The Wrath of Mother Nature and Lure Coursing

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Pippin is not amused

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Urgent News By Walkie-talkie (just like they did in the war)

Pippin Pringle had called an important meeting of all dogs that attend lure coursing.  He wasn’t sure what it was about but knew it was urgent as Dee Cole had asked for it to happen and Pippin had to in turn, relay the message.

‘But why do I have to leave my nice warm bed for this meeting?’ Millie the border collie said impatiently.  She had a DVD put aside for that night about sheep herding and the modern-day bitch and had no plans to leave the house.

‘Not sure, but if Pippin has asked for it then that is what we need to do’ Brutus replied and then added ‘Come on Vader, stop dragging your jowls’ to Vader who looked as though he had lost his bottom lip the way his head was near to the floor.

Vader I should add, was feeling very sorry for himself as he had stolen Lexies’ marshmallows and had scoffed an entire packet and was now feeling sick.

Zara, Olive, Nica, Gigi, Rocco, Cino, Pino, Fat Harry, Apollo, Starbuck, Poppy, Woody, Fletch, Soobi, Bronte to name but a few had now gathered in Pippin’s living room to see what was going to be announced.

Even Bundy the Samoyed (AKA The Town Crier) was there just to announce everything and anything that might need announcing as he was rather good at that.

‘Z’ the cop dog was there in full uniform, just to give the boys a thrill as some dogs like a female dog in uniform and Z wore it so well.

Eugene the Angry Afghan was there fighting with himself while Bentley was trying to interrupt with Eugene’s invisible friend and tell him to piss off.

Mouse Norris looked thoroughly bored by the wait and was now admiring her nails and talking about the raw food diet with Barbie.

Basically it was a full house and the dogs were impatient at what news was going to be relayed to them.

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Millie the border collie

(Photograph by Belinda)

‘I am tired, I want my bed’ Brutus cried to Vader who nodded his head in agreement.  Having the attention spans of goldfish, the boys couldn’t stay interested in anything for long.

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Brutus – wants his bed

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Millie who has never been known for her patience and has even sat up all night waiting for lure coursing, had decided to go over to where the tiny walkie-talkie was placed on the mantlepiece.

Picking it up and turning it on, she could just hear the ‘hissing’ of a badly tuned radio, feeling frustrated she tried to shake it.

‘Millie, what are you doing?’ Pippin demanded impatiently and snatched it from her and tuned it in.

‘Are we there yet?’ Brutus demanded to Rocco who calmly told him to ‘Shit off’ and then went back to washing himself.

‘I believe that we could be at war!’ Bundy the Samoyed announced to nobody in particular and when they ignored him, he shouted ‘Long live the Queen’ and when only Gigi responded, he decided to give up.  There was no point in being the Town Crier if nobody listened to you.

‘Shhh, I can hear something!’ Millie hissed to everyone and waved her slender black and white paws to shut everyone up.

Aside from Rocco, Bentley and Eugene having fights with their invisible friends, everyone else was quiet – except for Soobi and Olive who were tickling each other and chewing on each others snouts in a game of ‘bitey face’.

‘Hello, this is Mac – Dee Coles Ridgeback, can you all hear me out there?’ A loud deep booming voice of a Rhodesian Ridgeback filled the air.

‘Since when did he get such a sexy voice?’ Bronte giggled to Gigi, Hershey, Nica and Starbuck.

‘Will you be quiet you lot, I am trying to listen’ Pippin growled and then pressed the button to speak.

You see – walkie-talkies are used for urgent announcements as they are far more dramatic than phones and stuff.

‘Mac, we can hear you – please go ahead with the announcement’ Pippin said in his ‘BBC English’ accent (think of a posh voice from the olden days announcing ‘Britain is at War’ and you will get the drift).

‘Good evening everyone, we regret to announce that due to bad weather predictions, lure coursing is now cancelled for this Saturday and Sunday.

‘As we still have memories of dogs floating off down the polo grounds at last years storm and cages sailing away and being found in other countries, we thought it safer to cancel’  Mac barked in his powerful voice.

‘Oh my god, I think I am going to die right here and now!’ Millie shouted dramatically and then behaved like any border collie who has had her sheep removed from her, and promptly threw herself on the floor and sobbed.

Taking a deep breath, Pippin replied ‘Thank you Mac and goodnight from us’ and then quickly turned the radio off and faced the group of dogs that were in his living room.

Met with a canine wall of silence, this was Pippin’s worst nightmare.  There was nothing quite like a group of dogs (and good friends) that had been looking forward to lure coursing, to have Mother Nature literally piss on their parade and cancel it due to bad weather.

‘Did you say cancelled?’ Brutus asked as his bottom lip quivered.

‘Cancelled?’ Vader added.

One by one it was echoed around the room ‘Lure coursing cancelled?’

‘But how shall we spend our weekend now?’ Madam Gigi demanded.

‘I could organise a day of vomiting but that would only take an hour’ Nica said out loud.

‘I might just have to die’ Eugene the Angry Afghan growled and then accused his invisible friend of orchestrating it all and started to swear at him.

As the other dogs all shouted their protest, Starbuck and Poppy sat under the table and cried, Chewy hid behind his fur while Mako and Apollo were already on the phone to a dog psychologist to book a counselling session.

Bundy the Town Crier had decided that he had kept quiet for long enough and was no barking ‘Everybody, save yourselves and your family before they get eaten.  We are now at war and lure coursing has been cancelled because the weather is going to be crap – may your souls be saved!’

Pippin takes control

Pippin was not amused and had taken a few moments to stand outside to get away from the upset dogs protesting in his living room.  Several had now started arguing with invisible friends and were barking at fresh air and accusing it of severe weather control and ruining their lives.  Mouse Norris was now threatening to go on a hunger strike and Barbie was threatening to join her.

Normally a kind, placid and gentle dog, Pippin was upset that their doggy plans had been ruined.  However he knew that safety had to come first and the lure coursing would not have been called off if it was at all avoidable.

After taking a few minutes away from the group, Pippin took a deep breath and marched back inside.

He didn’t need to say much, they all stopped fighting, arguing and in Nica’s case – vomiting, and stared at him, silently pleading with him for direction and answers.

‘Right you bunch of girls, lure coursing is cancelled for our own safety, it has been put off for a week and thank god it has too because none of us want to be injured slipping on wet grass’. Pippin said to the group.

‘Save your mothers, fathers and save your dog chow!’ Bundy barked in his Samoyed voice.

‘Bundy please be quiet’ Pippin growled at Bundy who blushed and stopped shouting his announcements.

‘Who wants to be on the course anyway in thunder and lightning, not me that’s for sure and everyone knows dogs like us melt in the rain!’ Brutus said loudly.

Several dogs nodded their head in agreement as the Iggies also remembered that they actually do melt in the rain, well Brutus melts in the rain himself so I guess he knows what he is on about.

‘Apollo told me that thunder is the dogs over at Rainbow Bridge having a party over our heads and having fun’ Starbuck said to  Poppy who said that she had heard the same thing.

‘Right, you lot can find your own entertainment for the weekend and you can all work on your techniques for the Fastest Dog in Australia second heats in a weeks time’ Pippin nodded to the group.

‘Fancy coming to mine to watch some naughty videos on dog training?’ Brutus asked Millie who grinned back at him.

‘Yes, sounds good – will you be there Vader?’ Millie barked in Vader’s direction.

‘Yep, count me in!’ Vader agreed and then asked Brutus to pull his paw so that he could fart.  A very childish habit that the boys developed from a young age where they simply would not fart unless the other dog pulled their paw and made it more dramatic.

Finally the dogs left Pippin’s house to go back to their own homes. You could all hear them discussing the nights events as there was seldom anything bigger than lure coursing being cancelled, aside from the Fastest Dog Comp.

Goodnight Pippin

‘Glad that is over and done with’ Pippin said to Bronte and went to close the curtain.  As he did so, he could hear Bundy’s unmistakable bark doing his ‘Town Crier’ bit.

‘Don’t worry everyone, it is a war effort and we all need a cup of tea, tea solves everything’ Bundy shouted.  Pippin smiled at Bundy who was shouting stuff about cups of tea – Bundy is such a funny dog.

As Pippin watched his friends disappear out of sight, the last thing he saw was Bundy taking a piss up someones car.

Closing the curtains, Pippin thought to himself ‘Tea?  Yes I think I could do with a mug of tea after the night I have had’

‘Cup of tea Bronte?’ Pippin asked his sister.

‘Don’t mind if I do’ Bronte replied and followed him to the kitchen to help him make it.

‘They were quite well-behaved really, all things considering’ Bronte said to Pippin as she pulled out two bone China cups from the cupboard and found a China teapot and stuffed a few teabags in it for good measure.

‘Yes, very well-behaved really’ Pippin smiled, ‘All things considered of course’.

But what Pippin didn’t see was Brutus, Vader, Bentley, Rocco and Fat Harry pressing their bottoms and leaving ‘marks of bum’ on the neighbours cars and Eugene the Angry Afghan doing a monster turd in someones garden and getting a large lump of poo stuck to his pantaloons much to the admiration of Chewy who tried to shit his own pants so he could copy him.

