Lunchboxes – many of us have them, lots of people don’t but the word ‘lunchbox’ conjures up images of brightly colored plastic boxes filled with a sandwich, banana, yoghurt and a cereal bar – or perhaps a big piss off bar of chocolate and a sausage roll, either way lunchboxes involve food of some sort and in general, can often speak volumes about the person that eats the contents.
Here are my own thoughts on the politics of the lunchbox and what they say about their owner.
The sensible lunchbox
Usually of standard shape and depth, contains a salad and ham wrap of some sort which is always on wholemeal pitta bread or something similar. A piece of fruit such as an apple or orange, or if they are not too expensive in Coles, a banana, plus a cereal low sugar bar to round it off.
The sensible lunchbox is carried around by sensible people who always eat the recommended food groups, have their own regular toilet time and generally have excellent digestion. One is always tempted to offer them fish and chips but that would be akin to eating a kitten so best you don’t.
The carb lovers lunchbox
Don’t think’ one sandwich’, think four slices of bread filled with cheese or meat or something and it has to be crammed into the lunchbox and almost squashed to get the lid shut. There is no yoghurt with this one, it simply won’t fit – a chocolate bourbon biscuit on the top finishes this meal, all that is needed is there and the owner of it happily commits to ‘carbocide’ every lunchtime and doesn’t give a shit (literally) when they block the toilet up in their once a week ‘toilet trip’ because when it comes to carbs, they are backed up to the tonsils.
Meat lovers lunchbox
No effort required here, in fact technically no lunchbox either. Think two slices of bread packed with meat, not even cut down the middle, no yoghurt, no fruit, no nothing and it is all wrapped up in foil or glad wrap. This is usually owned by a man that loves his meat and enjoys every Sunday at the Bunnings sausage sizzle and thinks that the word ‘vegetarian’ is a swearword.
The dieters lunchbox
Consists of tomato, lettuce, cucumber, olives and a small piece of cheese – not really enough to keep a rabbit in calories but this person is always on a diet and the only reason that the diet doesn’t work is because they have a doughnut every lunchtime which is almost swallowed whole, actually make that three doughnuts and the evidence is usually found around their mouths in the form of sugar dust.
The pasta lunchbox
This lunchbox normally belongs to one of the fat office bitches and by that I mean one of the office bully brigade that was mentioned in a previous blog that bullies anyone younger, slimmer, and that has more moisture if you know what I mean.
The lunchbox is packed tightly with pasta, cheese and meat and technically enough to feed several people, this will in fact be consumed by 11.15am and in secret so that she can sneak out at lunchtime and buy a ham and salad panini so she can look healthy. She will bank on the fact that no-one has seen her scoff the pasta tub and can then say ‘I have only had a panini for lunch, how good am I?’ and then proceed to be horrible to other girls that have actually eaten normal portions and still manage to stay slim.
Be careful of this woman, stand still long enough and you too will become part of her lunchbox.
The pie munchers lunchbox
This is not really a lunchbox so to speak but more of a Mrs Mac’s pie, a carton of Masters chocolate milk and a Cherry Ripe bar that sits in the fridge until lunchtime. This person will eat this every single day without getting bored and the only variation is the flavor of the milk which alternates between mint choc milk and banana milk or occasionally plain chocolate milk. The pie is normally eaten with two sachets of tomato sauce to aid the digestion process. Never ever touch their pie unless you want your fingers chopped off with a blunt instrument.
This person never brings in food but may scab some of yours. They are too busy to make their own lunchbox and if they are feeling brave enough, will swipe one of your chips or anything they can lift easily off your plate. Most of the time they tend to go without and by the end of the day, will have exceptionally smelly breath due to not eating and their own body digesting itself.
Go in to your works/office fridge and take a photo of the lunchbox situation and see if you can identify just who owns what and if you are feeling really naughty, reorganize the fridge so that the pie muncher is faced with salad and the pasta eater is faced with the meat.
Get out there and create some food anarchy!
See you later….
Samantha Rose (C) Copyright 2013