Office Politics and Office Bitches and Bastards

Warning – this blog is politically incorrect and makes insulting and piss taking reference to the following:

1. Large people that eat their bodyweight in pasta 

2. Toilet humour

3. Good looking smarmy bastards

4. Overtly sexual females

5. No nonsense office bullies

6. IT Geeks

7. Menopause

It also contains some bad language and sexual innuendo so please read at your own risk. 

I have worked in many places during my working life and I have had a rich variety of should I say, ‘experiences’ – some good and some not so good and one thing that has remained constant and that is the characters that fill ‘the people boxes’ in the office environment.

Here are some of the characters that you may find in any office, you may be one of them or by reading my blog, may recognize some of them in one of your colleagues in which case, I would ask you not to snort with laughter if you see Andrew/Sharon from accounts doing exactly what I have written in my blog, you must restrain yourself for I am going to open up the doors to your imagination and hopefully ‘free’ you of those office bitches and bastards that may frequent your workplace.

The Dieting Office Bitch

Usually a rather large/fat woman that tells everyone that she is dieting, yet brings in a tub of pasta that could feed several families in several different countries.  This is normally devoured in a short space of time say 1 minute and then followed by a large slice of cake that she has made herself and will proudly announce that it is the ‘Weight Watchers’ recipe.

Don’t get in the lift with her because you may have noticed that she will always get in your lift when it is full to busting with people and there is barely enough room for a stick.  You will notice the horror on your colleagues faces as she comes bouncing towards the lift saying ‘Room for a little one!’ – except that she isn’t little and if she squishes herself into that lift, people could die – including the lift itself because it will fall down the lift shaft and you will end up in hell with fire, flames and people that wear horns.

She will also detract away from her own eating issues by bringing in boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts or cakes and make a point of handing them around so everyone can see that she has bought them.  This is where you will hear cries of ‘Thank you, did you bring them in? Oh how kind’  She may even be known as ‘Cake Woman’.

However, if she doesn’t like you, you will find that the offer of a doughnut does not come your way and you will be left with a few broken bits or pieces of doughnut with fat fingers poked through them.

Please don’t believe that the doughnuts ran out, they didn’t – she ate them or smashed them purposely to stop you having them.  Why? I hear you ask, the reason being is you are younger, slimmer and your arse looks better in jeans than hers ever would – quite simply she is jealous and if by some miracle she did save you a doughnut, then please for the love of Mike, put it in the bin because you can bet your bottom dollar that it will contain laxatives.

Now Dieting Office Bitch has some other traits that are not very pleasant, she will use the toilet at precisely the same time every single day and have her own favored cubicle that she uses and if you dare to be in that cubicle at the time she uses it then prepare to die.  It is an unwritten ruling that everyone has their own preferred cubicle at the times they like to use the toilet and in her case, it is normally two hours after eating the pasta mountain that she has devoured that morning.

You will soon know which is her preferred toilet by the smell that she leaves behind which trust me, is unique to her and normally smells of ‘bad stomach’ and pasta and as for the skid marks down the pan of the toilet – well think ‘tractor’ and you will just about cover a suitable description of such horrors.

But whatever happens, never ever steal her ‘toilet time’ – it is her time to ponder and reflect on how nasty she is, what she is going to eat the next day and more importantly, who will be on her hate list for cake denial.

How to deal with her:

1. When you know she is going to bring in cake, bring in your own and make it better, offer it one hour before she does so that people are full.

2. If you are brave enough, when she goes for ‘toilet time’, steal her cubicle and make nasty smells yourself, only wait until she is in the toilet because trust me, she won’t want to use another cubicle, she wants HER cubicle.  So write in the cubicle your name like ‘Judy’s toilet’ and then announce it to the office that is your favourite toilet.  If you have to, cock your leg like a dog outside to make your point and do it with a smile on your face and if you can, do cartwheels so it spreads further.

The Good Looking Smarmy Office Bastard

He is what he is – very handsome either in an obvious way or perhaps the more you look at him you think ‘Yes he is nice and I would’ but that could also be a case of ‘any port in a storm’ and if hot guys are thin on the ground, this guy could be ‘your port’ in the ‘office storm’ so to speak.

