friends.

Pippin could see Nica and Hershey Skyping Amex on the phone giving him an exaggerated account of the day’s events and by the time Hershey had finished telling his side of the story, I believe the amount of large dogs in the incident had doubled and there were actually some lions involved.

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Nothing like hiding behind your owner for protection when you are Chino the Iggy Pup!

Later that evening

Pippin and Bronte were tucked up in their beds chatting about the day.

‘Pippin?’ Bronte whispered.

‘Yes Bronte?’ Pippin replied.

‘Thank you for looking after us today’ said Bronte.

‘That’s OK, it’s my job’ Pippin said quietly, although Bronte must never know how scared he had been.

‘Pippin, were you scared at all – those dogs were really big?’ Bronte asked nervously.

‘Scared? Me? No of course I wasn’t scared’ Lied Pippin while keeping his paws crossed to cancel out the lie – Brutus taught him if he tells a lie and crosses his paws then it doesn’t count.

‘I was scared’ Bronte replied and then added ‘but I was so glad you saved us and we all felt safe with you around’.

‘Goodnight Bronte’ Pippin said to his sister and within minutes he could hear Bronte snoring gentle little Iggy snores as she dreamt about her hero brother saving the world from dogs called ‘Bastard’ and his gang.

Should he tell her just how scared he had been? Perhaps not – everyone is allowed his or her moment of glory and this was Pippin’s.

Snuggling up in his bed, Pippin used his pointy snout to rearrange his blankets. After a few seconds he gave out a typical doggy sigh before he fell asleep to dream about saving the world – well, his park at least.

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Pippin – good at organising and saving his gang!

The End

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright August 2014

Please do not reproduce/use these photographs without my explicit permission.  The  photograph of Rocco remains the property of Francesca Perino