Pippin is not amused

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Urgent News By Walkie-talkie (just like they did in the war)

Pippin Pringle had called an important meeting of all dogs that attend lure coursing.  He wasn’t sure what it was about but knew it was urgent as Dee Cole had asked for it to happen and Pippin had to in turn, relay the message.

‘But why do I have to leave my nice warm bed for this meeting?’ Millie the border collie said impatiently.  She had a DVD put aside for that night about sheep herding and the modern-day bitch and had no plans to leave the house.

‘Not sure, but if Pippin has asked for it then that is what we need to do’ Brutus replied and then added ‘Come on Vader, stop dragging your jowls’ to Vader who looked as though he had lost his bottom lip the way his head was near to the floor.

Vader I should add, was feeling very sorry for himself as he had stolen Lexies’ marshmallows and had scoffed an entire packet and was now feeling sick.

Zara, Olive, Nica, Gigi, Rocco, Cino, Pino, Fat Harry, Apollo, Starbuck, Poppy, Woody, Fletch, Soobi, Bronte to name but a few had now gathered in Pippin’s living room to see what was going to be announced.

Even Bundy the Samoyed (AKA The Town Crier) was there just to announce everything and anything that might need announcing as he was rather good at that.

‘Z’ the cop dog was there in full uniform, just to give the boys a thrill as some dogs like a female dog in uniform and Z wore it so well.

Eugene the Angry Afghan was there fighting with himself while Bentley was trying to interrupt with Eugene’s invisible friend and tell him to piss off.

Mouse Norris looked thoroughly bored by the wait and was now admiring her nails and talking about the raw food diet with Barbie.

Basically it was a full house and the dogs were impatient at what news was going to be relayed to them.

Millie the border collie

(Photograph by Belinda)

‘I am tired, I want my bed’ Brutus cried to Vader who nodded his head in agreement.  Having the attention spans of goldfish, the boys couldn’t stay interested in anything for long.

Brutus – wants his bed

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Millie who has never been known for her patience and has even sat up all night waiting for lure coursing, had decided to go over to where the tiny walkie-talkie was placed on the mantlepiece.

Picking it up and turning it on, she could just hear the ‘hissing’ of a badly tuned radio, feeling frustrated she tried to shake it.

‘Millie, what are you doing?’ Pippin demanded impatiently and snatched it from her and tuned it in.

‘Are we there yet?’ Brutus demanded to Rocco who calmly told him to ‘Shit off’ and then went back to washing himself.

‘I believe that we could be at war!’ Bundy the Samoyed announced to nobody in particular and when they ignored him, he shouted ‘Long live the Queen’ and when only Gigi responded, he decided to give up.  There was no point in being the Town Crier if nobody listened to you.

‘Shhh, I can hear something!’ Millie hissed to everyone and waved her slender black and white paws to shut everyone up.

Aside from Rocco, Bentley and Eugene having fights with their invisible friends, everyone else was quiet – except for Soobi and Olive who were tickling each other and chewing on each others snouts in a game of ‘bitey face’.

‘Hello, this is Mac – Dee Coles Ridgeback, can you all hear me out there?’ A loud deep booming voice of a Rhodesian Ridgeback filled the air.

‘Since when did he get such a sexy voice?’ Bronte giggled to Gigi, Hershey, Nica and Starbuck.

‘Will you be quiet you lot, I am trying to listen’ Pippin growled and then pressed the button to speak.

You see – walkie-talkies are used for urgent announcements as they are far more dramatic than phones and stuff.

‘Mac, we can hear you – please go ahead with the announcement’ Pippin said in his ‘BBC English’ accent (think of a posh voice from the olden days announcing ‘Britain is at War’ and you will get the drift).

‘Good evening everyone, we regret to announce that due to bad weather predictions, lure coursing is now cancelled for this Saturday and Sunday.

‘As we still have memories of dogs floating off down the polo grounds at last years storm and cages sailing away and being found in other countries, we thought it safer to cancel’  Mac barked in his powerful voice.

‘Oh my god, I think I am going to die right here and now!’ Millie shouted dramatically and then behaved like any border collie who has had her sheep removed from her, and promptly threw herself on the floor and sobbed.

Taking a deep breath, Pippin replied ‘Thank you Mac and goodnight from us’ and then quickly turned the radio off and faced the group of dogs that were in his living room.

Met with a canine wall of silence, this was Pippin’s worst nightmare.  There was nothing quite like a group of dogs (and good friends) that had been looking forward to lure coursing, to have Mother Nature literally piss on their parade and cancel it due to bad weather.

‘Did you say cancelled?’ Brutus asked as his bottom lip quivered.

‘Cancelled?’ Vader added.

One by one it was echoed around the room ‘Lure coursing cancelled?’

‘But how shall we spend our weekend now?’ Madam Gigi demanded.

