Brutus learns the real meaning of Christmas

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Brutus

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Brutus and Rocky were in the living room discussing Christmas and their shopping list. Gordon had just done an Exorcist style vomit over the dining room and had gone back to his food bowl to ‘replenish what had been lost’ much to Rocky’s disgust and Brutus’s admiration.

‘So what do you want for Christmas Brutus?’ Rocky asked him.

Brutus looked thoughtful ‘I don’t want much really, I would like a honking pig as Mum killed mine in the garden, I would like some more flappy toys, a spare gingerbread man, maybe a squeaky Santa and another snake, I would like a new collar and ID tag – not one of those crappy collars, perhaps a doggy stocking, a new camp bed for my bedroom and a new stuffed rabbit’ he finished looking absurdly proud of himself for being what he thought was ‘restrained’.

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Brutus with last years gift that ‘exploded’ all by itself in the garden

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Rocky gasped ‘Not much? That is a huge amount Brutus and most dogs don’t get that much and some dogs don’t get anything at all’.

Gordon said nothing but stopped eating to listen to the boys talking. Inwardly he was shocked though as Brutus had lots of toys, admittedly some had ‘exploded’ all by themselves in the garden but he never went without that’s for sure.

‘What about you Rocky?’ Brutus asked him. Stretching out on the sofa, Brutus snuggled his head down on the red pillow and waited for Rocky to tell him his Christmas list for Santa Paws. Brutus loves Christmas and every year in the three Christmas’s we have had him, he makes me tell him bedtime stories about how Santa Paws visits all the dogs and leaves them food and bones that their owners have bought them and given to Santa for storage.

Rocky shrugged his shoulders ‘Well last year I wished for my hips to be not so painful and a bit better, but I have already got that present now because Mum bought me special powder to go in my food and they are so much better although I still can’t walk as far as normal kelpies’.

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Rocky is a simple kelpie dog with simple needs

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘But I would like some new tennis balls to replenish my collection, I would like a generous slice of turkey if Dad can spare it, I would love to be able to get on the sofa with Mum and Dad and maybe even play with my fluffy penguin after lunch.

‘Of course we usually get a collar each year and I love the Rogz collars and always have a red or a blue one and an ID tag is nice as we usually get one every year as well.

But my best gift is when Mum does her Skype call to the UK and gets to talk to her family and I get to talk to her Daddy – AKA John Stocken because I have met him, I think he could be referred to the doggy version of our Grandad if such a thing exists’, Rocky said knowingly. A wise kelpie beyond his years, Rocky just knows ‘stuff’ and is an oracle of information.

‘You know John Stocken? How?’ Brutus demanded, feeling more than a little jealous of this as he only ever hears my Dad over the phone when he calls me.

‘I have met him’ Rocky said smugly, ‘He came to Perth once and threw my tennis ball and rubber chicken for ages, we had fun, we had cuddles and everything and I slept outside his room for 3 days after he flew back because I missed him so much’.

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Rocky, Dad (AKA – John Stocken/Daddy Stocken, and the rubber chicken – Rocky on the left looking camouflaged!

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

The two dogs fell silent for a bit and all you could hear was the sound of Gordon occasionally crunching his cat biscuit.

‘But Rocky, I don’t understand – most of your presents are not sold in the shops so where would you buy them? How would you get them?’ Brutus asked looking puzzled.

‘That’s just it Brutus, Christmas isn’t about how much money is spent on things or how many toys and bones your owners buy for you, it is about the stuff that money can’t buy.

‘Time with those that love you, video calls to friends and family, nice food, cuddles, turkey dinner, the stuff you can only do or speak about with people you love. You can’t buy any of that in the shops.’

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Rocky creating his own memories on one of our road trips

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Sure having toys and stuff is great but those memories last a whole heap longer than any toy that explodes in the garden’. Rocky finished.

‘But what about my toys, I love opening my toys?’ Brutus frowned.

‘You know out of all the stuff on your list Brutus, the one that is the most important above everything else?’ Rocky asked him.

Brutus shrugged because he didn’t know.

‘The collar and ID tag that Mum gets us and pays to have engraved to say we have a home and family of our own. The rest doesn’t matter’ Rocky said.

Brutus quietly walked off to his bedroom and stared at his bed which contained one of his fluffy blankets, his beloved Tony Abbott doll, his stuffed rabbit, his penguin, his honking hedgehog, his bear, baby teething ring and his deer antler.

It wasn’t a too shabby collection of toys, next to it was a bowl of fresh water and a food bowl, his camp bed and behind that a cupboard containing some more freshly washed blankets in case he shit the bed (don’t ask!) and needed his bum washed and fresh bedding.

He walked back into the kitchen and stared at Rockys bed which had been hand made by Cuzz Bro’s Creations, covered in a red blanket, a Julie Gillard doll, another Tony Abbott doll and a gingerbread man which Brutus thinks is his but it really belongs to Rocky, plus a deer antler, bowl of water and food bowl.

Walking into the dining room Brutus noticed a selection of leashes, head collars, a collar, Rocky’s muzzle and Brutus’s camo harness. Brutus also took in the toy box in the garden packed to the top with toys and his recent birthday present of Fat Cat (flappy cat) and his snake he got from Dee Cole at the Funky Dog Company, as well as shit loads of tennis balls scattered around the garden.

Nothing more was said that afternoon about presents from either of the dogs. Gordon never asks for anything anyway and still has toys from when he was a kitten, even his plastic bed belonged to our cat before him – Bruno and is about 20 years old and Gordon loves it. Gordon likes simple things like bird feathers or being allowed to chew my bras (bastard).

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Gordon  – almost 15 years old and an all round naughty boy and member of the ginger club

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

So today I had to go and do my Christmas shopping and I hate shopping, like really hate it unless I am in a pet shop and then I love it.

‘What would you like for Christmas boys?’ I smiled at them as I was about to leave.

‘Tennis balls would be good and a new ID tag’ Rocky smiled at me.

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I shall have a tennis ball please Mum and lots of cuddles and turkey

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘But if we can go to the farm area on Christmas Day so I can catch up with the sheep that would be good as well’ Rocky added.

‘How about you Brutus?’ I asked him.

Brutus stared at me, his red/brown eyes bore into mine, expecting a long list I got ready for his demands of toys/bones etc.

‘If you can see fit to buying me a new honking pig to replace the one you squished in your car that would be nice, and a new ID tag because I have scraped the writing off mine on the wall when I rub myself against the bricks every morning’ Brutus growled.

‘Is that all? Are you sure?’ I asked him, this was news to me – Brutus is the King of Christmas lists and has even resorted to writing his lists on an entire roll of toilet paper to fit in what he wants which involves half of City Farmers.

‘Some turkey dinner would be nice and if I can be with Rocky when you Skype Daddy John Stocken and everyone else that would be brilliant’ Brutus barked at me.

Shrugging my shoulders I smiled at them and went off to do my shopping while secretly wondered if someone had swapped my dog with a newer angelic version.

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Brutus the Good Boy

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

After I had gone shopping

‘Did you mean that?’ Rocky asked Brutus, he could barely believe what he had just heard.

‘I’ve got loads of toys, I’ve got pretty much everything really and as you say, the rest of the stuff can’t be bought’ Brutus said firmly.

Rocky looked at his brother in admiration, nudging Brutus affectionately with his snout, Rocky grinned ‘Except for the honking pig – they are $11.00 in the supermarket because I have checked on Mum’s computer’.

Brutus laughed and wagged his tail ‘Yes, let’s not forget the honking pig’.

Driving

Going in the car to look at the sheep – cost? Priceless

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Gordon sat washing his anus from the other chair, at almost 15 years old he had seen many Christmases as you can imagine and he had realised long ago that the best Christmas is one that creates memories and not shopping lists, like the time he ate tinsel off the tree and had to shat it out with my help pulling it from his bum (now THAT is a memory!).

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You thought I was joking about the anus!

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Three hours later I returned with very little in my bag as shopping had been a total nightmare, we don’t have children so not much to buy anyway really. But what there was in my bag; was a packet of tennis balls and a honking pig.

And in the post winging its way to me is an envelope with two bone shaped ID tags for the boys all engraved with the best present a dog could want – their owners details and enough phone numbers on there to show the world we love them.

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The most important things – the famous honking pig, collar, ID tag and a bone. These were Brutus’s first things bought for him when he came out of hospital after being critically ill.

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Merry Christmas everyone, thank you for the lovely comments and support so many of you have given this page over the years.

Samantha, Gordon, Rocky and Brutus

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright December 2016

A Forbidden Love (Bronte and Rocky)

It was Sunday afternoon and Rocky was in a bad mood as he hadn’t had a good walk in ages, he was also pissed off because he doesn’t have any friends because he hates everyone, including his invisible friends that all dogs have – just ask Rocco about that.

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Rocky in his Kelpie Spectacles

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘What are we doing today?’ Brutus demanded in a bored voice. Brutus always assumed things had been organised for him and kind of expected it.

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Brutus always expects stuff to be organised for him

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Rocky shook the absurdly large newspaper that he was reading, taking a deep breath he peered over the top of his kelpie spectacles which are just like Harry Potters spectacles except that they are for kelpies.

‘We are probably doing nothing, I hate everyone and I hate everyone even more today’ Rocky snapped and then bent down to chew his anal glands.

Brutus who is not good at ‘reading’ other dogs, shrugged his shoulders and trotted off to Rocky’s bed to steal his gingerbread man who had taken Tony Abbott’s place for suckling time when he needed a comforter.

Unknown to Rocky I had been messaging Denise Pringle asking if she fancied going to North Lake for a walk with Pippin and Bronte and I would bring Rocky.

Telling me that yes she would meet me in the car park I then set about breaking the good news to Rocky that he was to be meeting Pippin and Bronte and Brutus would be staying home with Dad to ‘help in the garden’ (dig the crap out of it).

‘What do you mean I can’t go? I always hang out with Pippin?’ Brutus protested with his bottom lip quivering.

‘What does she mean I can’t go?’ Brutus repeated to Rocky who grinned and replied simply ‘You go everywhere, it’s my turn now – catch ya later alligator!’ Rocky barked back at Brutus.

‘Come on Brutus, go to your room – I have put some treats in there’ I reassured him.

