Dogs (Iggys) of War

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Today’s blog is about what happens when two breeds of opposite extremes clash and let’s face it, some times that can happen. Warning – some adult content/words but don’t blame me, blame Rocco.

Dogs (Iggys) of War

The Iggys were thoroughly over excited because the day that they had been waiting for had finally arrived – the Italian Greyhound Play Date. Everyone had been talking about it; Pippin had been busy organising everyone’s diaries and the other Iggys had been instructed to wear their best designer outfits.

Rumours had it that many of the dogs would be wearing the posh hand-made clothes from ‘Spoiled Bratzwear Canine Couture’ from the USA; which really is the canine equivalent to ‘Prada or Gucci’. Competition for these clothes is fierce, after all every dog wants to be unique in their fashion sense so other dogs on the blog can get jealous and Spoiled Bratzwear is THE place for the respectable dog to get his/her clothes from.

So basically as you can see, the Iggy play date was the place for the Iggys to show off their new clothes and make other dogs jealous because the biggest complement for a dog is not a human admiring their collar or jacket; it is in fact when another dog admires it.

‘Does my bum look big in this?’ Bronte asked Pippin who muttered something about ‘looking just fine and not having time for this girly rubbish’ Pippin never knew what to say to Bronte when she asked that question and thought it safer to change the subject. Iggys could be very peculiar about their weight and several of them had been known to make themselves vomit on command in order to get attention or fit into the latest outfit.

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Bronte shows off her purple outfit to Pippin

Pippin was looking very dapper in his suit, sporting the colours of the USA and he was also excited because his Mum Denise had been up until the early hours on the Spoiled Bratzwear site buying even more clothes. Pippin believes that a good dog can never have too many nice clothes in his/her wardrobe.

Actually Pippin had become a bit of a ‘dealer’ in dog clothes and was the dog to go to if anyone wanted anything ordering. Bronte who didn’t want to miss out on the action, found herself becoming very popular amongst the group because she got first dibs on the best outfits although I do believe on one occasion she ruined her credibility by pissing on her new sassy pants – but don’t tell her I said that as Bronte is still ashamed about that little incident.

Anyway as I said it was ‘the’ event to be seen at and all/most the Iggys would be there, some would even be talking in fake Italian accents and wearing Gucci sunnies, whilst some would smoke catnip cigarettes in a cigarette holder. Those that could not be there still would not miss out, as they would see it by Skype and this included Amex in QLD who rarely if ever missed out on such an event.

‘Is Brutus going?’ Bronte asked Pippin, secretly hoping that he would be there as she harboured a bit of a crush on the Scooby Doo lookalike.

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Scooby Doo (Brutus) – simply cannot be disguised as an Iggy!

 ‘No he isn’t, he really is too big to fit in with us and despite our best efforts, and we cannot disguise him as an Iggy’. Pippin replied and then added ‘Are you ready, Mum wants to leave – we don’t want to be late’

‘Hold on, I have to check if my bum is clean’ Bronte squeaked and then stuffed her pointy snout in the direction of her anus to make sure it was clean as Pippin rolled his eyes to the heavens – girls, they always took too long to get ready.

At the dog park

On arrival Pippin noticed that there were lots of big dogs in the area that the Iggys were meant to be going in to, and as the ‘head of the Iggy group’, this made him nervous as it was his job to protect them all but if truth be known these dogs could eat him for breakfast and he knew it.

As more Iggys arrived, there were lots of air-kisses and ‘hellos’ as they were all pleased to see one another. Lots of cheeky little Iggy bottoms wriggling and tails wagging at high speed as the dogs happily got into the spirit of things.

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Italian greyhounds – such gossips you know

‘Bronte – lovely outfit darling!’ Madame Gigi shouted in her high-pitched helium voice.

‘Pippin – looking cool my man’ Nica said approvingly at Pippin’s outfit, causing Pippin to blush at such a public display of affection.

‘Bollocks, go away! Piss off fart face, god you are fat, who do you think you are? Call that a snout?’ A familiar voice growled at various dogs walking by. Rocco was having a burst of his Tourette’s again which involved shouting at random dogs that happened to catch his eye.

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Rocco can argue with himself quite nicely thank you!

‘Rocco you are so naughty!’ Fletch said in a calm voice, Rocco who was really in no mood for pleasantries, simply replied ‘Yes I know, I am sorry Fletch’ and then yelled ‘piss off, bollocks, who stole my bones? God you are so fat, did you eat all the dog chow?’ at a chunky Labrador that was sitting near him.