He is quite meticulous with his clothes, they are always clean and freshly pressed and he wears nice aftershave.  He lunches out every single day in an exclusive cafe and would absolutely hate it if he saw you there which ought to tempt you into going, purely to see his mouth disappear in disapproval when he spots you ordering your ham sandwich and latte at the counter, especially if you wave to him and yell in a high pitched voice ‘Hi there! fancy seeing you here!’ and then eat noisily and speak in a common accent to embarrass him further.

The Good Looking Smarmy Bastard is just that, he will be sugary vomit-inducing nice to any female that he finds attractive and to anyone that isn’t, he will speak loudly, he will shout and say things like ‘Just do it will you’ or ‘Let’s crack this thing to the bone’.  He will also reek of chewing gum and gaze at his perfectly manicured hands at frequent intervals – normally when he is plotting to either get the office (female) ‘hottie’ out on a date or who he would like to fire.

His ability to ooze sleaze is quite remarkable and his ability to crack the whip and work people into a stress induced influenza even more so.  He takes immense delight in telling people they have been made redundant and relishes in the fact that the average family man needs their job to pay their bills and feed their family.  This is a weakness that he hones in on and exploits to the point he becomes evil personified.

We must not forget that he is good looking, is well paid and could probably charm the undies off a nun so if you are going to allow this man take you for a drink after work to ‘discuss the new system’, please wear three pairs of panties and stick a trout down there as a deterrent because jumping into bed with him is akin to selling ones genitals to the devil in return for a paid lunch break.

How to deal with him:

There is no help with this one, he has the power to make your life hell but you could tell him that his breath smells and each time he talks to you, cover your nose and pretend to gag. Or perhaps when he enters the room, do a little finger wriggling sign which is indicative of a small penis.  He will have slept with many women in the office so implying he was not blessed with a good ‘pant python’ would be a way of putting him in his place.

The Overtly Sexual Good Looking Female Bitch

She is what she says on the tin – good looking, overtly sexual and oh boy is she a bitch.  She will appear sugar and spice to you when there are men within earshot but trust me, she is not interested in your 100 year old Great Aunt Mavis Davis being in a nursing home, she doesn’t much care if you have recently had twins or if your arm fell off in a boating accident – the only person that she is interested in is herself and the only people that she likes are the ones that in some way, can benefit herself.

It is easy to spot this person in the office, she wears clothes that show her entire self off, think super short skirts that could almost expose the ‘Lady Garden’ if she bent down low enough, her heels are skyscrapers, her tops are tight and low cut but her clothes are of exceptionally good quality, she does not buy crap clothes – they are well made but their sole purpose is to show off her body.

She will be loud, giggly and flirtatious in male company, she cannot help herself and can turn very quickly into a nasty and cutting female that can make one feel as though one needs to be placed in a body bag.

She is busy doing everything and nothing, and she will look rushed off her feet and claim to be ‘snowed under’ but will get very little work done but at the same time, will make the work that you do look inefficient and worse still, the management will fall for her charms and refer to her as a ‘little diamond’.  Do not trust her, she may be a ‘little diamond’ but she is a roughly cut one in a skirt and with a camel toe.

No matter how important the work that you are doing is, no matter how important your role is, she will take delight in trying to place herself on a higher level by standing over you while you are doing something super important and saying ‘Come with me, I have a LITTLE job for you’ and despite your attempts to explain that what you are doing is quite critical in terms of priority, she will insist that archiving her accounts stuff is more important.

She will finalise her moment of power by finding someone else to do the job that only you are trained to do, only she has taken the young girl from reception who has no clue about your skills and job description, to do your work and duly fuck it up.

Don’t fall for it, it is a power trip of the highest order – tell her that she can find someone else and really she should cover up her genitals and stop behaving like a female dog in season.

How to deal with her:

1. Dress yourself up better than her

2. Be better than her – make yourself indispensable

3. When she tries to take you away from your job to do something menial for her, tell her that you will be happy to help but you are just doing this one thing for your boss and will be there in a second.  (Pre empt her response by telling your boss what you are going to do before you do it so you are prepared)

Then adopt the ‘I am busy’ expression which involves walking past people and looking ‘through’ them as though they are fresh air because you are far too rushed off your feet and busy with important stuff – the secret is, you ARE busy with important stuff, you just have to ooze the confidence that says as much.