But other than that, yes – they were very good dogs indeed.

The End….

Lure Coursing for Guildford Polo Grounds Cancelled this Weekend Due to Predicted Severe Weather Conditions.

Sadly this is true and for safety reasons lure coursing has been cancelled for this weekend which is fair enough as the dogs safety is paramount.

There is talk of the Fastest Dog heats taking place the weekend after but this is yet to be confirmed – details will follow.

Sam Rose (C) Copyright May 2015

Lure Coursing and a day of mourning (according to Barney)

Hi everyone – sorry it has been ages since I did any stories on lure coursing which as you know is a huge part of my life (not sure if that is sad or not but either way I love the sport and it’s my highlight of the month).

You may remember that I have been working on a story from the last lure coursing meet which is the second instalment from the last story.  Due to some personal stuff and health issues, it has been taking me ages to write but I will try and finish it in the next week or so.  It is annoying as I normally get them written up straight after lure coursing but this one has been a challenge.

Now a lure coursing meet was planned for this Sunday 21st September but bad weather has been predicted for Perth and yesterday it was declared cancelled due to safety reasons.

You all know the dogs in my story and how badly they would have taken this news and as soon as we heard last night, I had to write the story up immediately as the dogs were threatening a canine uprising.

It’s funny how when I try and plan a story in the organised methodical way that other writers do, I get lost and I struggle with it (especially when illness is a factor).  But give me a last minute bit of news that I find inspiring and I can bang out 3,500 words in 3 hours no worries and write the story as thoughts come into my head.  But hey ho, we are all different in our own ‘special’ way.

Anyway, as you can imagine the dogs were not happy and I have been inspired to write about it from their point of view and I can only go on what they have told me.

*This story contains adult content and is NOT suitable for children*

It was a typical Friday night before lure coursing. The dogs were in their respective homes planning strategies, clothes, fashion, who would steal sausages, who would make their bid for freedom, who would go all ‘rock n’ roll’ and trash their crate and try and beat Dozer the boxers efforts at the last meet.

At the Iggy Head Quarters – Pippin’s House

Pippin was busy reading a magazine and doing a crossword. Wearing his half rimmed spectacles, he was highlighting areas with an orange pen that may be of interest – stuff like obedience and the modern day Iggy and designer collars.

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Pippin – ‘the organiser’

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

Bronte was on the phone to Nica, they were planning the next Iggy play date and having girly gossip about the latest in SpoiledBratz fashion labels and ‘Diva Pantz’.

At the House of Mouse

Mouse Norris was chewing on Benders leg who had his nose on Barbie’s bum, the cat was just watching in disgust at how 3 large dogs could be quite so revolting.

‘I am so going to set the grass alight when I run, it’s been far too long’ Mouse said confidently to Bender. Admiring her long slim white legs, Mouse didn’t need to try and impress anyone because she did so effortlessly.

‘Mouse, you are SO big headed’ Bender said sounding a bit jealous of his nimble sister.

‘Yep, I know but you love me all the same’ Mouse replied confidently.

‘Ouch!, do you mind!’ Mouse squeaked as Bender nipped her on the arse.

‘Yes Mouse, I love you’ Bender grinned and then farted for payback and then added ‘But you are such a big head’.

‘Someone’s shit themselves’ Barbie shouted dramatically as Bender and Mouse snorted with laughter at the sheer vulgarity of it all.

Brutus’s House

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Brutus – dreams of lure coursing

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

Brutus and Rocky had just enjoyed a meal of dog chow, raw kangaroo, beef and lamb and were lying on their beds digesting their meal.

‘Try not to crash through the barrier this time’ Rocky said to Brutus.

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Brutus the fence breaker

(Photography by Studio Joy)

‘Oh that, it was all part of my trick’ Brutus replied, blushing because he was lying. He had crashed through that barrier twice now, the first time he actually tore it.

‘Shame Vader can’t come lure coursing’ Brutus said fretfully and started to wash his genitals in such noisy fashion that Gordon the cat had to check he wasn’t having a second meal.

Dee’s House

Mac and Bailey were on the Internet checking their Facebook – and yes they do have Facebook as do all dogs.

‘Have you seen this message from Melissa?’ Mac whispered to Bailey who was admiring himself in between farting.

‘What’s up?’ Bailey replied without even looking up.

‘This is awful, this is truly awful – I cannot believe it, it must be wrong, I shall call Melissa’s Stafford’s’ Mac said sounding very distressed and trust me it takes a lot to distress Mac.

‘Oh come on lad, it can’t be that bad – don’t be such a drama queen’ Bailey snapped and then had a look at the computer himself. Gasping loudly Bailey could barely find the words but when he did, they were not polite ones.

‘Bloody hell, that’s a shitter!’ Bailey said and then looked around to the puppies and wondered how the hell he was going to break the news to them and also Amy’s ridgebacks as well – in fact, all the ridgebacks in the group, Amira would be devastated and as for Patricia Gleeson’s ridgies – he was sure that they would declare war on the situation.

Melissa’s House

Melissa’s Stafford’s had already been told the news and in their protest; had locked themselves in their kennels and were now unreachable. Their little Staffie mobile phones were ringing frantically, their emails in overload but to no avail. These dogs were officially in mourning and nothing and I mean nothing would cheer them up.

At Various Other Dogs Houses

Benny and Isis the Pharaoh Hounds were playing strip poker and whoever lost had to remove their collar. Benny loved this game as he always beat Isis and he so loved seeing her without her collar.

‘Can’t wait to see Brutus on Sunday, it’s going to be fab!’ Benny said happily as he smoothed his ears down. The Pharaoh hound had a huge soft spot for the clumsy young dog.

Both he and Brutus had become firm friends right from day one and they thoroughly enjoyed one another’s company while discussing anal glands and bones.

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Brutus and Benny the Pharaoh Hound – best mates

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

Willow the French Bulldog was so overexcited that she wanted to piss herself, she loved lure coursing and truly believed that she had wings under her little legs and if you could see her running then you would see what I mean. Willow was ‘match fit’ and had been seen doing squat jumps and press ups in a bid to warm up for Sunday.

Ex Cop Dog, Belgian Millinois ‘Z’ loved her lure coursing so much that she had to be bribed to get off the course with a padded arm like the cops use.

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‘ZZ’ the ex cop dog – (she knows Rumble the WA police dog I bet)

(Photography by Studio Joy)

You can always spot her shouting obscenities like ‘I will eat you – you bastard’ and she gets so hyped up after chasing the lure that she has been known to hang on to the padded arm and get carried off the course while shouting ‘Let me at that lure, you are going in the slammer’.

‘I can’t wait for Sunday’ ‘Z’ thought to herself and then tried to savage a pillow and arrest it afterwards for ‘resisting arrest’.

Millie’s House

Millie the Border collie was lying on her bed playing a game of strategies. This is a home made game that Millie invented for herself about various ways she can increase her speeds, she was proud of her invention and did very well in the Fastest Dog in Australia competition which she put down to this game.

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 Millie the border collie plans her strategy

(Photography by Belinda)

‘I can’t wait to run, I can’t wait to see Brutus and Chewy and I can’t wait to share Mum’s burger’ Millie thought to herself.

Basically it was every dogs right to enjoy a bit of their owners burgers/sausage and stuff the diet, as what happens at lure coursing, stays in lure coursing – according to Brutus who was told that by Dee’s ridgebacks.

And if a dog goes home with gastro and shits in the laundry room, then they just blame the invisible German Shepherd dogs that go around the world making dog beds explode and other such naughty things.

Pippin’s House

‘Pippin, your phone is ringing’ Bronte yelled to Pippin who was doing a Skype call with Rocco, Bentley, Amex, Toppa, Madam Gigi, Rambow and Dash – the topic being that Dash had lost his testicles and was forced to wear the cone of shame.

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Dash – wearing his cone of shame

(Photography by Kylie Elaine Woodward)

Rocco had laughed heartily about this and had convinced poor young Dash that his testicles had in fact been sold to Cash Converters, and Pippin was trying to undo the mental damaged caused by Rocco but that is another story.

‘I’m coming!’ Pippin shouted and then said to the camera where all of his friends were on a conference call; ‘Back in a sec, I won’t disconnect you’

‘So Nica, have you vomited lately?’ Bronte asked Nica who had vomiting for attention down to a fine art.

‘Not in 3 days but I am working on teaching Zara the puppy to do it’ Nica sighed happily. Really it was quite a skill because the key was not to actually vomit up your hard earned food but just make it as though you are and it was awesome the attention it got you.

‘What did you say?’ Pippin gasped loudly enough to stop Bronte chatting to Nica and all the dogs on the conference video call to stop discussing Dash’s non-existent testicles.

‘Are you OK Pippin?’ Bronte asked her brother. Pippin looked visibly shaken and grabbed his iPhone and quickly started checking diary dates and reorganizing things.

‘Everyone, I have an announcement to make’ Pippin said in a firm voice.

(Ten minutes later)

‘That is awful’ Bronte sobbed to Nica who was shaking her pointy snout in grief.

‘I can’t believe it, does Mouse Norris know yet, and the others?’ Rocco said in a panicked voice.

‘Not yet, I have to tell the big fella first’ Pippin said sadly.