Rocco was so furious and wound up that his Mum had to have words with him to stop him insulting people.

Finally the Iggys were all present if not incorrect and were taken into the fenced area of the ‘off-leash’ part of the dog park and that my friends, was when the trouble started.

‘Oi, pointy snout brigade, where the hell do you think you are going?’ A rather large and common looking tan mongrel dog with a straggly beard and a faded leather collar on his neck; yelled loudly at Pippin.

‘The name is Pippin, this is my group – can you let us in please?’ Pippin said in what he hoped was a firm voice. He actually thought of addressing the other dogs in Italian but judging by their ‘derro-faces’, it would not work and they would certainly not recognise the class and breeding of the Iggys.

‘My name is Bastard and I don’t want you in this area, we are doing obedience you know’ the mongrel said in a nasty voice.

Pippin raised his eyebrows – obedience – really? I think not and judging by his behaviour, you simply cannot polish a turd.

‘What’s this then, lunch on legs?’ A big Chow Chow walked up and stood beside Bastard the mongrel, ‘Oh more like a snack I see’ he added.

‘Yeah right, you want some? I could rip you a new arse if I wanted to and I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this but your back is sloping and you look deformed’ Starbucks the pug/cavalier shouted in a surprisingly loud voice for such a little dog.

‘I bet your Mum gets your collars from BigW’ Starbucks yelled and then decided to keep quiet as the other Iggys were now hiding behind their owners legs and Starbucks realised that her mouth was far bigger than her body although she looked cute though I have to say.

‘Come on everyone, we have as much right to be here as they have’ Said Pippin trying to sound firm when secretly he wanted to soil himself and much to his horror and shame, he did a ‘Brutus’ and for those of you that don’t know; ‘doing the Brutus’ is when you fart and almost shit yourself.

‘Bloody hell man, that’s disgusting!’ The Chow Chow shouted and started to choke, although he was a fine one to talk, as nothing and I mean nothing farts quite like a Chow Chow – aside from a boxer – just ask Lexie on that one, we have been gassed out of her car on several occasions by Vader the boxer.

‘Let’s play chase!’ A husky shouted and promptly started to chase one of the Iggys and made him cry by placing a paw heavily on its back.

And before long it became every dog for him/herself as the bigger dogs tried to chase the Iggys while shouting rude things about Pippin’s fart and pointy snout. Obedience – I don’t think so judging by the way the dogs were behaving, it was like a bun fight.

‘Run for your lives, run for the hills, just run for cover’ Pippin yelled as a mass of skinny legs and pointy snouts scattered like little spiders to the safer area of the park with the bigger dogs hot on their tails.

Once around the corner the frightened and exhausted Iggys were all shouting in high-pitched voices, speaking so fast that they could barely be understood.

‘I think I am dead, Pippin am I dead, I think I am broken, I am sure I am broken – someone catch me before I faint!’ Madame Gigi said dramatically to anyone that would listen and everyone that wouldn’t.

‘I don’t think I will ever recover’ Nica sobbed and then started to count her legs to see if they were all still there. Fletch tried to comfort her but then remembered how scared he had been and decided to let out a few whimpers so he too could get some sympathy.

Meanwhile Apollo, Cino and Lily were re-living the entire thing and were already planning on how they were going to tell everyone at the next lure-coursing event and even got out their mobile phones to update their Facebook statuses.

‘Fought off a wild pack of dogs – at least 1000 of them, but we are OK for now’ Lilly wrote on her FB and within minutes had replies of ‘OMG, really, are you OK hun?’ from her FB friends.

Nora, Charlie and Joey pretended to collapse so that Quartz the greyhound could revive them but even Quartz was at a loss what to do with the dramatic tiny little dogs that believed the canine apocalypse had started in the form of mongrels and Chow Chows.

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Quartz the greyhound 

Then suddenly Hershey noticed that Bronte had escaped the group and had gone round to where the other dogs were and was joyously galloping around proudly showing off her purple romper suit.

‘Look at me, aren’t I pretty!’ Bronte yelled and before she knew it; found herself being chased by Bastard; who ran straight into the Iggy area and started verbally abusing them whilst shouting something about eating disorders and legs that snap like carrots.

‘Bronte come here now!’ Pippin screamed at his sister while Quartz the greyhound looked on in admiration at the Bronte in her purple suit running around teasing the other dogs.

‘You – Bastard, back away from MY group NOW!’ Pippin shouted in a voice so loud that he frightened even himself with his newly acquired attitude.