‘Not going, won’t go, can’t make me’ Brutus said in a high pitched voice and then promptly threw himself to the floor (I am not joking either)

Brutus sulking twice

Brutus – an expert on sulking

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

The large brown dog buckled to the floor and started to howl. Now the reason for him not going was because I am working on Rocky’s behaviour and confidence around other dogs and he is far better when he is not with Brutus and Pippin has a calming influence on him.

Eventually I got Brutus to his bed and placated him with a carrot but not before he threatened to do rude things with it and the last I heard of him was him threatening to self harm as I drove off with Rocky in the car.

‘Yeah, this is so cool! Do you mind if I drive?’ Rocky grinned at me.

‘No, you are not driving’ I said firmly.

‘Oh well, I shall yell stuff out of the window then’ Rocky shrugged and before I could stop him; he was calling a Jack Russell terrier a ‘flea bitten stumpy legs’.

Soon we pulled up at North Lake and Denise, Pippin and Bronte arrived minutes after we did.

‘Hi Rocky!’ Pippin’s face beamed through the car window as he steamed it up trying to talk and greet Rocky.

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Rocky and Pippin – members of the Sensible Club

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Rocky who is so sensible and full of self control, tried to contain himself but as he doesn’t have any friends except for Lexie’s Tess and Pippin and Bronte, he was absurdly pleased to see the two little dogs. He was especially pleased to see Pippin as on the whole and when they are not being corrupted, are both very sensible dogs that wear spectacles and read large newspapers with big words and get on very well together.

‘Hi Rocky, do you think I have my figure back after my babies?’ Bronte said flirtatiously to Rocky who looked approvingly at her skinny bum.

‘Bronte, don’t be so forward!’ Pippin reprimanded her. Bronte looked boot-faced at Pippin and winked naughtily at Rocky causing him to blush and look away.

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Rocky and Bronte – a forbidden love

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

‘Call me’ Bronte mouthed and did a phone gesture with her paws before running off ahead so that Rocky could get the full benefit of her svelte figure and pretty purple outfit.

‘Girls, I will never understand them’ Pippin sighed to Rocky, ‘Now – shall we discuss what has been happening in the UK as I understand they have voted out and I am not sure what that means for exporting dog collars and clothes’

Rocky pretended to listen but kept a beady eye on Bronte who kept turning round to see if he was looking and remaining in one place just long enough to catch his glance.

It was a very pleasant walk and aside from discussing politics, Rocky and Pippin had a jolly nice time that involved treats from Denise’s pocket, discussing the benefits of making ones bed explode and the glories of rolling in horse shit.

‘You see this is the equivalent to Facebook, if I pee on that post then you have to pee on where I have peed’ Bronte said confidently to Rocky as they trotted beside each other.

‘Oh I see, let me see if I can get a bit more out’ Rocky replied and then cocked his leg up a tree and was followed by Pippin who had enough pee for all three of them which made them all laugh.

Anyway the rest of the walk went very well, treats were given and eaten, bottoms were sniffed and the three dogs just enjoyed each others company.

At the End of the Walk

‘Oh I wish I didn’t have to go home I have had so much fun’ Rocky said to Pippin while looking longingly at Bronte who was smiling back at him and doing her ‘call me’ gestures again and was frantically sending Rocky a text. They always have had a bit of a forbidden crush on one another much to the horror of Nica, Zara and the rest of the girls.

‘We can meet up next time old chap’ Pippin patted Rocky reassuringly on the back. Knowing that Rocky had bad hips, Pippin always liked to do his bit for the disabled and felt that it was no trouble helping Rocky as the two had become quite good friends and members of the ‘sensible club’ – well we won’t count the time that Pippin ended up in a lap dancing club run by whippets as that is another story.

Rocky was reluctantly put in the back of the car. With his black snout pressed against the window, he yelled out through the gap ‘Catch ya later Pippin’ and before Pippin could see him, Rocky gave a cheeky wink to Bronte who waved back at him.

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Sweet Kelpie Dreams (of Bronte)

(Photograph by Sam Rose)

In Denise’s Car

‘What a lovely boy he is, so polite and handsome’ Bronte sighed as she settled into her bed.

‘Bronte!’ Pippin chastised her.

‘Well, he is jolly handsome’ Bronte barked back and then huffed some steam on the window and drew a love heart on it with her paws.

‘Rocky is too sensible to have flirtations with Italian greyhounds’ Pippin said firmly.

‘Yeah, I guess he is – but a girl can try….’ Bronte said quietly.

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(Photograph by Sam Rose)

Back at Home

‘You are such a bastard, I hate you, I am never talking to you again!’ Brutus sobbed as Rocky jumped out of the car.

Ignoring him Rocky took a pee up the garden pot, well he had actually used his pee allocation while out with Pippin and Bronte and was now doing invisible pee, but even invisible pee counts when it comes to dogs.

‘I said I hate you and I am never talking to you again’ Brutus said loudly and as if to prove a point, he squatted down and pissed down his own legs. Brutus always looks as though life got a bit too much for him and when he gets upset he gets very loud and very cute.

‘You just did talk to me silly’ Rocky laughed.

‘I said I am never talking to you again, that’s it!’ Brutus started to cry and remained by my car as Rocky marked his spots around the garden to make sure that strange invisible dogs had not infiltrated our security system while we were out and my husband was in bed or whatever he did while we were out.

Later that afternoon

Having thawed out somewhat and deciding that he was totally unable to ignore or be ignored, Brutus decided to ask Rocky about how it went with Pippin and Bronte.

‘Well she is very nice isn’t she, she looked so beautiful in that purple outfit and she has lost so much weight – you wouldn’t believe she had not long had pups’ Rocky said as his face softened at the memory of the afternoon.

‘You fancy her don’t you?’ Brutus burst out and then catching Rocky blushing furiously, he stood up and farted with excitement. ‘You do, you fancy her, you fancy Bronte Pringle!’

‘You are SO childish, I don’t know why I bother with you’ Rocky growled and nipped Brutus smartly on his brown bum to shut him up and made him cry.

Curling up on his bed Rocky hid under his blanket and pretended to be asleep.

‘Rocky, are you asleep?’ Brutus whispered, ‘I am sorry, I didn’t mean to say you fancied Bronte, I know you prefer sheep to girl dogs, I was just joking’ Brutus who was mortified that he had upset his brother.

Rocky stayed silent and kept his eyes tightly shut until he was sure that Brutus had gone back to his own bed. But clutched tightly between his paws was a photo of Bronte that she had texted him plus her mobile number with a message saying ‘Call me’.

But the question is – will he?……

To be continued…..

 

The Christmas Nativity Iggy Style – Part Two

NativityVader (top left), Brutus (top middle), Fat Harry (top right)

Nica (left) Shelby (right)

Chewy (bottom)

Every year at Christmas time, the Iggies usually put on an event of some sort which involves drunken debauchery and lots of high jinx.  But this year Pippin Pringle wanted the Iggy club to do something a bit different from the usual party and decided to hold their own version of the Christmas Nativity – Iggy style.

Pippin hoped that the dogs would learn many valuable life lessons from doing the Christmas Nativity or even just one lesson would be good.

‘But what can we possibly learn Uncle Pippin?’ Mako, Rambow and Apollo asked him in unison.

‘I don’t know but I am sure there will be something’ Pippin replied.  Good god, he hoped they would learn something too because every Christmas some kind of learning experience usually happens.

Pippin had been looking forward to this nativity for ages and had thoughts of well-behaved, well-trained Iggies with no rudeness or swearing or anything.  Yes, yes, I know – a dog can dream can’t he?

It wasn’t going to be like your traditional Christmas Nativity story as Pippin had ‘tweaked’ it and adapted it to suit the Iggy club but that was OK as the Christmas spirit was there plus peace and goodwill to all dogs and their owners kind of thing and that is what matters.

The story had been cast, rehearsals had been done and it was now the night of the event which was to be held at a secret venue.  Bouncers had been hired in the form of Teddy – a French mastiff and Sultan – a ridgeback/staffie.

One could be forgiven for thinking that Iggies do not need bouncers but Pippin didn’t want to take any chances with his big production and the two big dogs were put in place as doormen, wearing their outfits and looking every inch the protector (and splitter up of squabbles) of the tiny dogs inside the building.

Max and paddySultan (left) and Teddy (right) – keeping the peace

Like any production, it was a hub of excitement behind the scenes at the venue. Sounds of barking, yelping and a bit of swearing could be heard.  Iggies with their stick thin legs skidded around the floors and jumped over furniture, Olive had already been told off for making Zara jump high stuff without her bobble head helmet to stop her hurting herself.  Nica was vomiting from nerves, plus she thought it quite appropriate to puke before a show because the audience would think she was a brave girl for soldiering on.

Brutus, Vader and Fat Harry were being dressed up as the three wise men and had all been given tablecloths or sheets from their Mums’ houses with bathrobe belts to tie around their waists to keep them in place.

Chewy was playing the baby Jesus which he was thoroughly over excited about.  He was already in his crib wearing his Christmas outfit, he looked quite comical as his mass of red fur puffed out in his special ‘Kings’ outfit his Mum Sarah had bought him from London.

He was quite happy about his part because Chewy like many dogs, was thrilled to be given the opportunity to lie in a crib and have to do very little.  Brutus was hugely jealous of this and would have given his last bone to sleep in that crib – never mind the fact that he couldn’t fit in it and it took some placating from Pippin to tell him that as well as being an overall ‘Good Boy’, he was also a rather marvellous candidate for a wise man.

Nica and Shelby (and his testicles) were playing the Virgin Mary and Joseph.  Nica thought she looked nice in her robes.  As for Shelby, he just planned to rest up on his enormous testicles and gloat at everyone else that didn’t have a set of their own.

Starbuck who was playing the shining and guiding star, was suspended from the ceiling dressed in a shiny gold star costume.  With a big grin on her face, she rocked back and forth from the rope with her tiny hind legs kicking out while secretly wondering if she could swing high and far enough to knock the huge Christmas tree down in the corner.

‘Starbuck, do you have to show QUITE so much enthusiasm, I don’t think stars are meant to swing like that!’ Pippin yelled from the ground.

‘Oh star of wonder, star so bright, Apollo set my knickers alight’ Starbuck sang happily as she built up momentum on her rope and carried on swinging.

‘Did she just say her knickers were on fire?’ Phoebe asked Carlo.