‘Oh my goodness, yes, we have to tell Brutus’ Bronte cried and then looked at Madam Gigi down the camera for support.

‘Bronte, is this an appropriate time to vomit now?’ Nica said in a high-pitched voice of an Iggy who is about to make a scene.

‘Yes, Nica – I think it is’ Said Bronte.

‘Thank you’ Nica replied simply and then without warning puked up an entire bowl of dog chow all over the floor while Zara shouted ‘Eughhh, that is disgusting – can I eat it?’

At Brutus’s House

Brutus was so excited that he was beside himself, he wouldn’t sleep for excitement and may even fart if it got too much. He is always like this before lure coursing and gets up stupidly early to jog around the garden while singing ‘You can’t touch this’.

His velvet smooth brown jowls, his huge brown eyes, shiny black leather-like nose and pointy ears, he could give Scooby Doo a run for his money he was sure of that.

At 22 months old, Brutus is still a puppy with lots of baby behaviors, still prone to throwing himself on the ground, still crying if you take his puppy blanket away and knows each and every toy that is on his bed and god help you if you remove one.

A dog of routine, he has to have 3 carrots a day, enjoys washing his kelpie brothers mouth and Gordon the cats ears – my big brown gentle giant of a dog Brutus.

He is not a brave dog and I had better not say too much about Rocco and Bentley plus a few others ganging up on him last week barking at him and calling him a ‘big girls blouse’, so don’t tell him I told you that.

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 Pippin puts Brutus in his place

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

‘Brutus, Pippin is on the phone for you, I think it is about Sunday’ Rocky shouted to Brutus who was busy chewing Tony Abbotts genitals (his Tony Abbott doll silly!)

‘I am a champion and I am going to win the Good Boy Award’ The Good Boy Award is something that I have invented; that I award to Brutus to make him feel special, I taught him that months ago and he has never forgotten it either.

He gets that award every month, sometimes twice a month and all I can say is it is a good job there is no trophy attached to it, as my house would be full of them.

‘Brutus, are you listening – Pippin is on the phone for you!’ Rocky said sharply and dropped the phone on Brutus’s bed and walked off to his own bed to finish his carrot.

‘Hi Pippin, are you excited? I am excited, god I am so excited I might have gastro’ Brutus said happily.

‘Brutus, I am really sorry lad but I have some bad news for you’ Pippin said quietly.

lure coursing

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

Brutus sat quietly clutching the phone and his happy smiling face just fell and his jowls sagged and his bottom lip hung down like the bottom of a wash hand basin.

‘But that’s not fair’ Brutus stuttered to Pippin down the phone.

‘I know lad, I know but we can’t control the weather’ Pippin tried to reason with the heartbroken young dog who simply could not and would not understand why his most favourite event next to washing Vader’s genitals had been cancelled.

‘Brutus, are you OK?’ Pippin said after a few minutes.

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A distraught Brutus takes to his bed

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

But there was no answer because Brutus had dropped the phone on the floor, gone back to his bed and had curled up clutching his Tony Abbott doll and a crumpled photo of him with his friends at the polo grounds at the last lure coursing meet.

And quite suddenly the big brown dog looked very small, very sad and actually quite vulnerable.

Rocky went over to Brutus to check on him, he was going to call him a ‘girly arsed bastard’ for taking it so bad but when he saw Brutus’s normally happy face look so resigned, he thought better of it and went back to his own bed.

At the House of Mouse

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Mouse Norris – checking out UK greyhound Derby winners

(Photography by Jet Ska)

Mouse was lying on her bed while looking at pictures of greyhound derby winners of the UK. Pretending that the news didn’t bother her, she faked a non-committal smile as Barbie kept stuffing her snout up Benders bum.

‘You OK Mouse?’ Bender asked his sister who was staring vacantly at the wall.

(no answer)

‘I think she is upset’ Barbie nodded to Bender.

‘I think you are right although it’s only lure coursing, god knows why she loves it so much’ Bender sighed.

And if looks could turn a dog to turd, Bender would be diarrhea with the look that Mouse gave him.

At QLD Headquarters – Barney’s House

‘Yes Pippin, I will pass on the news. Devastating my friend, we all know how the dogs look forward to their lure coursing and one can never turn down a piece of sausage either’ Kath said on the phone to Pippin.

‘What was that all about?’ Ruby the kelpie asked as Kath the greyhound got off the phone.

‘Lure coursing has been cancelled in Perth due to bad weather predicted for Sunday’ Kath said in a sad voice.

Barney, who was lying on his back doing silent farts, suddenly sat upright and said ‘That is tragic, we should declare it a National Disaster’.

And for once, Kath and Ruby agreed with him.

Barney the Supervisor

Barney declares it a National Disaster

(Photography by Sandra Burrows)

Somewhere in the Northern Territory where the crocs are big, the kangaroos have attitude and the dingoes do roam

A couple of dingoes were having a beer and a joint around the campfire; several kangaroos were hanging around as well. It is like that in the outback you see – all the animals socialize together and don’t have the hang-ups about differences that we humans have.

‘Have you heard that the lure coursing has been cancelled for Perth?’ One large red kangaroo said in between swigging his beer and inhaling on his joint.

The dingoes looked up in shock ‘Really, are you serious – now that is a disaster’ One of the dingoes replied.

The kangaroos nodded in agreement while one muttered ‘Poor bastards’

And with that sentiment, they all took a mouthful of beer and shook their heads in sympathy.

Pippin’s House

A huge video conference call on the same scale as the Fastest Dog in Australia Finals was taking place in Pippin’s house. Wide screen computers, laptops – Skype calls on mobiles, you name it – Pippin’s house was the hub of activity.

‘But Pippin, what are we going to do on Sunday now we are not lure coursing?’ Poppy the Chinese Crested demanded to know.

Poppy Tanya Bennett

Poppy the Chinese Crested pup

(Photography by Tanya Bennett)

Shimmer the poodle was smoking a French cigarette in one of those glamorous plastic holders, her husky voice from too much brandy and smoke filled the air and for effect she put on a French accent to gain attention.

‘We must have something to do on Sunday’ Shimmer said in a loud voice sounding like a mix of Gerard Depardieu and Manu from ‘My Kitchen Rules’.

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Shimmer the poodle (with a French accent0

(Photography by Jeni Sach)

Penny the Scottie dog appeared oblivious to the whole drama and was now handing out Tunnocks Tea Cakes and shortbread which have been known to solve all problems in the world, just as any Scottish person the power of a Tunnocks Tea Cake and shortbread.

‘Would you like a tea cake?’ Penny asked Rocco in her soft Scottish accent that made one think of the old program ‘Take the High Road’.

‘What’s a tea cake?’ Rocco asked and before Penny could answer, grabbed one and swallowed it whole so that his slender neck had a sort of round shape halfway down – just like in a cartoon.

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Penny the Scotty dog

(Photography by Studio Joy)

‘That’s it, I am going to shit the bed’ Rogue the Staffie threatened.

Brutus who had decided to join the conference call grinned at that point and offered to give Rogue tips; after all he was king of ‘shit the bed’ and could do it to order.

‘Well I for one am furious and demand to see my lawyer’ Chewy shouted as Millie the Border collie barked in agreement.

 Chewy

Chewy threatens lawyers

(Photography by Studio Joy)

Dee’s ridgebacks were too lazy to join the conference call but were yelling suggestions in the background much to Pippin’s horror. You all know Pippin, he likes things organized and everyone has their turn and there is a turn for everyone.

‘Mouse, any suggestions for Sunday?’ Pippin asked Mouse who was staring at her painted toenails and admiring them.

Shrugging her shoulders Mouse replied that no, she had no suggestions unless anyone had a cork to put up Benders arse to stop him farting.

‘Rocco – do you have anything to say?’ Pippin asked the angry Italian greyhound who was having an ‘angry-contest’ with Bentley who I may add gives Rocco a run for his money with Tourette’s as he has been known to run around the park insulting much bigger dogs and shouting things like ‘turd head’ at them.

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Bentley the Italian Greyhound, he is prone to swearing and outbursts like Rocco

(Photography by Denise Pringle)

Ignoring Pippin, Rocco carried on talking to Bentley about an article they had read; called ’20 ways to insult a Labrador’.

Pippin clapped his paws together and said ‘OK then, if there is nothing more to be said, then we shall all plan for the next meeting in October and insist on double helpings of burgers as compensation for Sunday’s meet being cancelled.

‘Oh yes, and it has been decided by myself as head of the Iggy Group and general organizer of nothing in particular, that Brutus should win the Good Boy Award for this month’ Pippin added smiling at Brutus who was busy chewing his feet.

‘What again? He is the only one that wins that award’ Rocco snorted with laughter.

‘Shhhh, don’t upset him, he is still a baby and you know he throws himself on the floor and makes himself sick. Let him have his pretend award’ Nica hissed to Rocco as quietly as she could without Brutus overhearing.

Madam Gigi shook her head in disapproval, really Rocco was getting quite raucous and since he had made friends with Bentley, he had started wearing leather jackets and tight white T shirts and both boys had called themselves the ‘T Birds’ just like in the movie Grease and would chew gum in an insolent manner and smooth their ears back with hair gel.