The IT Geek (and potential bastard)

The IT Geek and potential bastard is usually a plainly dressed plain man with jet black hair that tucks his shirt into his pants and smells of Sunday dinner farts and cheap aftershave and because he forgets to drink water at frequent intervals, he has bad breath as well.

He will keep himself to himself and always has his coffee at the same time every morning, brings a cheese and onion roll for lunch with an Activia yoghurt and an apple for afterwards and reeks of onion breath for days afterwards, in fact he always has onion breath which begs the question – does he brush and floss his teeth?

The IT Geek and potential bastard is comparable to God as he knows EVERYTHING that you do on the computer, he sees everything and stores it in his geeky head – not that God is a geek but you know what I mean.  So if you have your party photos stored on the company network, he will have seen them and will have a selection of them to add to his own hottie collection that he likes to look at from home and rate out of 10.

Try and get on his good side because if your internet is metered then you never know, he may just have the power to turn the blind eye to your internet usage so that you can have unlimited Facebook or something.

But be warned, if he gives you a knowing look and eyes you up and down, that means he has seen your entire collection of photos from your holiday in Turkey and those photos of you and the girls dancing naked to the ‘Macarena’ you were trying to keep secret – well he has them all in triplicate and has even made tablet mats out of them so that he can claim to have eaten his lunch off your breasts.

Why is he a bastard?  Because you need him for IT type favours, he knows it and you know it, he knows the underwear sites that you visit, he knows where you get your bras and your online shopping right down to the bra and panty size, in fact everything that you have put into the search engines including the time you googled ‘I have spots on my genitals’ or ‘How to wax an arrow on your minge’ and for that reason alone, you will end up being a slave to him forever – because my dears, he knows everything.

How to deal with the Office IT Geek

1. Tell him that you love Apple products, if he blanches and vomits and tells you that his heart belongs to Microsoft, tell him that you love Microsoft more but was bought an Apple product as a gift/experiment and could you please pick his brains and expertise about some new software that you have recently purchased.

2. Never, ever ever in your long legged life, store your photos on the network drive.  If you have then delete them – your holiday photos are not for his eyes and you never know if he has ordered place mats with your breasts on them so play it safe and never store them.  If you are unlucky and he already has photos of you, tell him that they are off your twin sister Mabel and could he delete them as a mark of respect.

3. Ask him if you can see his Facebook and then admire his photo collection whilst at the same time, making a mental note of his photographs and out of work dress sense.  You may be able to gleam from this information if he is a panty sniffer or not, or perhaps he wears a leather gimp mask at the weekend and calls himself ‘Genelle’.

The ‘no nonsense’ older nasty office bitch (usually a supervisor     and menopausal)

Now this is a tough one to crack.  She is good at her job, has made herself indispensable, has been there so long that she is part of the furniture and her reputation for being a bitch is well justified as even management are scared of her because she shouts at them and loudly – at least twice a week.

When you are given a task by her she will be positively acidic if you don’t get it right yesterday and first time and she will think nothing of shouting and berating you to prove her superiority and totally in front of an audience.

You will get to the stage where you feel nauseous just by the sound of her voice, which is so sharp you could cut glass with it.

She eats healthily but will ‘eat on the go’ as she doesn’t feel that she has time for a lunch break and will stare at you to make a point if you dare to take a lunch yourself and will often pass derogatory comments at whatever food you bring in, glaring at it over the top of her glasses complaining ‘that smells awful, what is it?’  Which a good reply would be ‘dog turd pie’ to shut her up.

She is going through the menopause and boy does everyone know it.  Now the menopause is a perfectly natural and normal part of a womans life and whilst the symptoms may be unpleasant, it does not give you the right to be evil and this woman is evil in its purest form.

Jealous of anything younger, fitter, prettier than herself, she will take each and every hot flush out on any female that appears to have more moisture.

When she loses her temper which is frequently, she will go red, hot and sweaty and steam will come from the top of her head, a bit like Fred in that ‘Drop Dead Fred’ film or even like a steam train.

