Brutus – you want me to have a what?

Today I have to report that Vader has been super naughty and has encouraged my boys to have ideas above their station.

I was bathing Brutus in the garden, now Brutus and water simply do not mix, Brutus and heat do not mix, Brutus and the cold/wet do not mix.

The only thing Brutus mixes with are clement temperatures as in the right temperatures, short bursts of energy, long Nana naps on his bed and Tony Abbott – that is it.

So when I bath him, he thinks I am assaulting his ‘Brutus-ness’ and he shivers, he cries, he licks the dripping water off his legs in a bid to stop it dripping and his bottom lip hangs down like a wash hand basin.

Rocky also hates baths as well but loves swimming which I can sort of understand but Brutus, well mention the word ‘bath’ and you may as well say ‘die now brown dog’.

‘Hey turd legs, Mum has the shampoo and a Cham-Wow so that can only mean one thing, you smell like turd and it’s bath time!’ Gordon said in a ginger smug voice. And we all know how much Gordon likes his baths so he can afford to be smug.

Gordon does smug very well – he loves his baths

‘Don’t tease me, I don’t smell’ Brutus stuttered and then sniffed his own bum and decided that perhaps he did a little bit.

Rocky lay on his bed safe in the knowledge that he had his bath after swimming yesterday and would happily follow Brutus out to watch him if only to laugh at him.

Rocky – the traditional water kelpie

‘Come on Brutus let’s go for a bath’ I said and clipped the leash on to his collar.

Now at two years old you would think that temper tantrums would be behind him but no, they are not and with all of his body weight, he threw himself to the floor and went floppy.

‘Don’t make me, please don’t make me – I don’t smell too bad do I?’ Brutus sobbed.

‘No darling but sadly Cockburn Cement Works are spilling out their cement dust which is kind of making you into a dirty dog and you don’t want that kind of crap on your coat do you?’ I reassured him, and all of it was true – my dogs, my house and my car are quite disgusting from dust fallout which seems to be a right bastard in the Summer.

Please don’t wash my ‘Brutus-ness’ off, it takes ages to smell like this!

Eventually I got Brutus outside and tied him up and then set about wetting him with the hose while Rocky stood at a safe distance with his tennis ball in his mouth muttering ‘Oh my god, I am SO glad I had mine yesterday’.

I had just done the first shampoo when Vader the boxer started adding his twopence worth from next door.

‘Oh my god Brutus, run for your life, save yourself and your children – she is going to drown you!’ Vader yelled with his fat over sized tongue getting tangled up in his teeth.

Dogs have melted having baths – according to Vader

Bloody cheek of it, I shared a dog chew with him the other day, one would think that he would be more grateful.

The normally sensible Rocky decided to go to the fence to hear what Vader was saying and if I expected Rocky to tell him to shut up, I was sadly mistaken.

‘Rocky, go and save your brother, use diversion tactics – that hose is really a thick and long python that will eat you all including your tennis balls’ Vader said firmly to Rocky.

Rocky usually tells Vader to ‘Piss off’ just like he did at swimming yesterday but this time he heeded the warning. After all, how did we know it wasn’t true – the hose looked like a python.

Rocky – usually the sensible one

So by now Rocky started barking with Vader and both of them were shouting ‘Save yourselves, you will turn to shit and get picked up in a poo bag and put in the bin’

‘You will turn to turd’ Rocky shouted dramatically.

‘Turd is the same as shit stupid!’ Tess sighed and then admired her the pretty colours that her Mum had put in her fur.

Look at my pretty paws – says Tess

Vader looked thoughtful and replied ‘Yes well, he will turn to something if he doesn’t get away from that python-hose’.

Rocky and Vader both barking which set off the two noisy terriers over the road who were now on the whole ‘Dog Warning Bark System’.

‘Dog being drowned in the suburb and washed in turd and eaten by a hose that used to be a snake’. The terriers shouted together.

As you all know that when dogs start up the warning bark it is comparable to a case of Chinese Whispers and what starts out as ‘Dog being bathed, help him’ ends up as ‘Dog ate bath and washed his owner and became a space-goat’

All the dogs in the suburb will get involved and work themselves up to fever pitch, froth at the mouth and look as though they have caught rabies.

Even dogs that don’t normally like one another and let’s face it, Rocky doesn’t like anyone, will form a solid unit of canine solidarity in order to get the message across.

And when it all finishes, they sort of cough nervously at the thought of letting their emotions go, and then go back to calling each other ‘Wankers’ through the fence.

Anyway, there I was washing Brutus and I was now on the second shampoo as I was trying very hard to get cement dust from his coat.

‘Prepare for the launch of tennis balls’ Vader shouted through the gap in the fence.

‘Ready and waiting!’ Rocky barked and then picked up his dirtiest tennis ball and threw it at my feet where it bounced and got Brutus on the side of his hind leg, leaving a filthy mark on it.