Brutus reminds me of a racing greyhound I saw on TV in the UK once. This dog was the slowest dog ever so his trainer decided to run him on his own, complete with a crowd cheering and then praised him for being a winner and he even had his own trophy. Although the dog didn’t actually win any race as such, he was so pleased to hear the crowd cheering and get his trophy, he didn’t care that he was actually the slowest dog in the world.

That is how Brutus is you see, each time he gets the Good Boy Award, he is so proud and really believes it is real and of course in my eyes – it is.

All dogs deserve the Good Boy Award at some point in their lives and the more often you recognize them as ‘Good Boys’ (or girls), the better.

Good boy

Brutus prays for his Good Boy Award

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

‘Did I really win that award?’ Brutus looked confused, staring at his friends on the conference calls, they all had enough compassion to agree that yes, he had won the Good Boy Award.

Brutus wagged his tail so hard and grinned at Benny the Pharaoh hound on video call and whispered ‘You see, I am a good boy’.

‘Right, if nobody has anything to say, then I declare this crisis meeting over’ Pippin smiled and then put his notepad down and 3 of his 6 mobile phones.

‘I have something I would like to say’ Rocco shouted loudly.

Sighing, Pippin responded ‘Yes Rocco’.

IMG_6577 Rocco has the last word

(Photography by Samantha Rose)

‘Bollocks, great big fat hairy bollocks – to the lot of ya’ Rocco yelled and then flashed his bum to the camera.

And with that every dog in every house that was connected to that call, burst out laughing and clapped in appreciation of Rocco’s sense of humour and personality.

And that my friends; is how the meeting ended – on a good note which is how it always ends with these dogs.

They love their lure coursing; they love the socialization, the treats, the fuss, and the attention – catching up with their friends.

It’s not just a sport, it is a date for our social diaries both humans and dogs alike where after each meet, we all regroup on Facebook and dissect the day and discuss the funny moments and what our dogs got up to.

At each meeting you can guarantee that at least one dog will escape and make its bid for freedom. You can be assured that at least one dog will steal a sausage to the cheers and approval of their mates.

You can bet your life that Dee’s famous chocolate cake will be gone in seconds and everyone will enjoy the sausages/burgers as diets will be forgotten – because what happens at lure coursing stays at lure coursing (especially calories).

So now our dogs have sorted out their social calendar and have quickly moved on, it is over to you guys.

What shall we do this Sunday?

Have a lovely weekend.

Thank you to Amy from Studio Joy for kindly allowing me to use her beautiful photographs.  Amy works tirelessly at West Coast Dog Sports spending hours taking photographs of our dogs and it is much appreciated by everyone.

If you are Perth based and are looking for an animal photographer, you can contact Amy via her Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/PhotographyStudioJoy?fref=ts

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright September 2014

All photographs are copyright, please do not reproduce or copy without the consent of the individual photographer.

The Fastest Dog in Australia – The Finals and the Results!

 Image

It was the last day of the contest to find ‘Australia’s Fastest Dog’ and one of the WA clubs –  Lure Coursers Anonymous (LCA) were holding their event at the Naval Base, Kwinana.

The day was going very well and as usual there were several dogs that had tried to make their bid for freedom – one joyously happy greyhound called Abigail that decided that yes, she was selectively deaf and could not hear her owners calling her as she tried to join Mouse Norris on the track for a chat.  It is pretty much ‘the law’ that at least one dog should escape and make a bid for freedom and this day was no different.

ImageAbigail – single girl, likes to chat and enjoys shopping when she isn’t racing

‘Lovely weather today for a run’ Abigail the greyhound said happily as she galloped along side Mouse; who told her to kindly ‘Piss off’ because she wanted to chase the lure instead of chatting about frivolities.

Mouse studio joyMouse wearing her ‘race face’

(Photography by Studio Joy)

Lure Coursing – it’s a social event

10409145_662020710552645_5152004044825946281_nLure coursing – a social affair for all

Many people don’t understand lure coursing nor the benefits and values of it.  It isn’t just about your dog chasing a mechanical lure because believe me not all of them want to chase the lure.  Some of them enjoy the run, some of them enjoy the freedom and some of them do enjoy chasing the lure but one thing they all have in common and that is every dog enjoys the day in general.

The socialization aspect for dog owners and dogs alike, each dog getting extra attention and love lavished on them, perhaps a nice piece of hot dog from the sausage sizzle, or a doggy treat from one of the rescue stands.

Lure coursing events usually raise money for a cause of some kind and this event was raising money for was ‘Everything Beagle’ and ‘K9 Rescue’ not to mention for the lure coursing club itself so that equipment can be maintained/purchased and subsequent events can continue.

So as you see – there is much more to lure coursing than chasing the lure – it really is more of a social club with a multitude of positives and benefits to it.

Back to the event

It was all happening at the course, one of the Afghans was doing its ‘floating down the track like black silken cloth’ routine (as described by my husband), whilst shouting ‘Yippee, I am running free, look how long my legs are, aren’t I marvelous!’  I have seen this Afghan do this before and never tire of watching it either.

10501728_1507362672826214_762521810464220973_nYay! Look at my legs!

(Photography by Studio Joy)

A bulldog called Duke was watching from the sidelines pondering as to whether or not he should enter.  Having short legs and a squashed face, he knew he wouldn’t be the fastest by a long shot but that wasn’t really what it was about and being a good sport, he agreed to make his owners proud and enter anyway.

Bulldogs make up for in personality what they don’t have in snout and can be exceptionally stubborn when they want to be but Duke had decided he would give it a bash and see how it went.

Duke’s owner released him on command to start his race and with the best intentions, Duke went to chase the lure and show off his racing prowess while waddling down the track like a little pig searching for truffles.

After only going for a short while, Duke muttered ‘Bollocks to this, I can’t be bothered’, and then let out a huge fart comparable to the ones my brother used to do after consuming broccoli.  Duke then promptly took a piss up the orange barrier, plodded along for a bit and then after a while, went back to his owner – much to the delight and cheers of the other dogs that always seemed to find a bit of canine rebellion hilarious.

10314731_1507399359489212_2620425477991190388_nDuke – are you taking the piss?

(Photography by Studio Joy)

A Scottish deer-hound X called Fergus was in the process of enjoying some coffee froth before his race, maintaining that he could not possibly run without it.  With his strong Scottish accent, Fergus was yelling various things using Scottish words that the other dogs couldn’t understand but as they were all fascinated by his grey beard and long legs, they just pretended that they knew what he was talking about.

‘Ronald where’s ya trousers!’ Fergus shouted to anyone that would listen and anyone that wouldn’t.  (Google the song ‘Ronald Where’s ya trousers’ to see what I mean)

fergusFergus – the Scottish Deerhound X enjoys his coffee froth

‘Fergus, it is time for your race!’ His owner told him and started to lead him to the release area.

‘Good luck lad, give it your best shot!’ One of the beagles shouted.

‘Is it normal for a dog to have a beard like that?’ Mouse Norris asked Brutus who shrugged his shoulders and replied ‘I am not sure but I think he is a wizard in disguise’

But all that was forgotten when Fergus romped home with such good speeds; that all discussions of his grey beard had been forgotten as the other dogs celebrated and cheered as he had done so well.

The dogs were a delight to watch and there is nothing quite like watching a dog run as though ‘the gate has been left open’ where for just those few minutes, they run free, they run their own personal ‘race’ and then they run into the arms of their proud owners and perhaps that is a lesson for us all – to ‘run as though the gate has been left open’

10428510_1507358209493327_6726719958960631723_nLayla the beagle – running as though someone left the gate open!

(Photography by Studio Joy)

A female Belgian Malinois known as ‘Z’ had to be bribed to let the lure ‘survive’ in return for a tug rope. ‘Let me have it, let me eat that lure, give it to me now, OK give me the rope instead and I will destroy it’ ‘Z’ said in a rather demented voice.  With all thoughts of the lure forgotten, ‘Z’ was taken out of the coursing area back to her crate while firmly attached to a tug rope.  Trade-offs are highly important in lure coursing, I mean why should a dog part with a plastic bag of a lure if you have nothing better to offer it?

Image‘Z’ a Belgian Malinois

The little dogs ran their legs off, the salukis sat aloof in their area preferring to discuss beauty, rabbits and the modern day dog.

A little beagle/cavalier mix called Sam had such a lovely time running that he couldn’t stop barking, even while running his heart out.

‘I can’t breathe’ Sam shouted out as he ran down the track while barking for Perth.

‘Stop talking!’ A Samoyed shouted back ‘And you might be able to you – daft thing!’

10452343_10152245341273037_4578178218962868170_nSam – not stopping for breath as he barked round the course

(Photography by Studio Joy)

Treats for all!

It was rather nice as there were stalls where you could buy treats for your dog, collars, leashes, toys, cups/mugs and just nice souvenirs of the day which is always a good thing in my book.  After all, I don’t know about you but I love having treats to show for the day to look back on and admire.

I had been intending to buy Brutus a bedtime coat for some time but as he had eaten one that Lexie had put on him when I was in NZ, I was a bit dubious.  Besides, Brutus is an odd size and shape and doesn’t fit the ‘normal’ sizes in dog coats.