‘I could organise a day of vomiting but that would only take an hour’ Nica said out loud.

‘I might just have to die’ Eugene the Angry Afghan growled and then accused his invisible friend of orchestrating it all and started to swear at him.

As the other dogs all shouted their protest, Starbuck and Poppy sat under the table and cried, Chewy hid behind his fur while Mako and Apollo were already on the phone to a dog psychologist to book a counselling session.

Bundy the Town Crier had decided that he had kept quiet for long enough and was no barking ‘Everybody, save yourselves and your family before they get eaten.  We are now at war and lure coursing has been cancelled because the weather is going to be crap – may your souls be saved!’

Pippin takes control

Pippin was not amused and had taken a few moments to stand outside to get away from the upset dogs protesting in his living room.  Several had now started arguing with invisible friends and were barking at fresh air and accusing it of severe weather control and ruining their lives.  Mouse Norris was now threatening to go on a hunger strike and Barbie was threatening to join her.

Normally a kind, placid and gentle dog, Pippin was upset that their doggy plans had been ruined.  However he knew that safety had to come first and the lure coursing would not have been called off if it was at all avoidable.

After taking a few minutes away from the group, Pippin took a deep breath and marched back inside.

He didn’t need to say much, they all stopped fighting, arguing and in Nica’s case – vomiting, and stared at him, silently pleading with him for direction and answers.

‘Right you bunch of girls, lure coursing is cancelled for our own safety, it has been put off for a week and thank god it has too because none of us want to be injured slipping on wet grass’. Pippin said to the group.

‘Save your mothers, fathers and save your dog chow!’ Bundy barked in his Samoyed voice.

‘Bundy please be quiet’ Pippin growled at Bundy who blushed and stopped shouting his announcements.

‘Who wants to be on the course anyway in thunder and lightning, not me that’s for sure and everyone knows dogs like us melt in the rain!’ Brutus said loudly.

Several dogs nodded their head in agreement as the Iggies also remembered that they actually do melt in the rain, well Brutus melts in the rain himself so I guess he knows what he is on about.

‘Apollo told me that thunder is the dogs over at Rainbow Bridge having a party over our heads and having fun’ Starbuck said to  Poppy who said that she had heard the same thing.

‘Right, you lot can find your own entertainment for the weekend and you can all work on your techniques for the Fastest Dog in Australia second heats in a weeks time’ Pippin nodded to the group.

‘Fancy coming to mine to watch some naughty videos on dog training?’ Brutus asked Millie who grinned back at him.

‘Yes, sounds good – will you be there Vader?’ Millie barked in Vader’s direction.

‘Yep, count me in!’ Vader agreed and then asked Brutus to pull his paw so that he could fart.  A very childish habit that the boys developed from a young age where they simply would not fart unless the other dog pulled their paw and made it more dramatic.

Finally the dogs left Pippin’s house to go back to their own homes. You could all hear them discussing the nights events as there was seldom anything bigger than lure coursing being cancelled, aside from the Fastest Dog Comp.

Goodnight Pippin

‘Glad that is over and done with’ Pippin said to Bronte and went to close the curtain.  As he did so, he could hear Bundy’s unmistakable bark doing his ‘Town Crier’ bit.

‘Don’t worry everyone, it is a war effort and we all need a cup of tea, tea solves everything’ Bundy shouted.  Pippin smiled at Bundy who was shouting stuff about cups of tea – Bundy is such a funny dog.

As Pippin watched his friends disappear out of sight, the last thing he saw was Bundy taking a piss up someones car.

Closing the curtains, Pippin thought to himself ‘Tea?  Yes I think I could do with a mug of tea after the night I have had’

‘Cup of tea Bronte?’ Pippin asked his sister.

‘Don’t mind if I do’ Bronte replied and followed him to the kitchen to help him make it.

‘They were quite well-behaved really, all things considering’ Bronte said to Pippin as she pulled out two bone China cups from the cupboard and found a China teapot and stuffed a few teabags in it for good measure.

‘Yes, very well-behaved really’ Pippin smiled, ‘All things considered of course’.

But what Pippin didn’t see was Brutus, Vader, Bentley, Rocco and Fat Harry pressing their bottoms and leaving ‘marks of bum’ on the neighbours cars and Eugene the Angry Afghan doing a monster turd in someones garden and getting a large lump of poo stuck to his pantaloons much to the admiration of Chewy who tried to shit his own pants so he could copy him.

But other than that, yes – they were very good dogs indeed.

The End….

Lure Coursing for Guildford Polo Grounds Cancelled this Weekend Due to Predicted Severe Weather Conditions.

Sadly this is true and for safety reasons lure coursing has been cancelled for this weekend which is fair enough as the dogs safety is paramount.

There is talk of the Fastest Dog heats taking place the weekend after but this is yet to be confirmed – details will follow.

Sam Rose (C) Copyright May 2015