‘That was very rude if she did’ Carlo shook his head, ‘but it is funny’.

‘Right everyone – lights, camera, action!’ Rocco growled through his megaphone.

The audience waited with anticipation, dogs and owners alike sat proudly in their chairs, each convinced that their pet would be the best.

‘My Fat Harry is a wise man’ Cathy whispered to Lexie who was sitting next to her.

‘So is my Vader’ Lexie nodded proudly.

‘My Nica is the Virgin Mary’ Francesca grinned to Denise Pringle who was sitting behind her.

‘My Shelby is playing the part of Joseph’ Gabrielle replied.

‘Talking of wise men, where are they?’ Denise sighed.

‘Not sure, but they should be out…..’ Carolyn started to say.

Sounds of shuffling could be heard, the curtain at the side of the stage was moving and quite suddenly Fat Harry came skidding along on his bum across the stage as Rocco shoved him out with so much force that he nearly knocked Chewy out of his crib.

‘What did you do that for?’ Fat Harry shouted to Rocco who flipped him the bird and poked his tongue out.

Standing up and making attempts to re-compose himself, Fat Harry cleared his throat and said ‘I am one of the wise men and I am checking out to see where baby Jesus is, although I am useless at map reading so he could be anywhere’

‘Oh my god, that is not part of the Christmas nativity!’ Cathy said to Denise Pringle.

‘It most certainly isn’t’ Denise Smith whispered knowingly.

‘I think Pippin is letting them do their own thing this year’ Denise Pringle replied but secretly wondered which direction this production could take – it could all end in tears (probably Pippin’s).

Brutus and Vader were also wearing sheets and belts, had started shuffling along the stage.  Taking his place next to Fat Harry, Vader adjusted his belt and looked in the audience for his Mum Lexie and spotting her; he started to wave enthusiastically and nearly whacked Shelby in the face at the same time.

Brutus took his place and made sure that he could see his Mum as well (that’s me by the way) and his brothers Rocky and Gordon.

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(Photograph by Samantha Rose)

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(Photograph by Samantha Rose

‘How far do we have to go?’ Fat Harry asked Brutus.

Ignoring Fat Harry, Brutus glanced up at Starbuck who was dangling down kicking her little legs, momentarily forgetting that he was in the play with an audience, Brutus laughed and said ‘Oh look, it’s Starbuck swinging from the roof, hello Starbuck!’ he yelled and waved to her as the audience laughed.

Shaking his head in disbelief, Pippin covered up his eyes and wondered if these Hollywood directors had these kind of problems with their cast, probably not.

‘Hopeless’ Pippin mouthed to Rocco who was now smoking a cigarette and trying to read ‘Dogs Monthly’ magazine.

Fat Harry poked Brutus in the ribs and said ‘How far till we get to the Inn to give Mary and Joseph their presents?’

Clutching a GPS, Brutus said ‘I am not sure, it says address not found but the nearest address is Furbaby Cafe, will that do?’

‘Let me look I am sure you haven’t put in the right postcode, have you tried Bethlehem?’ Vader demanded.

Looking confused and tapping the GPS with his paws, Brutus shrugged his shoulders ‘How do you spell Bethlehem?’.

‘Just put in Furbaby Cafe and we will see what happens’ Vader agreed as Brutus tried to work out how to spell ‘Furbaby’.

The dogs were re-writing the script and there was nothing Pippin could do about it except maybe cry quietly into his blanket.

12108937_10153178944288317_4608486600355458464_nPippin and Brutus

(Photograph by Samantha Rose)

Rocco being the director, had tried to be so good and take his job seriously temptation got the better of him and after his cigarette he ended up fighting with himself in the corner and calling himself a bastard.

‘We shall continue to walk until we find Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus’ Fat Harry commanded as Brutus and Vader dragged their feet to follow him with Brutus occasionally demanding to know ‘if they were there yet as he was tired and could he go for a poo?’

‘Brutus will you stop dragging your bottom!’ Fat Harry growled to Brutus.  The audience laughed as Brutus was indeed dragging his bum across the floor.

‘My anal glands are bothering me’ Brutus said fretfully and did it so much that he could have changed his name to ‘Scooter’.

Anyway, as the three (not so) wise men (dogs) arrived at the inn, they were met by Nica and Shelby who were playing Mary and Joseph.  Chewy lay swaddled up in a puppy blanket in the crib as the baby Jesus, full of his own hair and importance, he looked boot-faced at Vader, Brutus and Fat Harry.

‘So what have you brought me, it had better be good and none of that cheap shit from down the road’ Chewy said.

‘Don’t be so ungrateful’ Fat Harry snapped at him, secretly jealous that Chewy wasn’t in the Famine Club and not on a diet.

Nica was filing her nails and looking quite tired of it all while Shelby was playing games on his mobile that he had sneaked in under his robe (his mums curtains).

Fat Harry marched forward clutching a bone and said to Mary and Joseph ‘I bring you a bone from my home’.

Nica stopped filing her nails and looked puzzled ‘Shelby isn’t it meant to be gold, frankincense and myrrh?

Shaking his pointy snout, Shelby replied ‘Not sure, I thought it was a squeaky toy myself or perhaps a beef chuck bone from South Street Pet Shop.  Never heard of myrrh, what is that?’

Rolling her eyes to the heavens, Nica ignored him and made a mental note to teach these dogs about the real Christmas nativity.

‘Quick, you are next!’ hissed Rocco to Vader.  Nodding sharply towards the stage, he gave Vader the thumbs up.

Vader shuffled on the stage clutching his squeaky Star Wars toy.  ‘I bring you my finest Star Wars toy – but don’t chew it as my Mum bought it for me’.

‘Thanks’ Chewy muttered and as he tried to take the toy, Vader gripped it harder.

‘You are meant to give it to me don’t you know’ Chewy sighed impatiently.

‘Yes, but it’s mine!’ Vader protested and a small tug-of-war ensued over the toy and it nearly ended up in a fight until Nica coughed loudly and distracted them leaving Vader looking upset with his tongue hanging out like a Christmas ham.

Placing his head in his paws, Pippin Pringle shook his head.  These dogs were making it up as they went along, could this get any worse? Oh my god yes it could because now it was Brutus’s turn as the third wise man.

Pippin not being a very religious dog, did in fact say a tiny prayer to save him from future embarrassment caused by Brutus at Christmas time, well at any time – actually, all the time.

Now I haven’t put this in my stories before but Brutus is not very good at reading, he has difficulties and is normally helped out by Bronte who writes stories out of pictures as Brutus can tell a thousand words from a picture.  Brutus has spent many a time in the wrong place because he can’t map read that well and the group do make allowances for him.

And on this occasion, Bronte had done some drawings on a small piece of paper that nobody knew about except for her and Brutus and as for what they contained, you shall have to wait and see.

Anyway, back to the story.

‘Your turn Brutus, you are on!’ Rocco whispered, well not really whispered – kind of shouted more or less.

Brutus glanced up and could see the faces of the audience, were they laughing at him?  Suddenly he felt unable to speak and now the time had come for his own lines, he had completely frozen in fear and had lost his nerve.

I sat in the audience feeling quite sick for my big brown gentle giant, secretly praying that he would regain his nerve and be able to remember his lines.  Denise Pringle, Denise Smith, Rachel, Harriet, Carolyn, Gabrielle, Jeni, Hepsi, Kim and Ian, Fran, Brendon, Sophie, Robyn to name but a few, were all on the edge of their chairs wondering just what Brutus would do or say next.

‘Oh god, he can’t remember his lines’ thought Nica who was doing a very good  impression of innocence with her Mum’s designer silk blue scarf around her head as she stood over the baby Jesus’s crib which contained Chewy who was now chewing his anus through his new King suit from London.

‘What’s happening?’ demanded Chewy as he looked up.

‘Shhhh, we are waiting on Brutus, he has stage fright’ Nica whispered.

‘What is going on?’ mouthed Pippin to Rocco who shrugged his shoulders.

‘I don’t know, he has forgotten his lines I think.  I hope he doesn’t have diarrhoea like he normally does’. Rocco growled.

A painful silence hit the audience, some of the dogs from West Coast Dog Sports were there and had already laughed at Brutus when he ran in the wrong direction at lure coursing that time.  They would have a blast with this episode.

Dee’s ridgebacks sat in their chairs and held their breath, Eugene the angry Afghan was so nervous that he was smoking cigars while Millie the border collie covered her eyes with her paws and took occasional glances to see what was happening.

Suddenly Brutus looked as though he was going to burst into tears.  With his bottom lip quivering, he scanned the audience for his Mum (me).

Brutus moved towards baby Jesus’s crib while clutching his precious Tony Abbott doll in one paw and a piece of scrap paper that Bronte had given him earlier and on that piece of paper were a few very simple brightly coloured drawings and nothing else.

Fat Harry and Vader stared at Brutus who was busy trying to unfold his crumpled bit of paper so that he could see it.

Clearing his throat he looked at the first drawing and saw a cartoon of some budgie smugglers, the second drawing was of Lexie’s beautiful baby boy Xavier wearing a romper suit with the letter ‘J’ on it and the third drawing was of a Christmas tree with presents on it and a large paw behind it.

‘Bloody hell, how is that going to make sense?’ Fat Harry thought to himself as he sweated like a joint of gammon underneath his robe.

However, it didn’t need to make any sense to Harry or anyone else, it only needed to make sense to Brutus – and the pictures that Bronte had drawn for him literally painted a thousand words if only Brutus had the sense to open it and look at it but instead, he scrunched it into a ball without even realising what he was doing.

‘I have come to give my ……..’ Brutus stuttered and then promptly farted because he was so scared.

‘Jesus Christ!’ Fat Harry muttered and then wrapped his robe around his snout while poor Nica pretended that she couldn’t smell it and just held her breath.

‘Did someone say Jesus?’ Chewy piped up and stuck his little brown head out of the crib and peaked around him.

‘We were talking about an earlier model’ Fletch growled.

All eyes were still on Brutus who was frozen with fear and could only focus on the eyes of every dog and human in the audience while imagining the bristling disapproval of Rocco from the side of the stage.

‘Brutus, look at me, look at me’ Bronte whispered secretly willing the huge brown dog to ignore everyone but her. ‘You can do it Brutus’ Bronte said calmly as he caught her gaze and frantically looked for an escape.