Vest

Brutus – rather an odd shaped dog

I had been liaising via Facebook with Lesley from ‘Muttrugs’ of WA who make dog jackets to measure, so imagine my surprise to find her at the lure coursing event with her stall.  Lesley tried on one of her polar fleece jackets with a belly strap on Brutus to see how it fitted him.

‘This is nice, can I have it?’ Brutus asked me with his eyes silently promising that no, he wouldn’t eat it and yes, he would and could be a good boy.

‘Promise me you won’t eat it’ I pleaded with Brutus who looked sheepish and said he would do no such thing and whilst it might not be ‘his colour’, it was in fact, made out of his favourite material – baby soft polar fleece.

Brutus as many of you know, loves his soft baby/puppy blankets and being very thin skinned, highly muscled and little or no fat on his body, is very sensitive and feels the cold quite badly so the right jacket material is imperative for him.

Once fitted, that jacket never left Brutus’s back except for when he did his race and then it went straight back on.  It didn’t seem to bother him either, he enjoyed wearing it and enjoyed being warm and even when the other dogs called him a ‘Girly brown bum’, Brutus didn’t care as he felt all ‘wrapped up like a cuddle’ in his jacket and was very proud of that fact.

I was quite amused to see the greyhounds wearing their ‘Onesies’ that Lesley had made them and she was flat out busy measuring various dogs for new clothes so I was thrilled with Brutus’s polar fleece house jacket as you can imagine, although scared it might be eaten at some point like everything else I have bought him.

10419486_661982620556454_931739908848174159_nLesley (Muttrugs) and Brutus – showing off the new housecoat 

Lesley I must add; really is marvellous by the way, honestly – she can make your dog any jacket and the quality is rather superb and I can highly recommend her, you can find ‘Muttrugs’ on Facebook (based in WA).

Hub of activity!

It was a hub of activity; greyhounds were strutting their stuff looking ever-so-slightly bored by anything that wasn’t a lure, some dogs were barking.  The beagles were holding some sort of meeting while the salukis were chatting about dog shows.

Some rescue dogs were gathering round telling their stories of their life in rescue kennels before they were adopted and what it felt like to be adopted.

Other dogs just stared at their owners eating hotdogs, drool coming from their mouths in festoons as they silently willed them for a piece of sausage and always remember, nothing begs quite as efficiently as a dog with big jowls.

Honestly, if you opened your ears, heart and imagination to the surroundings you could hear it all and it was like being privy to ‘Planet Dog’ and I was highly proud to be part of it.

First time for everything!

It was Brutus’s first time doing lure coursing with corners and I will freely admit to being nervous about this as it was a new venue for us and the first time ever that I wasn’t at the other end to catch him.

‘What do I do, where do I go, who am I?’ Brutus said sounding so scared that I thought he might refuse to run.

ImageBrutus nervously waits his turn to race

‘Please don’t social-butterfly, please don’t escape’ I said aloud – you may have even heard me saying that if you were standing nearby. ‘Social-butterflying’ by the way is where Brutus stops at the side of the fence and introduces himself to people/dogs ‘Hello, the names Brutus, pleased to meet you’.

But I needn’t have worried; Brutus did really well and ran quite fast for him.  He took the corners well and despite my fears that he might social butterfly, when he turned the corner and saw me; he ran right back to me  and in to my arms like a champion.

ImageBrutus – Thou Shalt Not Social-Butterfly When Racing

(Photography by Studio Joy)

I wanted to cry as I was so proud of him and that sounds daft but this was a huge deal for my lad and I had to hug and kiss him when I caught him at the end.

Oh yes, I wasn’t sure who clapped but I heard someone clapping when I caught him and hugged him – thank you whoever you were, Brutus gets so excited when people clap and he always thinks it is for him (sometimes I clap when he brings me his toys because he loves the applause).

‘Did I win? Did I win?’ Brutus asked me proudly. I never have the heart to tell him no, he didn’t win overall but he always wins ‘his own personal best’ and my own ‘Good Boy Award’.

10514484_663023367119046_5440793577039023180_nBrutus – running and smiling because he loves it!

(Photography by Studio Joy)

A couple of people actually recognized Brutus from this page which was rather nice and he got quite a bit of attention. I never know whether to admit to writing these stories when people ask as I never know how it’s been taken or if it offends anyone.  After all, just because my dogs have social lives and swear, it is not the same for every other dog – I just tune in and listen to it and write it down.

Mouse Norris who had already run in her first race, was now resting and had gone all ‘rock n roll’ on us and trashed her beautiful pink collapsible soft crate – one of which I was going to order for Brutus but now I know better as if Mouse can wreck hers, Brutus will sure as hell as eat his!

‘Go on Mouse, all the famous people wreck their hotel rooms’ Brutus encouraged his friend as Jet Ska tried hard to fix it but realizing it couldn’t be fixed, collapsed the cage up while Mouse had her hind leg in her water bowl.

ImageMouse Norris going ‘rock n roll’ and trashing her crate while Brutus looks on

‘I am cold, I want my crate, and I want to lie down NOW’ Mouse shouted in a demanding voice.

Jet tried to put down a nice padded mat for her but somehow Mouse ended up wearing it while Brutus went on about rock stars and stuff, after all in Brutus’s eyes, Mouse was his own ‘rock star’.

Brutus was thoroughly over excited because he was hanging out with the greyhounds not to mention flirting with a very pretty whippet puppy who had asked him for his phone number which he promptly refused on grounds of her being too young.

ImageMouse Norris – loving that lure!

(Photography by Studio Joy)

Beagles need homes too!

WA group called ‘Everything Beagle’ had their stand at the event and a large rather chunky beagle dog called Baylen wearing half rimmed glasses was serving the public and handing out leaflets about beagles.

Now I know you probably think I am mad and don’t believe that a beagle dog could possibly run a beagle rescue stand, let alone wear glasses and converse with the public. But you really are going to have to trust me on this one, just ask Sharon Macbeth Harris from ‘Everything Beagle’ if you don’t believe me, I am sure she will back me up.

‘Hi, I am head of the beagle stand – you can call me Baylen the beagle.  Would you like to support our rescue group?’ Baylen asked random members of the public and then added; ‘It’s all in a good cause, we have marvelous snouting abilities you know, if you lose your food we can guarantee to find it’.

Looking highly efficient and official, Baylen the beagle was rustling through papers and leaflets about how to adopt a rescue beagle, occasionally chewing on a biro pen, he kept an eye out to see who was taking notice of his stall.

‘Franky, good luck my lovely and make sure you do us all proud and remember – if it moves – eat it’ Baylen yelled to a solid looking beagle who was trying to do press ups to warm up and impress the bitches with his fitness.

As Franky the beagle was released, all the other beagles gathered round to shout support and encouragement to their friend from the sidelines.

It all started off well but Franky the beagle did not get very far when he looked up and said ‘Bugger this, I can smell food – can you smell food? I am sure I can smell food, let me find that food’ in a voice sounding not unlike a robot and before you could blink, Franky had decided to abandon the lure and go off snouting for food as the other beagles cheered him on purely for trying.

‘Oh dear, a good beagle is always guided by thy snout’ said Baylen the beagle as Franky was led off the course by his owner.

ImageFranky the beagle – and like all good beagles, loves his food!

(Photography by Studio Joy)

Baylen the beagle was actually very pleased with Franky’s effort in the race and despite him not finishing the course; it really was quite marvellous the way Franky went in search of food like a good beagle should.  Personally, Baylen thought he would make a super ‘sausage search and rescue dog’ where instead of searching for people lost in the mountains, he could search for sausages instead.  Can you possibly imagine a more enviable and perfect job for a beagle?

Talking of snouting ability, I was at Auckland Airport in April and had declared my medicines as you should and this very important looking beagle followed close to my feet, turned round to the Customs officer and then pawed my rucksack while shouting in a Kiwi accent ‘This chick has drugs on her!’

I mean, I know there is being good at your job but did the beagle have to say it so loudly?  Thank god I wasn’t subjected to the ‘rubber glove’ treatment as I would have died and thank god I declared my prescriptions but this rather efficient looking beagle was a ‘dog with a job’ and his job is to sniff out drugs.  But not all beagles sniff out drugs, most prefer to sniff out food.

A group of naughty beagles were by the sausage sizzle egging their friend on to steal a hotdog.  ‘Go on, I dare you, down it in one!’ a beagle bitch said to her friend.

‘Do you think I should?’ The  beagle replied.

‘It would be positively criminal not to, besides – one has to think of the starving dogs in countries that cannot have hotdogs and eat it on their behalf’ the beagle bitch said firmly as the other beagles nodded vigorously in support.

‘OK, here goes!’ the beagle said while checking to see if his owners where looking and then as quick as a flash, jumped up to the table where some poor unsuspecting customer had left their hotdog, and literally inhaled the hotdog leaving nothing more than a tomato sauce stain on his snout.

‘Good job!’ the beagles all shouted looking ever so impressed.

‘Shhhh, be quiet, they are looking for their hotdog!’ One of the beagles whispered loudly as the others all put on their angelic facial expression so nobody except a beagle owner would realise how naughty they had been.