If she coughs, she wets herself and you will see this because after each cough, she will scuttle away to the toilets to check the damage and then come back smelling like an old lady in the post office on pension day.

If you so much as leave a pencil out of place on your desk, she will  scream like a beagle with shampoo in its eyes and if you turn up looking attractive, then that is it – she will set fire to your minge and perform a menopausal war dance around your feet.

Watch her and watch her well because the moment you stand up to her, your cards are marked and she will try and get you out of the company because as good at her job though she is, she is also good at being nasty and does not want you to challenge that.

How to deal with her:

This one is severe and requires serious handling so I suggest the following:

1. Look the part

2. Be the part

3. And do not let the bitch grind you down

Failing that, wear a T shirt on ‘casual Fridays’ saying ‘Young, Moist and Full of the right Hormones’

So my friends, that is it for my rundown on office bitches and bastards and the run down to office dynamics.

Know your place and make sure it is way above these characters, be one step ahead of your game and never ever let anyone make you dread going in to your job for which you have every right to be there.

Basically, draw your line and let no-one cross it.

 Samantha Rose (c) copyright 2012

Tales from the Rails…..

I don’t know if you have noticed but there seems to be a set group of characters that travel by train, a bit like a jigsaw of various shapes and sizes and these characters fit that jigsaw like a glove – except a glove that fits me because I have only 9 fingers but that is another story.

Here are my characters

Cute Businessman

You get your hot and rather cute businessman, that wears a nice suit, smells of nice aftershave, carries the latest Apple iPad, wears shiny shoes, has a briefcase and usually catches the train in the rush hour in the evening (my train) and despite being crowded by lots of smelly people, he will successfully do business with a somewhat smug look on his face while he manages to type quite quickly on his iPad which is a skill in itself.  I get huge pleasure from watching this guy because any man that can multitask whilst surrounded by stinkers gets my vote.

Older (dry) Woman

Then you get the older woman who just oozes menopause – this was the woman sat next to me on one journey, she kept staring at me and either wanted to eat my minge, thought I was a long lost friend, cousin, enemy or just wanted to look at me the way in which I look at others.  She had short ginger hair, thin lips like she has sucked a lemon and she just looked plain resentful of other women – especially those that hadn’t entered ‘the change’. Now there is usually one of these women on a train and you can imagine working with them, and perhaps them slipping poison into the cakes of the young and fresh twenty somethings in the office.

Old man

The old man that falls asleep – this was the guy on one of my train journeys that coughed irritatingly in his sleep, he wore a black duffle coat with toggles on it – not unlike the toggles on my tent in the shed, perhaps it was my tent I am not sure.  This guy probably falls asleep on every train journey and I should not go any further because I too have fallen asleep on the train – several times, but I don’t wear a duffle coat with toggles that could have come from a tent.

Larger lady (camel toe)

The larger lady that wears leggings – now this really is a crime and I have sighted more than my fair share already.  Now I am not a lover of leggings anyway, but if you are of suitable size like myself, and care to wear leggings – please for the love the lady garden, cover up your vagina – we do not want to see it, no really we don’t and it is all well and good saying ‘don’t look then’ you try not looking when you have half a pound of camel toe encased in leggings with the shortest of top staring at you, virtually winking like a hippos minge.  Wear a long top to cover up the genitals and please, don’t bend down near me when you are wearing a G string that cuts your arse like cheese wire going through cheddar.

Jesus (lookalike)

The Jesus lookalike – now there is always one man that resembles Jesus, he could be a blonde Jesus or a black haired Jesus or even a ginger Jesus – he usually smells quite a bit and may have some food attached to his beard in case there is a war and he needs to be sent to a shelter while some old dear sings ‘we’ll meet again’ – Jesus normally wears tatty cargo pants, tatty trainers, trench coat and smells of testosterone and sweat and filth and maybe even dog shit.  Don’t pray to him please, there is not point – only unless you pray he has a wash or you want extra Easter eggs or something.