IMG_7627Bronte is Brutus’s biggest supporter

(Photograph by Samantha Rose)

‘I want my Mum’ Brutus said to nobody in particular.

‘Oh dear, he wants his Mum, I can be his Mum’ Lily from QLD whispered to some of the other QLD group – Shine, Amex, Diamond, Keno and Toppa.

‘I guess you can’ Stella butted in, ‘But you will have to fight me first – because I would also like to be his Mum, let’s just say that he brings out my maternal side’.

The dogs all stared back at Brutus who had dribbled a bit of urine down his legs because he was so scared.  His long legs were shaking so much that it was a wonder that they were able to support him.

With his sheet wrapped around him, wearing a huge pair of Croc shoes (Dash had insisted that they wore them in biblical times and Brutus believed him), Brutus stared at Bronte in the hope that she would know what to do.

Bronte smiled and stared at the piece of paper in Brutus’s hand and gestured for him to open it out to look at the pictures.

With his paws shaking, Brutus straightened out the piece of paper and looked at the drawings on it.  Suddenly he remembered what he had to say and after an embarrassingly painful silence, he said in his deep voice ‘I present my favourite Tony Abbott doll to the baby Jesus’ and then added ‘But please don’t chew it as I would like that back, and….. and my Mum said that I am a good boy’ Brutus finished.

Everyone in the audience laughed, ‘Priceless’ Eugene snorted as he wiped his eyes.

‘That’s my boy!’ Bronte said to herself and grinned at him.

Rocco was furious as the dogs were changing the scripts to suit themselves and was that angry that he told himself to ‘Piss off’ in the mirror and head butted his own head which in turn made him cry for his Mum Gwynneth who was in the front row.

‘Here come the comes the donkey!’ Yelled Vader, totally forgetting that wasn’t meant to be his line, but give him credit he said it so enthusiastically that everyone in the audience cheered and clapped for the donkey which was being played by Bear the greyhound.

‘Hi everyone, the name is Bear, pleased to meet you’ Bear growled in his funny voice while his best mate Zumba – also a greyhound did a thumbs up as a gesture of support.

‘Excuse me, can we finish the show please, this is totally about me so can we get on with it’ Chewy piped up from his crib.

‘Don’t mind me, I shall just take this back’ Brutus growled as he snatched his Tony Abbott doll back.

‘Actually, as you are not in the Famine Club, I shall have this bone back’ Fat Harry barked.

‘I shall have my Star Wars toy back as well’ Vader added leaving Chewy with no ‘gifts’ and a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

‘Excuse me, can I have those back please, I do believe they are mine?’ Chewy shouted but by now the dogs had taken their place to do the end of the show.

Fearing that there would be a huge row over the ‘gifts’, Pippin decided to do the final part to the show.

Speaking quickly Pippin addressed the audience and forgetting his well rehearsed speech, he had to totally wing it and wing it he did.

‘And so it happened, Mary, Joseph had their baby in the barn, the wise men came and delivered gifts to the baby Jesus and then took them back.

‘Everyone learned the art of being helpful and kind and no-one ever got gastro again and everyone ate satin balls forever and the Famine Club was banned – The End’.  Pippin finished.

The audience stood up and cheered, barked, clapped and yelped so loudly that the door dogs Teddy and Sultan thought there had been a fight and had barged in ready for action.

Shelby, Nica, Brutus, Vader, Fat Harry, Bear, Zumba and Chewy all took a bow as everyone clapped and stomped their feet and they wouldn’t rest until Pippin came to the front where he was lifted on to Brutus and Vaders shoulders so that everyone could see him.

‘Where is Starbuck?’ Nica asked Shelby.

‘Oh she was hanging around up in the air last time I saw her’ Shelby shrugged his shoulders, ‘She has probably gone with Apollo somewhere I expect’.

And so the clapping continued, they clapped for the ‘actors’, they clapped because they were all friends, they clapped for Brutus for being brave but most of all they clapped for their boy Pippin Pringle.

IMG_0459Pippin Pringle

(Photograph by Samantha Rose)

‘So beautiful, I am so proud of my boy’ Denise Pringle wiped a tear from her eye.

‘That is my brother!’ Bronte squealed happily.

‘And he is our friend as well’ a very proud Dash declared and every single pointy snout in the area nodded vigorously in agreement.

As the dogs lined up to sing the closing song for the Nativity, Madam Gigi took her place at the piano.  ‘Is everyone ready for the final song?’ Gigi said in a dramatic voice that she saves for special occasions including stealing lettuce of her Mums plate.

They were ready, they were more than ready.

‘Hark the herald angels sing

Glory to the new-born king’

‘Give us food and give us toys

Our Mums say we’re full of joy’

 

‘We didn’t mean to dig the garden

Belch in your face and not say pardon’

‘Hark the herald angels groan

We deserve some juicy bones’

‘We’re all good dogs for our Mums

Who wipe our faces and dirty bums’

Iggy ChoirTestThe two door-dogs – Teddy and Sultan stood inside to watch the closing of the show. They were silenced by the high-pitched voices of the Iggies/little dogs and the deep Forrest Gump voices of Brutus and Vader.

‘Teddy are you crying?’ Sultan the door-dog laughed at his brother Teddy and then handed him a handkerchief.

‘My eyes are leaking, that is all’ Teddy sniffed and then blew his nose noisily into Sultan’s handkerchief before handing it back to him.

‘You are such a girl’ Sultan snorted but then in a rare public display of affection, washed his brothers jowls and then nearly vomited as they were so slimy.

Rainbow Bridge – They Walk Among Us

Bowie the big white greyhound and gate-keeper of Rainbow Bridge sat looking down at the Christmas nativity.  He was surrounded by several other dogs as they all celebrated the success of their show and declaring Brutus a ‘good boy’ for pulling it together in the end.

Bowie 2Bowie – the Keeper to Rainbow Bridge

(Photograph provided by Fran Forbes)

Netti the white terrier stared up at Bowie the greyhound, ‘Just once – please, just once, I miss her so much’ Netti pleaded Bowie.

Max and Lampard the boxers, Rema the whippet, Zeus the French Mastiff, Bruno and Juniper the cats to name but a few also stared at Bowie as their eyes spoke volumes.

MaxMax the boxer

(Photograph by Lexie Goldsmith)

‘Five minutes, just five minutes and make it count’ Bowie whispered and then added ‘Let’s go’.

And so down they went to mix once again with the people who loved them so very much – their owners who may or may not have felt their presence.

‘You know, I could have sworn I just saw Netti’ Denise said to me, ‘our first Christmas without her, I guess my eyes are playing tricks with me’ she added sadly.

‘We walk among you Mum, you just have to believe it’ Netti whispered to Denise.  Sitting by her Mum’s side, she gazed up at her and relished in every single second of every single moment.

IMG_1161Netti – they walk among us

(Photograph by Samantha Rose)

(sounds of shouting)

‘Samantha, I have mucous and snot all down my legs and it looks like French mastiff snot but Teddy is chatting to Brutus so it can’t be’ Sophie sighed impatiently and then frantically tried to clean the snot off her legs which was clear for all to see but what she couldn’t see was her old dog Zeus wagging his tail as he stood beside her.

ZeusZeus

(Photograph by Sophie Henshaw)

‘Come on everyone, time to go’ Bowie said firmly and as quickly as they appeared, the animals started to fade away to go back to Rainbow Bridge.

Back at Rainbow Bridge

Everyone was back and in their rightful place, everything was as it should be.  Bowie was holding court to the dogs and doing a roll call.

‘Was it worth it?’ Bowie asked them all.

Tails wagged, barks and cries filled the air as the visit was declared a resounding success.

Back at the Christmas Nativity

The dogs were all set to go home, Pippin was doing a head count as they all got on to Jeni Sach’s mini bus.

Brutus and Vader were already on the bus seeing who could lick the windows for longest while Bambi, Teddy and Sultan had pressed their bums on the window to see who had the biggest anus (Teddy) but Bambi ruined it by saying that Teddy could store park benches and small children up there.

‘Has anyone seen Starbuck?’ Pippin stormed back inside and yelled out to everyone that Starbuck was missing.

Rocco blushed and buried his head in his dogs magazine and lit another cigarette to distract from his guilty face.

‘Help, I am up here!’ a tiny high-pitched voice could be heard.

‘Where on earth is that coming from, it is Starbuck’s voice?’ Madam Gigi said looking worried.  Then she, Bronte, Zara, Olive, Lily, Diamond, Shine, Ayla and Stella started looking for her.

‘Excuse me, I am up here, this is NOT funny, get me down right now!’ – sounds of shouting, growling and barking could be heard.

‘What on earth is going on, Starbuck what are you still doing up there?’ Pippin barked.

‘I am stuck, Rocco hoisted me up high and tied me to the water pipe’ Starbuck growled angrily.  Still dressed as the guiding star, she had indeed been hoisted  up and tied to a large water pipe that ran across the ceiling and had been there all that time.

‘Rocco!  I thought it was meant to be peace, goodwill and good behavior to all dogs?’ Pippin shouted at the top of his voice.

I would like to tell you what Rocco said next but it was unrepeatable.

Back at Team Pringle’s House

The Iggies arrived back at Team Pringle’s house totally exhausted.  Those that took part in the play were still in costume including Starbuck who was in her little star outfit.

Brutus, Vader and Fat Harry were wearing their robes, Brutus and Vader’s had poo stains on the back and Fat Harry looked 5 months pregnant as he had stuffed an entire bag of Denise’s satin balls under his robe for later.

Pippin stood up to give his traditional Christmas speech which was usually about how the year went, good stuff, bad stuff etc.

‘So what have you all learned this Christmas?’ Pippin asked them all.

‘That Starbuck makes a good star’ Rocco snorted.

‘That Rocco is naughty’ Starbuck growled back.

‘That I am not as generous with my toys as I thought’ Vader mumbled as he remembered not wanting to give Chewy his Star Wars toy.

‘That I get scared and don’t know what to say sometimes and I just want my Mum’ Brutus blushed as he addressed everyone.

‘That’s OK Brutus, you came good in the end’ Bronte reassured him.

The other dogs had suddenly gone quiet.  They realised that it was a huge thing for Brutus to get on stage today and even though he can’t read properly, he made up the words from the notes that Bronte had given him.  Not just ordinary notes either, these were pictures and drawings to help Brutus use his imagination to remember.