The person was looking round for their hotdog, with a confused and bewildered expression on their face, they stared several times at the table and then around them but did not for one minute suspect it was a beagle that had robbed them of their hotdog.

And I guess unless they ever read this blog, they never will because if you look at the face of a beagle, you would never believe it yourself.  In fact, I would not have believed it had I not been told so by someone who witnessed the whole affair and that person for their own protection, shall remain anonymous because the beagles will not be happy to be dobbed in for hotdog theft which carries a mandatory sentence of no treats for a week.

Meanwhile Baylen the beagle who was in charge of the Everything Beagle WA stand was trying to promote beagle ownership and rescue.

‘Anyone interested in adopting a beagle? Come on ladies and gents, your life isn’t complete without a beagle in it!’ Baylen said in a cheerful voice before lifting his leg and peeing up the corner of the table and having a snout around on the grass for crumbs of food.

‘Would anyone like to consider adopting Billie? She is one of ours and has been waiting for a home where she will have a nice bed, toys and a family to love her?’ Baylen the beagle shouted to various people walking past.

Baylen was desperate to find Billie a home and had many a conversation with her where he had to try and calm her down when she had become so upset at the thought of never having a family, that she actually became quite inconsolable.

‘I don’t think anyone will want me as I am not a young puppy, I am 7 years old’ Billie had said to Baylen the beagle a few days ago.

Baylen the beagle tried to comfort Billie and replied gently ‘That is a good thing, not everyone is after a puppy or a young dog.  You are just like a  ‘ready prepared meal’ and all good to go, as in you are house trained, you have grown into yourself, you know who you are and what is expected of you’

‘I just want what everyone else has – a family and a home to call my own’ Billie said quietly and then shuffled off to lie down fearing that she would never have her own toys, her own collar/leash, identity tag, her own bed, her own people to love, her own food bowls and her own garden to protect and dig.

All she wanted was to turn up to one of the lure coursing events like the other beagles and proudly show off her family like Franky did.  To have her family enter her in a race and cheer her on like Brutus’s Mum did even though he wasn’t very fast and to win the Good Girl Award’ like Brutus’s Mum makes him win the ‘Good Boy Award’ because she loves him so much.

Billie dreamt of being hand fed a bit of sausage from the sausage sizzle, and perhaps even be bought a treat or two afterwards – maybe a pigs ear for being a good girl in the races.  To have a toy box so full of toys that she wouldn’t know which one to play with first so would probably try and stuff several in her mouth.

In return she vowed she would be a good dog, guard the house, protect the family and provide a warm furry shoulder in times of need.

Because in all my years of working with animals, there is nothing and I emphasise that word NOTHING quite like a rescue dog that has been adopted, when he/she walks out with his/her family to his/her new home for the first time with their tails wagging and their eyes full of hope.

It isn’t too much to ask – is it?

549216_489448227786320_1397826679_n

72338_10151333097908317_1510278889_n

A collar, leash, toy and ID tag – all part of a Beagles Prayer

Can you help Billie the Beagle

Billie is a 7 year old female beagle, please don’t be fooled by the grey muzzle as she is a very young dog at heart and has a lot of life to live and love to give.  She is ‘ready made’, toilet trained, loving, mature yet fun and knows how to behave.

Could you be the person that brings Billie to the next lure coursing event to show her off to your friends, enjoy the sausage sizzle, the general atmosphere and hang out with the cool Beagle Crew?

If you are living in Western Australia and are interested in adopting her, she is available through the Facebook group Everything Beagle WA, please contact everythingbeaglewa@yahoo.com.au

‘A Beagles Prayer’

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a sofa for me to sleep

A family and a nice warm home

A place to love and call my own

Amen

Billie

Billie the beagle – looking for a home

(Photo by K9Kate Pet Photography – http://www.k9kate.com.au)

Time to go home!

10452306_662020313886018_1965263950095129292_nIt’s all a bit too much for Brutus!

Brutus only took part in one race, he was totally exhausted and was not used to the distance so I had decided to pull him from the second run and take him home.  After all the more tired Brutus gets, he goes floppy and refuses to move and at 34 kgs, he is a whole hunk of puppy to carry.

‘I don’t want to go home!’ Brutus sobbed as he could see his beloved Mouse in the distance, standing by her family glancing wistfully at the lure.

And like any child being taken away from a party, Brutus looked longingly at his ‘mates’ as they stayed behind, while making telephone gestures with his paws and mouthing ‘call me’ to Mouse and her friends.

‘FaceTime later tonight to get the results!’ Mouse shouted to Brutus who nodded gratefully back at her.

It took some persuading as well to get him to the car but once he was in the back of my Yaris, he was asleep before I had even pulled out of the car park and literally had to be lifted out of the car when I arrived home.

Later that evening

As I said, every respectable dog that evening was sitting by their computer. Now you will remember at the Guildford race meet with West Coast Dog Sports, Mouse won fastest dog on the day and Brutus came 8 out of 11 in the unregistered large category.

Brutus after having his puppy nap, was wide awake and on the phone to Mouse who was also conference calling Pippin who was on one of his THREE phones, to Gidget who was on the phone to Vader the boxer.

The computers were also out and video calls/FaceTime calls were taking place for maximum State wide contact.  Rocky had a laptop and Brutus was on his bed with his mobile phone to Mouse.

‘The results are in from Lure Coursers Anonymous!’ Pippin shouted from Denise’s lap as he had borrowed her iPad.

Pippin

Pippin checks the iPad to report for WA

‘Damn it – I thought I had nailed it’ Mouse muttered and momentarily looked somewhat annoyed. But being the good sport she is, Mouse sighed, smiled and then added ‘Well done Abigail for coming first, well done Angie for coming second and bloody well done to me for coming third!’

*Now these results are ONLY for the WA contest for Lure Coursers Anonymous (LCA) and will be added to the West Coast Dog Sports (WCDS) results and then the fastest times will be added to the Australia National results to find the Fastest Dog in Australia*.

Mouse was actually very happy as she had already won ‘fastest dog on the day’ in two other WA contests with LCA and WCDS coursing clubs.

Pippin was biting his nails, Gidget had farted with nerves which shocked everyone as she is a lady and NEVER farts.  Vader was flicking boxer snot all over the walls and growling at himself as Tess refused to argue with him.

Now the gangs’ beloved Mighty Mouse had her initial results, they were all keen to see how Brutus had done – Brutus, the cross between Scooby Doo and a Kangaroo.

VADER

Vader the boxer – waiting to see how Brutus has done

‘I know I didn’t win, I am not very fast but Mum is so proud of me’ Brutus said down the phone to Mouse.

Rocky who was behind him while furiously pacing up and down and herding invisible sheep  which he always does when he is nervous. ‘Let me check the laptop’ Rocky said sharply and then sat down on the bed to see if there were any updates.

Rocky on macbook

Rocky – impatient for the results!

Still wearing his beautiful new pyjamas, Brutus was curled up on his bed with his favourite Tony Abbott doll.  He wasn’t sure what to expect as he had never entered any kind of contest before so these feelings were new to him.

He had taken a while to be accepted on the doggy circuit and now he had friends, like real proper friends and a sort of girlfriend in Mouse even if Mouse fancied the lure more than Brutus, he was still proud to be seen by her side.

Not to mention all of the Iggys that he had become pals with plus Benny and Isis the Pharaoh hounds, Dee’s ridgebacks – especially Bailey and Mac who taught him how to fart and blame it on someone else.

‘Brutus, your results are in for large unregistered for Lure Coursers Anonymous’ Mouse said on the phone to Brutus.

‘Oh my god, oh my god, I am so scared – I might have gastro’ Brutus squeaked in his puppy voice that is now broken and sounds like a foghorn.

Brutus on laptop

Brutus wanted to check the results for himself

‘That’s not gastro Turd Legs, that will be the cows hoof you had earlier’ Said Rocky matter-of-factly.

‘Brutus, are you listening?’ Mouse demanded while Bender and Barbie yelled in the background for her to get on with it and was now play-bowing and knocking ornaments over because she was bored.

‘Yes Mouse, I am listening’, Brutus whispered, too scared to speak any louder.

‘There were 14 large unregistered, Fergus came first – that was the dog with the Scottish accent that had the grey beard; and you have come 11 – not a bad effort at all Turd Legs’ Mouse grinned as she read the results down the phone.

Brutus was rather proud to see that his friend Isis the Pharaoh hound had done very well.  Isis like every respectable dog in Australia, was sitting by her computer awaiting the results and was thrilled to see she had won the fastest Pharaoh hound on the day.

Isis

Isis the Pharaoh hound checks her laptop

Pippin was now so excited that he had forgotten his composure and was now bouncing everywhere, Vader wasn’t sure what to do so he barked at invisible friends, Rocky was cracking open some ‘Kelpie beer’ and Brutus had gone back to his bed with a smile on his face, thrilled that he had been placed somewhere – anywhere on that list.

‘What happens now Mouse?’ Pippin asked Mouse who was busy having her ears smoothed back by Bender who was very proud of his sister.