‘Rocky will you stop it!’ I hissed at the jaunty little black kelpie who was being surprisingly naughty with Vader encouraging him.

‘Rocky – save yourselves, you are next – you will be put on the BBQ and turned into a hot dog!’ Vader barked loudly and was getting louder by the minute.

‘Vader, you really talk crap sometimes’ Tess sighed and shook her head. Such dramatics and all over a bath which was no big deal as he could always roll in the mud again – that is what she would do.

In fact Tess is quite proud of her ability to make herself dirty after a nice wash – just ask Lexie.

‘Oh god this is funny, I must tell Pippin’ Gordon snorted with laughter and used his special ginger mobile to call Pippin the Italian greyhound to get ‘evidence’ that Brutus is a big girl for being scared of water and more to the point, so are Vader and Rocky.

‘Pippin, you should see Brutus behaving like a big girl whilst having his bath!’ Gordon laughed down the phone, he was laughing so much that he farted which is most un-Gordon-like. Gordon is actually more prone to vomiting Exorcist style but we won’t go into that as I dry retch thinking about it.

Pippin was horrified as any self respecting Iggy will tell you that water and delicate dogs do not mix and Iggies (Italian Greyhounds) have been known to literally melt when they come into contact with water, just as they have been known to lose legs when they are bitten by ants.

Pippin the Italian Greyhound – dogs that melt in baths

‘Bathing Brutus?’ Pippin asked Gordon, ‘This is serious, I need to tell the group!’ he added sounding alarmed.

‘Are you OK Pippin?’ Bronte asked her brother.

Looking a touch pale, Pippin grabbed his iPad to do a FB status update and typed ‘OMG It’s Brutus – and a total disaster, he is being bathed with shampoo in the garden and has been eaten by the python-hose!’

Within seconds Madam Gigi, Nica, Bentley, Rocco and the gang had all responded with ‘Are you OK Hun? Shall we come round?’ Rocco was less tactful and just wrote ‘Bollocks’ but that is his Tourettes coming out so we can’t blame him.

Pippin sobbed to Bronte ‘Rocky and Vader are involved in the canine warning system but rumours have it and I don’t know who started them (Vader), that the water is coming out of the python-hose and everyone is going to be eaten!’ Pippin said sounding so terrified that Bronte actually pissed her knickers.

See – I told you dogs can use Facebook!

By the time I had done the final rinse on Brutus, Vader had barked himself stupid and his tongue had dried up and it was stuck to the fence – well I never actually saw it stuck to the fence but Tess told me it had and that was good enough for me as Tess never tells lies because she is a good girl.

Even a pelican that flew over the houses yelled down at me and called me a ‘dog drowning, python munching space-goat’ and that for a bird, is a dreadful insult to give.

‘I have never seen so much fuss over a bath’ I sighed as I took Brutus round to the dog area to dry off.

‘I dare you to roll in turd once she lets you out’ Vader shouted to Brutus who was still traumatized after his bath and was already planning to see Colleen from Manners ‘n’ More dog training for therapy to get over it.

‘I dare you to roll in the mud’ Rocky said defiantly to Brutus who just looked like a drowned rat and could not find the words to respond.

‘Brutus, just ignore them – you are lovely and clean now and will smell so nice’ Tess said from her garden in a soothing voice.

And as quickly as Vader started the incident, he finished it because soon all I could hear was him doing his usual ‘Boxer-fence-snuffling’ to check for food. On hearing Vader snouting at the fence, Rocky jumped up to the gap and spotted Vader’s fat tongue bulging out.

‘Oi, what do you think you are doing snub nose bastard?’ Rocky growled.

‘Yeah, look at you with your triangle pointy ears and snout – clicky hipped spastic!’ Vader yelled back.

‘I can’t keep up with you two’ Tess shook her head and went back to admiring her pretty paws.

‘Same time next week? – it should be good’ Rocky shouted to Vader.

‘Yep, see you then’ Vader replied and then said ‘Can’t wait’.

‘Bastard’ Rocky growled.

‘Wanker’ Vader growled back.

‘What about me?’ Brutus sobbed from the dog area, he was now dry and looking ever so shiny but also ever so sorry for himself.

Deciding to let him out of his area, I had rather hoped he would go to his kennel. (yeah right!).

‘I so knew that would happen!’ Gordon grinned from the bedroom window.

‘Knew what?’ I asked Gordon, turning round just in time to see Brutus joyously rolling around in the soil while Rocky humped his head and kicked sand on him.

‘Go on my son!’ Vader shouted through the fence and I could swear to God I could hear Tess giggling.

After that episode I washed my car and both dogs kept away from the ‘python-hose’ and even Vader was quiet.

But for now, both dogs (and my car) are clean – how long for is anyones guess.

Have a lovely weekend.

Samantha Rose (C) Copyright December 2014

All photographs remain copyright to myself – please do not reproduce without my permission.