They also realised just how far Bronte had gone to help her special friend, none of them had any idea that she had done this for him.

One by one each of the dogs dug deep and recalled how each of their friends had done something no matter how small, to help the others and once they started with the stories, they carried on chatting while Pippin just sat and listened with an immense feeling of pride for his little group.

IMG_9515A Proud Pippin Pringle

(Photograph by Samantha Rose)

‘I would actually like to thank Rocco’ Starbucks said quite suddenly as the room fell silent and the dogs stopped talking.

‘Me? Why do you want to thank me for?’ Rocco replied looking shocked.

‘You may have pulled me up and tied me to the ceiling but for the first time in my life, not only was I a star but I was taller than all of you’ Starbuck replied simply.

Everyone stared at Rocco as he hung his head down, ‘Sorry Starbuck, I didn’t mean to do that to you’.

Starbuck stared at him and wagged her tail, ‘That’s OK, I’ll bite your bum later!’

‘If you can reach it that is!’ Rocco laughed.

‘Are you saying I am short?’ Starbuck protested.

Rocco stared at the tiny little dog with the big personality, ‘Short? you are many things Starbuck, but short is not one of them’

IMG_9059Starbuck – big dog in little body

(Photograph by Samantha Rose)

‘What have you learned today Pippin?’ Bronte asked her brother.

Taking a deep breath Pippin replied ‘I have learned that you can’t plan everything but you if you work hard you will get there in the end – with a bit of swearing of course’.  Pippin winked at Rocco as he said the last bit.

‘Right you lot, does anyone have anything left to say or can we get on with our bones and toys?’ Pippin smiled at everyone.

‘Yes, I have’ Brutus said in his deep voice.

‘Go on Brutus’ Pippin encouraged him.

‘Thank you for being my friends and letting me think that I am little when I am in fact big, it means a lot to me, so what I want to say is Merry Christmas everyone’.  Brutus blushed.

11251767_10153227879133317_8772442562849242960_nBrutus – little dog in big body

(Photograph by Samantha Rose)

The others stared at him as he tried to hide his embarrassment by pretending to wash his bum.

‘No problem my friend, no problem’ Pippin smiled, ‘Merry Christmas everyone! Now, these bones are not going to eat themselves so let’s tuck in’.

 

The End

 

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright December 2015

Thanks and Acknowledgements

IMG_3151Merry Christmas from Brutus

(Photograph by Samantha Rose)

I would like to thank everyone that has supported Brutus’s page and my blog over the past 12 months and for the nice comments that I have received.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas wherever you are in the world and there will be plenty more tales of Pippin, Brutus and the gang in 2016.

Samantha and Brutus

 

 

 

 

 

Pippin Pringle, Brutus and the ‘Testicle Incident’

Brutus was round Pippin Pringle’s house for tea and bone broth. They were hanging out quite a bit really and the tiny little dog was teaching Brutus how to be intelligent but as Rocky said, ‘you can’t polish a turd’. However, Pippin felt flattered that Brutus had asked him to make him a clever boy and was only too happy to oblige.

Brutus and Pippin

Pippin teaches Brutus how to be a clever boy (Photograph by Samantha Rose)

Brutus was sat on one chair with a mug of bone broth and Pippin was on the other. Bronte was round Ayla’s house having a girly night with Gigi, Nica and Zara. Fat Harry had tried to gatecrash it to try but was caught out and sent away by Gigi.

Brutus balls

Brutus trying to replicate the ‘Shelby position’ (Photograph by Samantha Rose)

‘Pippin’ Brutus asked him.

‘Yes Brutus?’ Pippin said without looking up.

‘How come Shelby has such large testicles and we don’t have any?’

Shelby is an Italian greyhound with a set of testicles that could be used as door knockers for a castle and was often seen proudly displaying them to make other dogs jealous.

Shelby

Shelby’s testicle door knockers (Photograph Gabrielle)

Blushing in response, Pippin replied ‘Well because we had ours removed when we were younger. Some dogs have them and some dogs don’t’.

‘But do you miss having testicles because Shelby’s are enormous and Dash told August who told Rocco who told me that he has been seen bouncing down the road on them like spacehoppers’ said Brutus.

Pippin was now going red as he was not used to talking about such things. Not knowing what to say, he merely muttered something about ‘Testicles just get in the way of stuff’.

‘But wouldn’t you want to have a set like Shelby’s?’ Brutus asked Pippin who had buried his head in a ‘Dogs Today’ magazine.

Pretending that he didn’t care about Shelby’s testicles, Pippin sighed and taking a swig of bone broth, he replied simply ‘No, I don’t do heavy weights as I have a bad back’.

Brutus looked thoughtful ‘Mine were never heavy, they were like two frozen peas in a handkerchief when they were removed’.

Ears2

Brutus has testicle envy of Shelby (Photograph by Samantha Rose)

Looking up in embarrassment Pippin said firmly ‘Please can we talk about something else’.

‘Just going to the toilet’ Brutus said as he jumped up to go to the loo.

Ten minutes later and Brutus hadn’t returned.

‘Goodness me, where is he?’ Pippin said impatiently. That dog could get lost in anyones house as he wasn’t the brightest dog on the block. Pippin had been told that the other night Brutus had used his head to push open the sliding patio security door and had literally popped the entire sliding security door out of its frame causing his Mum (me) to get up and catch it before it fell on the car (yes really).

The guy that came to fix it yesterday just stared at Brutus and said ‘Yes, well……’ as Brutus blushed at the fact that his hammer-head was capable of such destruction – but that is another (expensive) story and I shall leave that to my husband to tell.

Anyway, Pippin was wondering where Brutus had got to and just as he was about to get up, he heard snorting and laughing as ‘Pigaloo’ (Brutus’s nickname) came staggering out of Denise Pringle’s bedroom walking like a cowboy.

‘Hey Pippin, do I look as good as Shelby?’ Brutus grinned at Pippin who had his mouth open so wide that he could have caught flies in it.

‘Oh my god…..’ Pippin spluttered as bone broth shot out of his nostrils.

Pippin mouth

Pippin says ‘Oh my god’ (Photograph by Samantha Rose)

There stood Brutus with a silken handkerchief tied around the base of his tail with two scented round (large) candles stuffed inside. Barely able to walk, Brutus walked like a constipated cowboy with a poo fighting to get out of his bum.

‘Let’s phone Shelby and tell him I have balls as big as he does’ Brutus said proudly while struggling to look in the mirror and admire his new ‘man-shape’.

Dog in the mirror

Brutus checks himself out in the mirror (Photograph by Samantha Rose)

‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’ Brutus asked Pippin while trying to organise his ‘balls’.

‘Oh my god…’ Pippin repeated and then mopped his brow and took a swig of bone broth before replying ‘They don’t suit you Brutus, they make you look fat’.

Brutus who has a thing for his figure and likes to remain svelte and musclebound, blushed ‘Do you really think so? Do you think I look better without them?

Swallowing his bone broth, Pippin wiped his snout and replied firmly ‘Absolutely’.

‘Oh well, if you insist’ Brutus sighed and then swaggered back to Denise’s bedroom to remove the handkerchief and scented candles from between his legs.

(Sounds of Bronte coming in the door)

‘We have had a marvellous evening but I am so glad to be home, I am totally exhausted’ Bronte said dramatically as she fanned her pretty snout with a copy of ‘Who is who at Dogs West’.

Spotting Brutus, Bronte grinned and said ‘Hi Brutus, how’s it going?’

Brutus got up to greet her and gave her face a little clean to say hello.

Raising her snout to the air, Bronte asked ‘Can anyone smell vanilla?’

‘Don’t ask Bronte, just don’t ask’ Pippin stepped in quickly before the whole story could leak out.

‘Would you like me to fetch you some bone broth?’ Brutus asked Bronte in a bid to impress her.

‘Yes please Brutus, that is kind of you’ Bronte said gratefully.

‘So Pippin, what’s been happening, did you teach Brutus how to be a clever boy?’ Bronte smiled at her brother.

Pip and Bronte

Pippin and Bronte discuss polishing the turd that is Brutus (Photograph by Samantha Rose)

Glancing round to Brutus who was in the kitchen pouring Bronte some of Denise Pringle’s famous bone broth, Pippin sighted some candle staining down Brutus’s legs and a waft of vanilla each time he wagged his tail.

11251767_10153227879133317_8772442562849242960_n

Brutus smells of vanilla (Photograph by Samantha Rose)

Taking a deep breath Pippin replied firmly ‘I think he has a while to go before he is a clever boy, but he sure knows what to do with candles’.

And with that explanation – Bronte had to be content.

The End

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright November 2015

Law and Order at Rainbow Bridge

Rainbow Bridge – a place behind that rainbow

946812_10151504745738317_1181494632_n

Always something behind that rainbow Photograph by Samantha Rose

Rainbow Bridge – every pet owner will have heard of it, no-one will have seen it but we all just know it is ‘there’.

It is a place where our pets go when their time with us has come to an end for whatever reason that may be.  It is also a place where no animal suffers, where there is no human intervention because quite frankly, there is no need.

It is without a doubt THE place to be for our pets when they have passed on.

Bowie who is a big white greyhound is the Gatekeeper to Rainbow Bridge and greets all the dogs upon entry.  He stands tall and proud with his clipboard and ticks the animals off as they arrive at the gates and greets them reassuringly.

The dogs have to cross a boundary line and once they get over that line that is when they get their new lease of life.

It can be hard to persuade animals to cross over and sometimes a bit of bribery is required in the form of a group of naughty rabbits that gossip, giggle and hop around to distract the nervous dogs as they cross ‘The Bridge’ and this is usually a success. But if on the rare occasion that a dog is not interested in chasing rabbits, then there are toys, food or tennis balls to name but a few.

At Rainbow Bridge; Animals soon forget their illnesses, their old age, their sore bones and injuries when they get to The Bridge and although it might take a few minutes, they start off nervously limping for fear of the pain that they left behind in the human world, to slowly trotting and then building up to a run as they chase the gossipy rabbits who are never caught because they too are fit and healthy.

No animal goes hungry, no animal suffers pain, the elderly regain their youth and what is so marvellous about this place is that there is enough space, friendship, love, food and squeaky toys to suit everyone.