‘Yeah, and who is going to make me?’ Bastard the mongrel dog sneered whilst flashing his grubby canine teeth, worn down from chewing rocks.

Pippin swallowed nervously but not taking his eyes off Bastard, he took a deep breath and replied ‘Me, I am going to make you’. Pips legs were shaking and he hoped that Bastard wouldn’t notice just how terrified he was.

‘Yeah, and me as well’ Rocco stepped forward and then did a threatening ‘cut-throat’ gesture with his front paws.

‘And me’ Starbucks barked from the safety of her owners arms, but she meant it though and she was sure she could take out this dog if she wanted to.

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Starbucks – good things come in small packages!

‘Yep, and me as well and I will not be easy to take down either, I have chased rabbits faster than you’ Quartz the greyhound added her part.

‘And me’ Bronte added.

Nica, Madame Gigi, Fletcher, Apollo, Cino, Lilli, Nora, Charlie and Joey then formed a ‘chain of Iggys’ separating Bastard the mongrel from the ‘safe area’ where all the Iggys were standing.

‘And you can take us on as well if you want – but you pay the price if you do’ said Apollo in his firmest voice while the others puffed out their skinny chests and tried to make themselves look big.

‘You reckon I am scared of you lot?’ Bastard laughed and then tried to beckon his Chow Chow friend and the husky to come over.

Pippin whose heart was doing summersaults in his chest drew a surprising amount of strength from his Iggy friends. Shrugging his shoulders at Bastard, he said simply ‘Your choice, you can take the chance with my lot or you can piss off back to your so called obedience class’

At that point Madame Gigi almost wet herself and Cino and Lilli snorted with laughter as they had never heard Pippin swear and it sounded funny coming from Pippin, a bit like the Queen – can you imagine old Lizzie saying ‘bollocks’?

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Madame Gigi – easily amused by Pip swearing

Bastard the mongrel looked around the little dogs in disdain and said in an angry but somewhat defeated voice ‘You lot will keep until next time’.

‘Yep, I am sure we will but next time we will have more of us and we will keep getting more of us until you realise that you do not own the park but you do however, own your behaviour which I might add is shockingly disgusting’ Pippin replied, and with that he turned around and faced the rest of the group, leaving Bastard standing there feeling deflated.

Bastards owner came and got him and took him away and pretty soon everything had calmed down, well actually it hadn’t calmed down as Pippin who is actually sexually confused, was now taking out his stress by humping the boys and sniffing their genitals but once again, that is another story entirely because Pippin is known as ‘metrosexual’ and has a strong appreciation and liking for humping male dogs and if desperation kicks in – humping fresh air.

‘What on earth happened there?’ Amex demanded to Pippin when he heard about it later on Skype.

‘Just a bit of trouble with some dogs, nothing I couldn’t handle’ Pippin said with fake confidence but inwardly feeling all weak and wobbly like you do as a child when a teacher tells you off.

‘I would have bashed those dogs for you no trouble, they would not have messed with me’ Amex said confidently and then started doing karate moves with his legs on camera to show Pip his ability to take down big dogs.

Pippin laughed ‘Yes Amex, I know you could’

(Sounds of barking as a commotion started to take place)

‘Where is Rocco?’ Madame Gigi asked while straining her neck to look around.

Hershey replied ‘I haven’t seen him but I think I can hear him swearing somewhere’  straining his head like a meerkat, Hershey heard the familiar sounds of Rocco shouting various swear words and insults.

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Hershey the little meerkat

‘Oh my god, is that him?’ Joey asked.

‘I think it is’ Charlie responded as Pippin mumbled something along the lines of ‘God help us!’

‘You big fat turd legged bunch of anus-heads!’ Rocco shouted as he happily ran in-between the obedience group while flashing his anus at the Chow Chow.

‘Rocco, come here now!’ His mum demanded in a loud voice.

‘You all smell of turd, piss off, god you are so fat, where is your snout, at least I don’t have bad hips’ Rocco yelled as he ran around the area whilst flipping the bird and flashing his bum.

Starbucks was now barking her head off and begging to be aloud to join Rocco while the other Iggys just sat and watched in horror.

Eventually Rocco was caught and reluctantly brought back to the group but not before he had called every dog in the obedience group fat/ugly/crusty/no snout/big ears and whatever other insults he could think of at the time.

‘I, Rocco, regret nothing and I think you are all bastards’ Rocco said in a rather proud voice.

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Rocco (he regrets nothing)

‘He never does – regret anything I mean’ Madame Gigi whispered to Hershey who nodded in agreement.