Barbie had her new spectacles on and was trying to use the calculator to get a rough idea of running times. Frustrated because she couldn’t get it to work, she tapped it with her nose, gave up and knocked it to the floor while muttering ‘bugger it’ and stuffed her snout up Bender’s bum.

‘What happens now is Sandra Burrows from the Australian Lure Coursing Association Inc is gathering all the results from each State that entered to get the fastest dog’ Mouse said firmly. Mouse knew things you see, she was as clever as she was pretty.

‘Brutus – are you there?’ Mouse said to Brutus.

(No answer)

‘I think he has gone’ Mouse said and then added ‘But he did bloody well for his first course with turns on it and he is rather a clumsy bugger as well’

And every dog in the group agreed that Brutus had in fact done very well indeed.

As for Brutus, he was curled up on his bed and snoring his head off and yes, he was still wearing his new dog coat.

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Sweet dreams Brutus!

‘Mouse, I can’t wait – seriously I can’t wait’ Barbie said impatiently and then nipped Bender on the bum because she was feeling naughty.

Bender looked round and snapped ‘Will you leave my arse alone please’

‘No, I can’t’ Barbie replied back to a surprised Bender.

Bender was never very good at arguing with women  and just resigned himself to the fact that Barbie had a thing for his butt.

Back at Pippin’s House

‘Pippin, where is Mouse on the final list?’ Bronte asked Pippin who had now extended his talents to three mobile phones a Macbook and an iPad for communication to the Eastern States of Australia and the rest of WA.

‘Shhh, I am trying to do FaceTime QLD’ Pippin said in a voice as sharp as his nose.

‘Good evening QLD – do you have the results for the Fastest Dog in Australia?’ Pippin asked.

Kath 2

Kath the greyhound

(Photo by Jeff Fitzpatrick Photography)

Somewhere in QLD…..

Several dogs sat in the living room getting ready to give the results to Western Australia. It was a hotbed of excitement and anticipation and there was a smell of success, well actually it was wind and it was quite revolting but to dogs, wind equates to success.

A large female greyhound called Kath, with a snout that could open a can of beer and ears like the handlebars off a bicycle sat at her laptop having a FaceTime conference call with Pippin.

Behind Kath sat Ruby the Kelpie who was typing ridiculously fast to document the evening. Wearing half rimmed spectacles and occasionally sipping a Dog-o-cinno coffee, she was obviously taking her job very seriously.

Ruby the Kelpie June 14

Ruby the Kelpie

(Photo by Jeff Fitzpatrick Photography)

Pippin’s friend – Italian greyhound AMEX was also on his laptop trying to do his bit for QLD and was straining his eyes to read the writing, he was representing the Iggy’s of QLD and was also linked up in the conference call to Kath the greyhound as well as Pippin.

AMEX

Amex – doing his bit for the Eastern States Iggys

Amex the Iggy in QLD was secretly supporting ‘Team Mouse’ although he couldn’t admit it to anyone for fear of reprisals.

A large brindle dog called Barney who rather liked to refer to himself as an ‘Australian Sausage Snouting Hound’ (mixed breed) was sitting behind Ruby and Kath on his bed taking notes while occasionally washing his genitals through boredom totally forgetting he was on camera.

Letting out a huge fart, Barney pretended it wasn’t him and it was only when Kath started to make gagging noises, that he blushed and owned up much to Kath and Ruby’s disgust.

Barney the Supervisor

Barney – taking the minutes!

‘Good evening Western Australia, this is QLD here – I think there is going to be some delays before you receive the final results’ Kath said.  Unsure if she had been heard, she pressed her long snout right up to the computer leaving a large nose mark as she muttered ‘Bugger this, I don’t think they heard me’

‘Yes we heard you Kath and yes – we are ready to receive our results’ Pippin said importantly.

‘Ohh, this reminds me of the Eurovision Song Contest where they say ‘Nil Points’ to Luxemburg for their crappy songs’ My cat Gordon sniggered as he was listening in via my computer which was being managed by Rocky who was shaking with excitement.

Gordon has seen many a Eurovision song contest in the UK I might add, as have I and I always remember the ‘nil points’ part of it and used to laugh until the UK had a dreadful run of ‘nil points’ themselves and then I quickly stopped laughing.

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Gordon the cat – he knows all about the Eurovision Song Contest!

‘QLD – how is it looking?’ Pippin asked Kath the greyhound who was now squeaking a toy rabbit from boredom.

‘Western Australia – you could be in for a long night, are you prepared to wait?’ Kath asked.

‘Oh we have to wait up Pippin, we MUST wait, don’t make us go to bed!’ Bronte shouted, causing her Mum Denise to jump out of her skin.

By now dogs nails had been chewed from nerves and god knows where the owners were because every laptop, every phone in every home was being used by a dog – in fact, the whole day/night belonged to the dogs of Australia and the owners were merely surplus to requirements unless there was food on offer.

The whole of the Australian canine world was on the edge waiting for these results and although there could only be one winner, each and every dog knew that the other had run its heart out and had some damn good fun along the way.

People had made new friends, dogs had made new friends and socialised, hot dogs were eaten and inhaled by beagles, money was raised for charity and despite the vast distance and differences between each State of Australia, a key message was being sent around the whole country – Lure coursing, a fun sport to bring people and their dogs together.

‘QLD – do you have any news?’ Pippin asked Kath the greyhound who was now on her back with her legs spread apart flashing her ‘lady-garden’ in true greyhound fashion.

‘Nothing yet WA, but let’s be on our guard. I call a toilet break’ Kath replied.  Barney nodded in agreement and ran outside so he could fart again without making Ruby vomit.

‘Toilet break everyone!’ Pippin declared ‘Regroup in 5 minutes and please, nobody take a shit until after the results’

The dogs ran into the garden for to do a pee with the exception of Brutus who could not control himself and took a shit the size of a small child.

‘Don’t blame me, blame the hotdog’ Brutus blushed as Rocky looked disgusted that Brutus couldn’t hold himself let alone pass something quite so huge.

Soon everyone was back in their respective positions ready to receive the results of Australia’s Fastest Dog competition.

‘Hello Western Australia, are you ready to receive your results?’ Kath the greyhound said in a loud Queensland accent.

‘Hello Queensland, yes we are ready to receive them’ Pippin replied.

‘Good luck everyone’ Gordon said quietly under his breath.

Kath the greyhound took a deep breath and said ‘The winner of the Fastest Dog in Australia Contest, with a run time of 7.28 seconds, is the greyhound Abigail from Western Australia!’

‘In second place with a run time of 7.441 seconds, is the greyhound Angi from Western Australia!’

‘In third place with a run time of 7.533 seconds, is the greyhound Mouse Norris from Western Australia!’

At the House of Mouse

Mouse went very quiet, Bender and Barbie stopped what they were doing. ‘Did they just say Abigail took out the title of Fastest Dog in Australia?’ Barbie said sounding shocked.

Bender look boot-faced and but remained motionless as he waited for Mouse’s reaction.

After what seemed ages, Mouse wagged her tail and grinned ‘Good on her, she did bloody well, besides WA took out the title – go us!’

Barbie nodded her head and wagged her tail and after a few seconds, Bender started running round the living room shouting ‘WA did it! Go Abigail!’

Abi winner

Abigail (WA) – the Fastest Dog in Australia

(Photography by Studio Joy)

‘We did more than that Mouse, you came third so that means that three WA greyhounds took 1st, 2nd and 3rd place – that is more than alright!’ Barbie said sounding absurdly pleased.

‘Yeah, that is more than alright!’ Mouse grinned and even let Barbie have a sniff of her bottom because she was so happy.

At Pippin’s House

Kath the greyhound was busy sorting through papers to pass on the winners of the other categories.  Straining her eyes for a better look, she read the results that Sandra Burrows had sent to her and then read them again.  No, it can’t be!’ Kath said aloud.

‘What’s up?’ Barney asked her

‘Kath, what is it?’ Ruby demanded to know.

‘That cheeky old devil!’ Kath smiled and then went back to her video call with Pippin.

‘Western Australia, are you ready for the results for the Fastest Italian Greyhound section of the contest?’

Pippin wiped some gravy off his mouth, coughed a bit and went to his laptop and replied ‘Go ahead Queensland, we are waiting for you’

‘The winner of the Fastest Italian Greyhound in Australia, is……’ Kath held back.

‘Yes, come on QLD, out with it’ Pippin said fretfully.  Really this was taking far too long for his liking and his warm bed was calling him.

‘The winner of the Fastest Italian Greyhound is you – Pippin Pringle!’ Kath said and forgetting she was representing QLD in the presentation of the contest, added ‘Well done my friend, well done!’

(sounds of dogs clapping and cheering/dogs barking from all over Australia)

Somewhere in the Northern Territory – where the crocs are ‘boss’, the kangaroos are big and the dingos roam

Now whilst the Northern Territory did not compete in this contest, the dogs of the NT were still tuned in so I thought it only fair to give them a mention.

A group of dogs sat outside a pub all discussing the contest and as Pippin’s results came through – the cheers were quite deafening.  And although the NT dogs didn’t enter themselves, they were so very proud of any dogs that did and cheered Pippin on as though he were ‘one of their own’.