Order of the day

Each day at Rainbow Bridge, Bowie the white greyhound gets the roll call sheet as to who will be joining them.  There are always heaps of animals – some young, some old, some taken too early and some were just not meant for a life with humans.

Bowie 2

Bowie – official ‘Gatekeeper’ of Rainbow Bridge (Photograph by Fran Forbes)

On 2nd November 2015; Bowie was talking to a Jack Russell Terrier called Danny about the list and whether or not it had been updated.

‘Are you sure this is the whole list?’ Bowie asked Danny.

Bristling with his own importance, Danny clutched his clipboard and said ‘Quite sure thank you’.

Danny actually had what is known as ‘Short Dog Syndrome’ where as he is only a few inches tall, he feels he needs to make up for it with attitude and he does that very well thank you.  He also has an exceedingly large penis for such a small dog which has earned him some respect with the other dogs as well as the nickname ‘Donkey Kong’.

‘Well, if you are sure then I will take my place and wait for the new arrivals’ Bowie smiled at Danny.

Suddenly a huge chunky boxer dog called Lampard came skidding round the corner at full speed while gasping for breath and and farting at the same time.  As he clutched a piece of paper in his mouth he panted  ‘Sorry Bowie, we forgot one – here you go!’ and gave Bowie a rather soggy piece of paper.

Lampard

Lampard the boxer Photograph by Sandra Winn

‘Let’s have a look then lad’ Bowie grinned and as he studied the name, he nodded curtly and took a few moments to compose himself.

‘You OK Bowie?’ asked Lampard the boxer.

Taking a deep breath Bowie replied ‘Yes, yes I am fine’ and looked at the list again and the spare piece of paper with the final name on it.

‘The first one is arriving now’ Danny the Jack Russell barked at Bowie.

An elderly grizzled Labrador limped up to where Bowie sat.  His eyes cloudy, joints stiff, his muzzle and fur around his eyes almost snow white from age, he looked tired and barely glanced up to look at the rabbits who were primed to do their bit to entice the dogs over the boundary line and over The Bridge.

‘Hello my friend’ Bowie said gently to the senior Labrador who was so grey that his owners must have loved him a huge amount to get him like that.  Mind you, the pink lipstick on his head and muzzle was a pretty good indicator of how much he was loved.

‘Just stand over there – where the rabbits are’ Bowie nodded towards a group of rabbits that were wriggling their bums at the Labrador.

‘I can’t walk that far, my joints hurt’ The Labrador said in a sad and tired voice.

The rabbits shrugged their shoulders, it was time for ‘Plan B’.

‘How about over there?’ Bowie said to the Labrador and nodded over to a coffee table that had magically appeared out of nowhere, was a huge meaty bone and a bag of Schmackos dog treats.

The Labrador strained his eyes and looked back at Bowie, ‘Are they for me? Can I eat them without getting bloat?’ he asked nervously.

‘Try it and see’ Bowie laughed and then nodded to the direction of the coffee table.

Taking slow and rather unsteady steps, the Labrador moved towards the coffee table which was just over the boundary line to The Bridge.

The food looked so good that the Labrador tried to walk faster.  Waiting for his hips to hurt and his legs, he was surprised to see feel that not only did they not hurt him, but they actually felt better.

‘There you go lad, just one more step’ Bowie said quietly to the Labrador.

‘One more step’ Danny the Jack Russell said encouragingly, ‘Go on, you can do it’.

It was with some courage that he took that step, that last step that saw him over The Bridge and within seconds he was alternating between chewing the bone and eating the Schmackos which were the finest things that he had ever tasted.

After he had eaten; he looked around and saw other dogs running around chasing toys, swimming in the crystal clear waters of the river, playing with tennis balls, chasing butterflies and really just having a good time.

‘I would like to do that, can I do that?’ The Labrador asked Bowie.

‘You sure can – if you want to that is’ Bowie nodded towards him.

And want to he did because within a few minutes he too was chasing butterflies, balls and toys with a fitness and vitality that he had thought he would never regain.

Last but not least…

‘When is the last one due here?’ Danny the Jack Russell asked Bowie.

‘When his time is right’ Bowie growled softly.

Somewhere in Perth, Western Australia

WA Police Officer Cop Dog – Rumble the German Shepherd had been very unwell with viral meningitis and when I say unwell, he spent quite a while in hospital fighting it and fight it he did because he was sent home was to be retired and live with his handler.

Dog lovers from all over Australia had sent their love and good wishes to Rumble as he was in intensive care fighting something far more formidable than the criminals he used to catch.

Everyone was thrilled when Rumble went back home to his ‘Dad’ and although many of us knew he wouldn’t go back out on the ‘beat’ so to speak, we knew he would enjoy his retirement and being able to give out police advice to the younger police dogs if they needed it.

Rumble had not been feeling well again and whilst nobody loves a life-challenge like Rumble, he had decided that day; that enough was enough and in doggy terms, that translates to ‘It is time’.

When any animal decides that ‘it is time’, it is a decision that is made firmly in their mind and they are ready for to go over The Bridge and Rumble, well he was ready for it.

And so Rumble left his tired and sick body that had caught so many criminals as his Dad was by his side and said goodbye.

As Rumble left this world and those that loved him, step by step he walked closer to The Bridge; while secretly wondering if he would be able to bite intruders there or if they had intruders at all.

Welcome to Rainbow Bridge

‘Police Officer Rumble, we have been waiting for you’ Bowie smiled to welcome the eight year old German Shepherd dog.

Rumble wagged his tail and like a typical cop, looked around to assess his surroundings and to see if he could smell any criminals.

Bowie laughed ‘You won’t find criminals here, nothing bad ever happens’.

‘Are you serious?’ Rumble said in a shocked voice, ‘I am here to maintain law and order’.

Bowie nodded towards the boundary line of The Bridge and then looked back at Rumble.

‘Go on Rumble, walk over there my friend as there are some meaty bones waiting for you’ Bowie said to him.

‘I have been feeling ever so sick so I might pass on the bones but I am always up for criminals’ Rumble said firmly.

‘Try it’ Bowie urged.

‘If you insist but I have already said, I haven’t been feeling well’ Rumble sighed and then walked over to the boundary line to The Bridge.

As Rumble crossed over the line, he was surprised that he found those meaty bones looking rather tasty and that he did not feel quite so nauseous.

Glancing up at Bowie, Rumble said in a somewhat vulnerable voice ‘If I am no longer a cop dog here, then what I am I and what do I stand for?’

Bowie looked thoughtful ‘You stood for and will always stand for what is right and you are Rumble, that is who you are.  You have not lost anything, you have merely moved into a different life and you stand for yourself’.

Rumble smiled back and then looking forward he could see Max – one of the boxer gang, who was chasing invisible things that only boxers can do while the naughty rabbits kept tripping him up by hopping around him.

Max

Max the boxer Photograph by Lexie Goldsmith

‘Oh and Rumble?’ Bowie said as Rumble slowly walked towards a group of German Shepherds who were heatedly discussing criminals.

‘Yes Bowie?’ Rumble barked.

‘Thank you Officer for your service to the community in Perth, they won’t forget it and nor will they forget you’.  Bowie stared intently at Rumble.

Rumble nodded and as he turned round to carry on walking until he disappeared from Bowie’s sight.

‘Won’t take him long to fit in’ Danny said to Bowie who nodded in agreement, ‘Oh hello Netti, how are you doing my friend?’ Danny asked a little white terrier who had come to join them.

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Netti Photograph by Samantha Rose

‘Fine thank you, I have chased rabbits this morning so thought I would sit with you guys to relax’ Netti replied.

‘Sounds like a plan Netti and rather a good one.  As it is quiet with no more expected arrivals,  I think it is time for a bone perhaps?’ Bowie said to Netti and Danny.

But before they could answer;  Lampard the boxer came galloping up to them with his jowls flapping in the wind and boxer snot festooned all over his face.

‘Bowie, you are going to have to go to the main paddock, it is all kicking off’ Lampard said breathlessly.

‘Watch the gate Netti and keep an eye on things’ Bowie ordered Netti a little white dog who was now busy chewing a bone in between reading a magazine titled ‘Who is who at Rainbow Bridge’.

‘No worries’ Netti grinned and then secretly relished in having such power and briefly wondered if she would be brave enough to say ‘Sorry mate, we are full’ to any newcomers – perhaps not but it was a fun thought to have.

Bowie galloped over to the main paddock where everyone was barking in protest. ‘Oh my goodness what on earth is going on?’ he demanded.

Lampard shrugged his shoulders ‘I don’t know, this is how I found them’.

‘Well don’t just stand there, we have to do something!’ Bowie ordered.  Really this would never do, Rainbow Bridge was always so relaxed and this was highly irregular.

Dogs were lined up by the trees, cats were lined up on the trees and anything smaller than that were lined up on the tops of trees with military precision except for a few chickens that were just rebels as chickens are.

Verdell the Griffon was not enjoying being ordered around by this large German Shepherd at all and was desperate to fart.  Shuffling from one leg to the other, he tried very hard to stay focused but in the end had to let one go which he proceeded to deny and blame on a chunky pug called Beryl.

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Verdell Photograph by Samantha Rose

Anyway, the dogs were all nervously lined up and standing in front of them all was Rumble looking tall and proud while blowing a whistle and calling for ‘law and order’.

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Rumble keeping law and order Photograph by a secret source to keep the policeman’s (rather fit) body anonymous. Rumble’s head taken from WA publicity photo from Facebook.

‘Right, nobody move until I have searched you’ Rumble said in his best cop voice.

‘He still thinks that he is a cop’ Lampard whispered to Bowie.

Trying not to laugh, Bowie walked up to Rumble and gently whispered ‘At ease Officer Rumble’.

‘Oh don’t panic, I’ve got this’ Rumble barked back without turning around.

‘Yes my friend and so have I’ Bowie barked back in a calm voice.

Looking a bit put out, Rumble nodded ‘Well, if you are absolutely sure……’

‘Absolutely sure’ Bowie smiled reassuringly at all the animals that were looking boot-faced at being lined up.

Relaxing somewhat, Rumble had to have the last word and said to the group ‘Right you lot, you are off the hook but don’t think you can be naughty on my watch’

‘You can take the dog from the police, but you cant take the police out of the dog’ grumbled Verdell the Griffon who farted again causing Rema the whippet to grip her snout in disgust and Beryl the pug to blush and say ‘That was not me’.