‘Thank you Rocco, now that will be all if you don’t mind’ Pippin replied firmly and just as Rocco was about to argue again, he looked at Pippins face and thought better of it.

Home time

The Iggys were ready to go home and their owners were getting ready to take them to their cars. Pippin was writing something in his diary about Madame Gigi wanting to place an order for designer Italian clothes and a diamond collar; as well as taking notes for the next big event, which is lure coursing of course and the question being; whether or not Mouse Norris would be in attendance.

Pippin was secretly exhausted and badly shaken up after the day’s events but he couldn’t let his group know just how scared he was as it was his job to defend them – even from dogs that could eat him.

But what he (Pippin) didn’t notice was that the other Iggys, Quartz and Starbucks had formed two lines to Pippin’s car.

‘OK everyone, we will regroup next week to discuss lure coursing and of course to catch up with Gidget Goldsmith who has been off circuit for a while’ Pippin said importantly, unaware that the dogs were lined up in a ‘corridor of Iggy’.

‘Are you lot listening?’ Pippin sighed, ‘What is going on with you ……..’ Pippin trailed off in mid sentence.

Staring around him, Pippin saw every single Iggy plus Starbucks and Quartz lined up and one by one, each Iggy started to applaud him until every single dog in that area was clapping including a beagle puppy and a white fluffy dog that had gate crashed the event.

‘What is going on?’ Pippin asked, now blushing like a girl with embarrassment.

‘For standing up to the bullies’ Nica said proudly and the other Iggys nodded frantically in agreement – it was like several pointy snouts all going off at once like a pointy pen writing contest.

‘Three cheers for Pippin!’ Shouted Madame Gigi in her high-pitched voice.

And although Iggys don’t have powerful voices, as each cheer got louder and more passionate, by the end of it every single dog in the park had heard it and what is more, they knew why little Pippin was being heralded a hero in the first place.

With his stiff upper lip and restraint, Pippin took a deep breath and nodded appreciatively and replied ‘Thank you everyone, now let’s all get home and I will see you all next week’.

Pippin stared at all of his friends – Nica, Gigi, Fletcher, Apollo, Cino, Lilli, Nora, Charlie, Joey, Hershey, Quartz, Starbucks and of course the angry little Rocco who was quietly arguing with himself in the corner – tiny little dogs with attitude and he was very proud of them all.

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You take on one Iggy, you taken on them all – according to Apollo!

Bronte stood quietly by her brothers side, she was bursting to take orders for their new clothes but this was Pippins moment and she wasn’t going to steal his thunder, well actually she would steal his toys later but that’s OK; what is Pippin’s is also Bronte’s – especially when it comes to food, toys and treats.

Pippin and Bronte were lifted into the car, Bronte put in her crate while Pippin was secured into his seat belt where he proceeded to look out of the car window and smile at his friends.

Pippin could see Nica and Hershey Skyping Amex on the phone giving him an exaggerated account of the day’s events and by the time Hershey had finished telling his side of the story, I believe the amount of large dogs in the incident had doubled and there were actually some lions involved.

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Nothing like hiding behind your owner for protection when you are Chino the Iggy Pup!

Later that evening

Pippin and Bronte were tucked up in their beds chatting about the day.

‘Pippin?’ Bronte whispered.

‘Yes Bronte?’ Pippin replied.

‘Thank you for looking after us today’ said Bronte.

‘That’s OK, it’s my job’ Pippin said quietly, although Bronte must never know how scared he had been.

‘Pippin, were you scared at all – those dogs were really big?’ Bronte asked nervously.

‘Scared? Me? No of course I wasn’t scared’ Lied Pippin while keeping his paws crossed to cancel out the lie – Brutus taught him if he tells a lie and crosses his paws then it doesn’t count.

‘I was scared’ Bronte replied and then added ‘but I was so glad you saved us and we all felt safe with you around’.

‘Goodnight Bronte’ Pippin said to his sister and within minutes he could hear Bronte snoring gentle little Iggy snores as she dreamt about her hero brother saving the world from dogs called ‘Bastard’ and his gang.

Should he tell her just how scared he had been? Perhaps not – everyone is allowed his or her moment of glory and this was Pippin’s.

Snuggling up in his bed, Pippin used his pointy snout to rearrange his blankets. After a few seconds he gave out a typical doggy sigh before he fell asleep to dream about saving the world – well, his park at least.

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Pippin – good at organising and saving his gang!

The End

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright August 2014

Please do not reproduce/use these photographs without my explicit permission.  The  photograph of Rocco remains the property of Francesca Perino

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