Lady with a foghorn voice and mobile

The lady that talks too loud on her mobile phone – I sat next to her on my way back from a temp job once, she was from Beijing – how do I know? because she started the conversation in English and said she was going home to Beijing and then chatted for 15 mins straight in Chinese and did so very loudly.  I had to laugh because she had a book about rice recipes in her hand and kept flicking through various pages of rice recipes.  By the time she ended the conversation purely because the battery on her iPhone went flat, several passengers were glaring at her and I was at that point where I wanted to tell her that rice was illegal in Perth and she would have to substitute her recipe ideas for pasta, purely to annoy her.

Oddball ‘regular’

The man with the fat tongue – now he is a regular and honestly, when I used to commute in to Perth every day, I would witness him chewing on his tongue every morning like a fat steak.  His tongue is like a mattress and rather splendid and deserving of a seat of its own, I like him.  He is a regular and I can forgive his body odor because he has become comparable to a rather comfy pair of slippers and if he is not on the train, I miss him – Go Mr Fat Tongue!

The ‘Farter’

The man that farts in crowded places – MY train!  now I don’t know who the culprit is, well except for the other day when Justin Bieber lookalike guffed in front of me, I heard it, I smelt it, I tasted it and I nearly sicked it up.  He had the grace to blush as soon as he had farted and then shuffled off in his tight jeans that made him walk as though his arse was chewing a toffee, or perhaps he was scared he would shit himself, who knows? Not me that’s for sure, but either way I think he has mega colon or some sort of bowel disease or perhaps he ate something or needs a bowl of rice, except there is no rice because I have declared it illegal in Perth.

Now I hate standing on trains as I cannot observe or anything and I am having dire urges to do naughty things on the train, some of my ideas include:

1. Pole dancing around the poles and playing my iTunes on my iPhone and turning it up and saying ‘feel free to put dollar notes in my boots’

2. Getting two friends to join me and we can dress up as the three monkeys ‘hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil’, except we could change it to ‘See no camel toe, hear no noisy eaters’ and ‘smell no shit’ and we could perch on the seats, one covering their eyes, one covering their nose and one covering their ears and we could adopt the monkey position.

3. Getting a friend to give me a piggy back down the train whilst saying ‘I am disabled you know’

4. Dressing my kelpie dog Rocky up as a guide dog, give him dark sunglasses, get myself a white stick and smuggle him on the train, except he wont have the traditional guide dog outfit, I will make him a ‘Super Kelp’ cape like Superman had and tell everyone he has super powers.

5. Get on the train with a doll and then ask everyone to admire my baby.

6. Get my fart machine and yes, I do have one – thanks to my friend Nicola who lovingly bought it and posted it to Perth where it got through Australian Customs and then I could set it off on the train.

7. Go up to a passenger and ask them to pull my finger – then use the fart machine.

8. Dress up in a uniform and go down the train and say ‘passports please’ and pretend I am from immigration

So you see the childish ideas keep coming and the more I do this journey I do fear that I will become more insane than I already am and at 45 years old, this is not a good sign.

So my tips for train travel are as follows:

1. Always be clean and wash yourself

2. Wear clean clothes – egg stains are not nice

3. If you must store food in the tangles of your beard, make sure you change the food regularly

4. If you must look like Jesus, then wear sandals to complete the look and always carry some bread and fish

5. If you want to wear leggings – cover up your vagina, it is not nice and makes me think that you smell

6. Please do not eat noisily, it doesn’t matter how much you enjoy your food, you can enjoy it with your mouth closed – except when you are putting food in it of course.

7. Please don’t let the entire train hear your phone conversation, not unless it is about juicy gossip about how your mate got gang banged in the Northern Territory or how your mate Jimbo lost his penis in an incident involving a kangaroo and an emu feather.

8. If you are old and enjoying your menopause, please do not glare at women younger than you as though they had cockroaches pouring from their ears and nostrils.  If you are going through a dry spell, do not be resentful, just talk to the chemist but don’t glare at other women or they may think you are after their mackerel.  Besides, menopause comes to all women and if the fresh young twenty somethings are annoying you, take comfort in the fact that in twenty years, their minge will resemble something like the Sahara.

So that is a breakdown of train characters for my train and if I could take photographs I would.

Samantha over and out – until next time where I will be appearing at a station near you, on a train you may be on.

See you later….