Rumble looked around the paddocks, the animals had gone back to what they were doing and no grudges were held (well except for the chickens).  It was at that moment that Rumble realised that he really did not need to keep law and order, because everyone knew how to behave here and were happy to do so.

There was nothing left for Rumble to do except to just enjoy being a dog, and you know what – that suited him just fine.

Team Pringle’s House

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Pippin Pringle (Photo by Samantha Rose)

Pippin Pringle was sat in his office making notes for the Italian Greyhound Christmas party with his spectacles perched on the end of his snout as he tried to concentrate.

‘There are quite a few people coming to the party Bronte’ Pippin yelled to his sister who was totally not listening and was busy chatting on the phone to Zara about the latest Christmas outfits.

‘Oh who can that be I wonder?’ Pippin sighed as his mobile phone rang.

‘Hello, Pippin Pringle here….’

Five minutes later, Pippin emerged from his office still clutching his mobile phone.

‘I will call you back Zara’ Bronte said quickly as she noticed the distressed look on her brothers face.

‘What on earth has happened?’ Bronte asked him.

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Bronte – a fashionista with a heart of gold Photograph by Samantha Rose

‘We need to call a meeting and we need to call Brutus and quickly before he sees it in the press’ Pippin said with his voice quivering.

At Brutus’s house

Brutus was in the garden playing with his green furry snake, throwing it in the air and catching it in between bouncing sideways and knocking his brother Rocky over.  Full of the joys of life and Spring, he really is a pleasure to watch because he is such a happy dog.

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Brutus the happy boy Photograph by Samantha Rose

‘Brutus, come here boy’ I called out to him.

Looking confused he cocked his head to the side still with his furry snake in his mouth but obligingly walked over to me with his bottom wriggling because he was so pleased to see me after my day at work.

‘Love you Mum’ Brutus said happily and washed my face to demonstrate that fact.

‘Love you right back Brutus’

‘Brutus, I have something to tell you.  You know Rumble was in hospital because he was very sick?’ I asked him.

‘Yes but he is better now, I sent him a get well card that I made myself’ Brutus said proudly.

‘Brutus, Rumble crossed over to Rainbow Bridge today because he just got too sick and couldn’t fight it any more’.

Brutus dropped his green snake and looked at me with his bottom lip quivering.  ‘But you said that he would get better?’

‘Well he did for a while but he could only fight it for so long’ I said to him.

‘But he can’t be gone, he was my hero?’ Brutus stuttered looking totally devastated.

‘He can still be your hero Brutus, that doesn’t have to change.  You wouldn’t want him to suffer would you?’

Trying to be brave, Brutus replied in a quiet voice ‘No, no I wouldn’t have wanted that’.  Then shoving me out of the way, Brutus made his way in to the house and back to his bedroom and picked up his fluffy rabbit and started to chew on it for comfort.

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Brutus looking devastated Photograph by Samantha Rose

‘You OK buddy?’ Rocky asked Brutus who now had his back turned to us and was facing the door in his room.

‘Yes, I am fine’ Brutus said in an uncharacteristically formal voice.

Staring at him for a few minutes, Rocky nodded ‘Well if you are sure…’ and then walked away to his bed while occasionally looking back at the large brown dog curled up in a ball on his bed.

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Rocky shows concern for his brother (see brown feet above) Photograph by Samantha Rose

Later that night

Everyone was asleep except for Brutus who was curled up under his blanket while clutching a photograph of his hero in one paw and his Tony Abbott doll in the other.

‘Who do I have now? Who can teach me to be a good boy?’ Brutus asked himself, ‘How will I know how to be a good boy now that Rumble has gone?’

In Brutus’s eyes, you have to have someone to look up to, someone that you aspire to be like.  I didn’t dare shatter his illusions and tell him that he wouldn’t ever make police dog grade but hey, he did no harm in his hero worship of Rumble.

And there he remained, curled up in a tiny ball on his bed fretting over who would guide him now?

Brutus crying in his toys

Brutus gets comfort from his precious Tony Abbott doll Photograph by Samantha Rose

The next morning..

Rocky and Brutus were having their breakfast, Gordon was reading his newspaper ‘The Ginger Times’ and doing the crossword.  Being an elderly cat, he had taken to wearing half rimmed spectacles to help him see better.

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Gordon and Rocky read the newspaper Photograph by Samantha Rose

‘Here Brutus, have you seen this?’ Rocky barked to his brother.

‘Seen what?’ Brutus sighed, he was exhausted from lack of sleep from the previous night.

‘See for yourself’ Rocky said firmly and handed him our local newspaper (yes – dogs read newspapers).

‘What, I can’t see anything?’ Brutus said in a disinterested voice.

‘Look closer’ Rocky replied.

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Photograph screenshot of the WA news

Brutus took a closer look at the newspaper and read about how WA cop dog Jimmy had caught yet another criminal and had even shrugged off a kick in the head and carried on until the criminal had been restrained.

‘That is impressive’ Brutus nodded approvingly, ‘Oh my god he took a kick to the head and still caught the guy, now THAT is hard core’.

Brutus and Rocky then huddled up to discuss the heroics of Jimmy the cop dog and what they would have done had it been either of them taking a kick to the head.

‘I would have bitten his arse off’ Rocky said angrily.

‘I would have ripped his leg off’ Brutus agreed, ‘And eaten it’.

‘You would have cried and gone running to Mum and you know it’ Gordon shouted and totally ruined a special moment between two dogs where they can imagine that they are tougher and braver than what they really are.

‘So, who is this Jimmy then?’ Brutus muttered to himself as he grabbed his iPad to check out more on this cop dog.

‘Wow, Rocky – sounds like this Jimmy is pretty good’ said Brutus but quickly added ‘but not as good as Rumble’.

Later that afternoon I walked past Brutus’s bedroom which was messy as usual.  Tony Abbott lay on the floor with a partially chewed deer antler, his puppy teething key ring, the fluffy turkey and the penguin, his rabbit, pink fluffy pig, small bear and hedgehog in camouflage gear were scattered on the bed.

On the wall by Brutus’s bed were his favourite photographs that had been stuck to the wall in messy fashion.

Pictures of Brutus and Pippin Pringle drunk in a skimpies bar with whippet with no collars on, photos of Brutus and Vader having jowl licking contests, photos of Brutus at various Iggy parties and even some of him at Furbaby pet cafe with all the Iggies using him as something to climb on.

Even more photos of Brutus with all of his friends – Bundy the Samoyed, Benny and Isis the Pharaoh hounds, ‘Z’ the cop dog, Rocco, Fat Harry, Gigi, Bronte, Zara, Nica, Ayla, Ari, August, Dash, Mako, Bambi, Olive, Carlo, Cino, Pino, Fletch, Woody, Taia, Chewy, Starbuck  – to name but a few.

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Brutus’s photo collage in his bedroom Photograph by Samantha Rose

After spending about ten minutes checking looking at his photographs and laughing at one of Pippin and Brutus trying to do selfies but ending up with one of their genitals, I then noticed that next to a crumpled photograph of Rumble, was a new picture stuck to the wall – of Jimmy the cop dog.

Saying nothing, I closed the baby gate and walked back to the living room and watched Brutus and Rocky playing a game of chase outside.

‘Try and kick me in the head and let me see how I can fight back’ Brutus instructed Rocky who looked at him as though he were mad.

‘I can’t kick you in the head, I have dodgy hips – you know that, besides you would cry like a wimp if I did’ Rocky shook his head in disgust.

‘Jimmy the cop dog took a kick to the head and he still caught the bad guy’ Brutus said looking offended at being called a wimp.

‘Jimmy is like Rumble, he can do anything he wants to’ Brutus added and then squatted down to the floor and urinated down his own legs.

Rocky was about to reply with a suitable insult but then realised that after the devastation of Rumble dying and Brutus losing his hero, he had indeed found another one to look up to in Jimmy the cop dog.

And there is nothing wrong with that because after all, we all need a hero to look up to don’t we?

Dedicated to Police Dog Rumble

RUMBLE

Photograph taken from WA Police Facebook page

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright November 2015

 

Dogs party hard at the Furbaby Cafe for Chewie’s birthday party!

Today Brutus, Pippin Pringle and several of their friends attended the birthday party of their good friend ‘Chewy’ which was held at their regular favourite haunt called the ‘Furbaby Cafe’ in Perth in the VID (very important dog) area.

Cake was eaten, dogs were humped by each other from head to toe – literally.  Bottoms were sniffed, hot chips were eaten and croissants were stolen and shoved into tiny pointy snouts so quickly that one questioned if they were ever on the table in the first place.

(The croissant thief has not been confirmed but Dash the Iggy was found with croissant crumbs around his snout, he is refusing to say anything until his lawyer is present)

Legs were cocked against walls, games of ‘angry carrots’ took place as the Italian greyhounds use their legs like angry carrots to box one another and Brutus as usual, was used as the regulation step ladder for the smaller dogs to climb over.

A couple of dogs broke into the kitchen after Dash (an experienced breaker-in of kitchens) taught them how to pretend to be invisible and sneak in with stealth like movement.  Fletch the Iggy could not quite manage ‘stealth’ but did a very good job of hovering by the kitchen door making Furbaby staff feel guilty.

Anyway, here are some of the photographs of the day – hope you enjoy them.

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright

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Chewy gets his birthday cake!

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Brutus and his friend Dash discuss party tricks

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Brutus and Lupo do some wrestling

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Happy birthday Chewy! – Love Brutus

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Brutus and his partner in crime Pippin Pringle say ‘wake me up when we get there’

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Brutus is embarrassed when Chewy asks if he will sing ‘Happy birthday’ for him

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Brutus, Dash and Lupo plan some party games

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Zara feels better in her Mum’s arms – she can keep an eye on stuff

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Brutus, Apollo and Dash dare each other to sneak into the kitchen

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Pippin Pringle has his cake and eats it!

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Brutus enjoyed his cake

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Pippin Pringle and Brutus on their way to the party

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Brutus and Dash have a ‘bromance’ thing going on

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Nice cake Mum!

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Brutus and Pippin on their way to the party

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That cake was nice, can we have some more!