Pippin’s House

Pippin stopped talking mid sentence, looked around at Bronte and then back at the computer.  Forgetting he was still connected to Mouse, he could hear her shouting and squealing like a puppy as she congratulated him.

Amex who was in QLD still tuned into the conference call was crying – all the Iggy’s would be so proud, no matter what State they were from, they totally supported one another.

Dear little Pippin – the organiser and ‘keeper-together’ of all the other dogs, Mouse’s ‘main man’ and ‘public liaison’, who despite the long course, took part and ran his ever so tiny little legs off and had was now the fastest Italian greyhound in the contest/Australia.

Pippin looked around and then looked at the computer ‘Did you say I won out of the Iggys?’ he said quietly.

Kath nodded and smiled ‘Yes, you most certainly did and Isis got the fastest Pharaoh hound’

Quickly composing himself, Pippin coughed and then went back to the computer, picked up one of his mobiles and called Isis the Pharaoh hound.

‘Isis, you got fastest Pharaoh hound in Australia’ Pippin told her without a trace of emotion in his face and voice.

Bronte kept her eyes on Pip, she was so proud that she could burst, and burst she did as she pissed herself all over her new outfit.

‘Excellent!’ Isis replied happily, she couldn’t wait to tell everyone the results.  What she couldn’t see was little Pippin quietly crying into his computer because he couldn’t quite believe that he had done so well.

PIpp

 Pippin – a very proud Iggy

At the House of Mouse

‘Congratulations Pip, bloody marvellous!’ Mouse shouted down the phone to wish her friend and confidante well in his achievement.

‘Thanks Mouse, well done to you as well – you were pretty fast yourself’ Pippin replied.

‘Yeah I guess, I am pleased for Abigail though – rumours have it she will be getting a sausage for her efforts’ Mouse said knowingly (Mouse knew everything you see).

‘I think we all deserve sausage’ Pippin said, ‘Does anyone know Brutus’s overall time?’

‘Nope, but Kath the greyhound will know’ Mouse said and then thought to herself ‘I wonder how Brutus went?’

‘Good evening QLD, how did Brutus do?’ Pippin asked Kath at the QLD Headquarters, Kath who was now lying down eating a rather large bone, was caught by surprise and had to wipe bone blood off her snout before talking to Pippin.

‘Brutus, let me check’ Kath said trying to regain efficiency which was fading fast as she was tired and hungry and the novelty of doing Eurovision style reporting was wearing off as she actually wanted to do ‘whizzies’ round the garden and bark at invisible rabbits.

‘Brutus, let me see – Ah yes, Brutus, his time was 11.503 seconds, he has come 26 out of 33 dogs from his category of Large Unregistered’ Kath reported to Pippin.

‘Mouse, did you hear that?’ Pippin asked her on the phone.

‘Yep, I heard – let’s wake him up and tell him’ Mouse shouted to Rocky on the other phone.

At Brutus’s house

‘Brutus, wake up – we have your time for the race’ Rocky said gently to the exhausted Brutus who was snoring like a pig while snuggled up to his Tony Abbott doll and a carrot.  Looking ridiculously cute, he could melt the hardest of hearts.

Abbot

Brutus, Tony Abbot and the carrot

‘Times? What times? Is it dinner time? Brutus asked sleepily and then swallowed a few times and licked his lips because he had just woken from a dream about sausages.

‘You came 26 out of 33 for your category – not bad at all’ Rocky said in a rather proud voice. ‘Here, Mouse would like a word with you’ and handed Brutus the phone.

Gordon was nodding his head and looking very impressed with his canine brother.  Brutus is not a fast dog, he is a heavy and bulky dog and ever so clumsy but one thing is certain, he loves his lure coursing and this was quite some achievement for him.

‘That’s not bad is it Mouse?’ Brutus said feeling proud of himself.

‘No my friend, it certainly isn’t’ Mouse replied back to him.

Back in the Northern Territory

The dogs had just heard Brutus’s results and were very pleased for him.  Not being able to work out his breed, they had decided that he was a mix between Scooby Doo and a Kangaroo.

‘He’s a lanky bastard that Brutus’ The red cloud kelpie muttered and then added ‘But he’s a good bloke’.

And even the kangaroos that had been hanging around agreed with him.

Pippins House

‘QLD – we would like to thank you for your hard work in this event and also everyone at the Australian Lure Coursing Association Inc for allowing this event to take place’ Pippin said in a new energised polite voice.  Wiping his eyes and snout to compose himself, his whole demeanour had taken on a new level of pride.

‘WA – we would like to also thank you for participating in this event and we look forward to collaborating with you on it next year.  This is a final goodnight from all of us in QLD – thank you for your time’ Kath replied and then after a few seconds of enjoying the moment, she closed the laptop.

‘Thank god for that, can I fart now?’ Barney asked desperately before letting out an exceedingly poisonous guff causing Ruby the kelpie to nip him sharply on his bottom.

‘You dogs are so childish!’ Kath the greyhound snapped and then took her bone and jumped up on the sofa to relax.

Amex’s house in QLD

‘Pippin won! Pippin won!’ The tiny little Italian greyhound jumped up and down because he was so happy but noone must ever know that he was supporting Pippin and Mouse in WA, he really ought to have been supporting his own side but hey – friendships are friendships and once you get good friends, no State in Australia should be the divider.

Pippin’s House

The Iggy’s were all telephoning Pippin to congratulate him, Nica, Fletch, Madam Gigi, Rocco, Gidget to name but a few were all now talking in super high pitched voices because they were so very proud of their beloved Pippin.

‘We should have a party!’ Rocco shouted.

‘But only if you don’t try eat anyone Rocco’ Madam Gigi replied and the other Iggy’s laughed while Rocco decided that perhaps on this occasion, he wouldn’t.

Abigail’s House

‘I would like to thank my Mother for giving birth to me and my owner for loving me’ Abigail the greyhound was practising her acceptance speech for her win and deciding which collar to wear.

‘Abigail my love, I don’t think there will be any speeches’ Her owner said gently to the black greyhound who was so proud that her chest cavity had almost increased in size.

‘That’s what you think’ Abigail muttered and then carried on rehearsing.

Brutus’s House

All the dogs were totally exhausted, having been fed and watered and now tucked up in their beds, they were sleepily discussing the days events.

‘It was a good result, I am pleased how well our friends have done’ Brutus told Rocky.

‘You didn’t do so bad yourself either lad’ Rocky replied.

‘Goodnight Rocky’ Brutus whispered to the little black kelpie dog who was curled up in a tight ball on his bed.

‘Night Brutus’ Rocky said back.

Then within five minutes, they were both fast asleep and Brutus just like every other dog that had entered the contest, was dreaming of lure coursing, sausage sizzles, playing with Mouse and just being an all round ‘Good Boy’.

The End

Sofa Face

Brutus – The Good Boy

Thanks and Acknowledgements

(for the past two Fastest Dog events and photos used in this blog)

Photography

Thank you to the following photographers that have kindly allowed me to use their professional photographs for the benefit of this blog entry:

Studio Joy Photography

Phone: 0430 549 346

Email amyjoy2213@gmail.com

http://www.facebook.com/PhotographyStudioJoy?fref=ts

K9Kate Pet Photography

Phone: 0403756967

http://www.k9kate.com.au

Jeff Fitzpatrick Photography

Phone: 0400 371 401

http://www.jgfitzpatrick.com.au

And to everyone else that has allowed me to use the photographs of their animals.

*Please note that all copyright remains the property of the photographer.  If you would like copies of any of these photographs, you will need to contact the photographer directly but please do not use, copy nor reproduce without their permission*

Lure Coursing Clubs/Associations

Thank you to the Australian Lure Coursing Association for their recognition, support and promotion of the sport and for organising and overseeing the first ‘Fastest Dog in Australia’ competition which has really helped get more interest in lure coursing.

And thank you to Sandra Burrows and everyone that worked so hard and so tirelessly to put the competition together and in turn, bring the States together.

West Coast Dog Sports (WCDS)

Thank you to Dee Cole, Melissa Jones and every single person involved in this club (too many to mention and I am sorry if I have left people out).

The events are well organised and good fun and have opened up a whole new world for many of us and our dogs – thank you.

Lure Coursers Anonymous (LCA)

Thank you to Gina House and her team for a wonderful day last Sunday in what was the final event for the Fastest Dog competition.  The team worked so hard to make it run well and did a marvellous job of doing just that.

It is nice to have another club for geographical convenience, plus I enjoy both clubs so thank you for giving so many of us that option.

Lure Coursing Queensland (LCQ)

Well done in the competition guys – excellent results and bragging rights!  Thank you all for being such good sports and allowing me to include you in Brutus’s stories and providing me with dogs for my characters.

Adelaide Lure Coursing and Racing Club

Really looking forward to seeing you next year guys and including you in the story

The Rest of Australia

Where the bloody hell were ya? (only kidding – perhaps next year?)

Everyone else

And finally thank you to each and every person and their dog that entered this contest and made it so fabulous.

 Lure Coursing Web Links

Australian Lure Coursing Association Inc.                         http://www.alca.asn.au

Lure Coursing Queensland                                               www.qldlurecoursing.com/

West Coast Dog Sports                                                    www.wcds.com.au/

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright July 2014