All photographs by Samantha Rose (C) Copyright October 2015

A taste of the naughty life – according to Pippin

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Pippin Pringle – all good and all innocent boy – or is he? (Photograph by Sam Rose)

Pippin Pringle is an Italian greyhound and as many of you will know, stars in most if not all of my stories.

He is a good boy, clean living and reads respectable dog magazines and the naughtiest stuff he ever does is roll in some horse turd when he gets the chance.  Basically he is an all round good boy who is obedient and does twirls for treats.

Pippin runs his own little Italian greyhound (Iggy) club from his house and has several mobile phones and a clip board to keep everyone in order.  Wearing his half rimmed spectacles on the end of his nose, he looks like a strict Maths teacher but with a pointy snout.

Sometimes though we all need to go off the rails a bit and taste a bit of the naughty life and one day, Pippin Pringle much to the surprise of his friends, did just that.

Dogs in leather jackets

Bronte, Nica, Gigi, Ayla, Zara and Olive were having a girls evening at Bronte and Pippin’s house.  This involved discussions about the hottest cop dogs, talking about bones and the latest fashion in dog coats.

‘When will I be grown up enough to wear short dresses like Bronte?’ Ayla demanded.

‘Not for a while’ Gigi said firmly, she was very strict on the younger girls keeping their modesty and Ayla was far to young to be flashing her bottom.

‘I must go for a pee, won’t be a sec’ Nica said as she quickly jumped up she stopped in her tracks and gasped ‘Oh My God, what the hell are you thinking of Pippin?’

There stood Pippin wearing drain pipe jeans and a black leather jacket and a white T-shirt while chewing gum in insolent fashion.  Pippin by the way hates chewing gum citing it as ‘common’ and ‘trashy’ and is always lecturing the other Iggies about just how bad it looks.

But Pippin Pringle was actually chewing gum in the insolent fashion that he so hates.

Standing there with his chest puffed out and his legs wide apart, he looked like an extra from the movie Grease.

‘Yeah, what of it?’ Pippin said to Nica in a new-found ‘tough voice’.

‘Erm, well, nothing, nothing at all’ Nica spluttered and then went back to Bronte and whispered ‘You need to come here quickly’.

‘Stay here you kids’ Bronte said firmly to Olive, Zara and Ayla who completely ignored her and followed her to where Pippin was standing.

‘Uncle Pippin, what are you wearing?’ Zara giggled.

‘You told us that chewing gum is bad manners’ Olive barked.

‘Bronte, say something?’ Madam Gigi said desperately to Bronte to who was biting her lip trying not to laugh.

‘You look daft Pippin’ Bronte shook her head and then burst out laughing until the tears poured down her cheeks.

Ayla had no such tact and had grabbed Bronte’s camera phone and had snapped a photo of Pippin in all his glory secretly vowing to plaster it all over her Facebook later.

A sound of a car horn could be heard outside and Pippin barked ‘Catch ya later, I am off out on the piss and ladies, I plan to get super drunk’

‘Pippin, what has happened to you?’ Bronte asked her brother.

Staring coldly at Bronte, Pippin replied flatly ‘I just got naughty’ and with that he marched out of the door to where Brutus, Rocco, Chewy and Vader the boxer were waiting for him.

‘Gigi?’ Nica said to the little black Iggy, ‘Close your mouth or you will catch the flies’.  Gigi closed her mouth and then let a fart out of her bottom in shock.

‘Come on man, let’s hit the road’ Brutus grinned as he sat in the front of a tatty old Holden Commodore that he had borrowed from a friend of a friend of a friend who pinched it from a wreckers yard.

Pippin jumped in beside Brutus, Chewy, Rocco and Vader sat in the back as Billy Idol’s ‘Rebel Yell’ blasted on the car stereo.  And as they all chewed on their gum and smoked catnip cigarettes, the boys took Pippin on what was to be his first journey of naughtiness.

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Naughty boys in leather (Photograph by Google Images but completely changed by myself)

In the skimpies bar

Apart from chewing gum and bad manners, Pippin also had a strong dislike and disrespect for skimpies bars.  Brutus, Rocco, Vader and Chewy were all seasoned visitors of the local skimpies bar which was held near the local dogs home giving the local stray female dogs a chance to earn some cash.

The boys had persuaded Pippin that all bad boys go to skimpies bars and this was to be Pippin’s first visit.

‘Nice snout!’ Pippin yelled to a blue whippet bitch who was dancing on the tables next to them. Eyeing her up appreciatively, Pippin tucked a bonio into her collar.

‘Well hello there boop-face’ the whippet smiled back and then wriggled her butt for Pippin to admire.

Having never been into a skimpies bar before, Pippin had no idea as to how to behave and the more nervous he became, the faster he chewed his gum until he nearly choked on his own tongue.

Several whippets and a chunky beagle in a bikini were strutting their stuff on the podium.  The beagle was searching for food as she danced and would go to full lengths to get treats tucked in to her bikini bottoms.

Vader, Chewy and Rocco were drinking shots – Brutus wasn’t as he was driving but he was thoroughly over excited and had started to fart causing the whippets to wrinkle their noses in disgust.

‘Have you shit your pants?’ one of the whippets demanded causing Brutus to blush and check his own pants to confirm that no, he hadn’t.

‘Hey big boy, fancy a dance?’ the chunky beagle bitch winked at Pippin and beckoned him to step up.

‘Go Pippin!’ Brutus, Rocco, Vader and Chewy cheered.

In his leather jacket and skin-tight jeans, Pippin was shoved by his friends on to the podium to join the beagle who was quickly sneaking in a hamburger into her mouth and tucking it inside her jowls for later.

Three large German Shepherd Dog security officers with testicles like grapefruits, watched Pippin as he stood on top of the podium and wriggled his butt next to the beagle.  He was now exceedingly drunk and was belching in between trying to keep his ‘chewing gum of confidence’ in his mouth.

‘Watch him’ one GSD said to the other as they eyed him up suspiciously.

‘He is alright mate, he won’t get rowdy we promise’ Brutus tried to reassure the security guards.

‘Oi, boys – let’s go crowd surfing!’ Pippin yelled and before anyone could stop him, he threw himself into a small crowd of dogs that included a pug, a Schnauzer and a rather smelly greyhound with no teeth while taking the bikini bottoms of the beagle with him.

‘Ouch’ winced Brutus.

‘That has gotta hurt’ said Vader as he shook his head.

‘Where is Chewy?’ Rocco barked.

‘Will someone for the love of God come and help me!’ squeaked a little voice came from underneath Pippin. There lying under Pippin’s bum was a rather angry and indignant Chewy and not because he had been squashed, but because his hair had been messed up.

‘You lot get out now!’ the GSD growled firmly and roughly pulled Pippin up who was a bit  embarrassed by what he had done but was really too drunk to do anything about it.

Glancing round to the sound of a commotion behind Pippin, the other security guard GSD spotted Rocco having a fight with his invisible friend.  Rolling on the floor and punching fresh air while calling it a ‘wanker’, Rocco was so wired and angry he ended up making himself cry by pulling his own ears.

‘What the hell is he doing?’ the GSD shouted to Brutus who was the only sober one there.

‘He is fighting his invisible friend and you had better watch it because if he gets you then your arse is grass’ Brutus said in what he hoped was a tough voice.

‘Yeah, arse is grass!’ Vader added as he hid behind a wall post for protection while Chewy mouthed the words ‘Shut the hell up’ in a bid to keep the boys quiet.

‘Get them out now’ snarled the owner – a very important looking red cloud kelpie with an Aussie scarf tied round his neck who was sitting in a leather chair by the stage.

Within seconds Brutus, Pippin, Chewy, Vader, Rocco and his invisible friend found themselves being picked up by their collars and thrown out of the bar and the last thing they heard was the beagle bitch demanding to know who had stolen her knickers..

‘Well that escalated quickly’ Brutus muttered to Vader who was trying to hold his snorts in as he wanted to laugh so badly.

‘That was fun’ Pippin slurred and belching he muttered ‘I don’t feel well, I want my Mum’ and promptly vomited all over the floor.

‘He’s pissed’ Vader said knowingly to Brutus, ‘I can just tell’.

‘Get him to the car’ Brutus barked.

‘I am never going out with you lot again’ Chewy said looking totally offended by the evening.

And all Rocco could say was ‘Everyone is a bastard and I hate them all’.

Back in the car

‘I think I prefer the sensible Pippin’ Chewy said in the back of the car.

‘Yeah, so do I’ Rocco added.

‘Vader, have a look at what is on my head will you?’ Chewy asked Vader.

‘Chewing gum, how did that get there?’ Vader growled looking disgusted.

‘Has anyone seen my chewing gum?’ Pippin said drowsily from the front seat of the car.

And with that I shall leave out Chewy’s response because what he said is really too rude to print.

The next day

Pippin felt nauseous, he never knew the room could spin so violently.  Too scared to open his eyes, he took deep breaths to stop himself from vomiting.  Managing to briefly sit up, he noticed that he was still wearing his leather jacket, T-shirt and tight jeans and he also noticed that he was utterly filthy, covered in mud and was aching all over.

‘Good morning naughty brother, I hope you have got that all out of your system because it really isn’t becoming of you’ Bronte said cheerfully as she barged into Pippin’s room.

‘Chewy is absolutely furious about the chewing gum incident, Brutus told me all about it – anyway have a coffee’ Bronte said to Pippin and slapped the cup and saucer beside his bed and then left the room.

Pippin felt dreadful, perhaps this bad boy stuff was not for him, just like the leather and the denim and especially the chewing gum and as for the beagle knickers, we shall say no more about it as from what I have heard, they still haven’t been found.

The next day

Bronte was on her way out for a play date with Gigi and Nica – just the grown ups for a change.  Dressed in her shortest dress and Diva Pantz from Spoiled Bratzwear she was quite pleased with her appearance and gave herself an admiring glance as she passed a mirror.

‘Surely you are not going out in that short dress are you?’ Pippin barked firmly.

Turning round she saw Pippin at his desk wearing his usual brown collar, his spectacles at the end of his nose and no sign of any chewing gum.

Staring at her brother, Bronte felt a feeling of relief that he was back to normal, he could leave the naughty stuff to the others.

‘You are so sensible!’ Bronte laughed and then kissed Pippin on the cheek making him blush, ‘But I wouldn’t swap you for the world’.

And sensible suited Pippin just fine.

The End…

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright August 2015